Now I’m not like this, I’m really kind of shy/But I get this feeling whenever you walk by/I don’t wanna down you, I wanna make you high/If you you could see your way to me, come on and let me try…
-”Let Me Take You Home Tonight”, by Boston.
Well, today was a bit weird.
I cashed my 20 dollar birthday check from my aunt and uncle, and my car desperately needed gas, so today I did a tiny bit of shopping. Gas was down to $2.88 a gallon, which is amazing, but thirty bucks still only got me half a tank of gas [it's sad when gas is 2.88 a gallon and we say "OMG, That's so low!"] when gas was only little over a dollar a gallon in 2001. I digress.
I went to Wal-Mart to cash in some cans and bottles, and to look around for a birthday/Christmas present for Vanessa, and to see if there was anything I wanted to get myself with my birthday money. I ended up getting Vanessa a gift, getting myself some gold glitter eyeshadow stuff, and I believe that was it. I then went to Best Buy where I contemplated getting an mp3 player, but I didn’t have enough. And even then, I’d have had to pay 45 bucks for a 2 gig mp3 player, and another 20 for an AC charger, and I think that’s outrageous. I’ll put it on my Christmas list. No guarantees as to getting it, but it’s not really something I can afford with my own money right now. I ended up using my 20 dollars of birthday money getting the movie “21″. Then, I went to a second hand store in my town, to see if I could use up one of my 5 dollar gift certificates there, but I couldn’t. You have to spend five bucks at a time, they don’t give change, and I only had a dollar and a quarter’s worth of stuff. I bought three stemware glasses, a coffee mug for dad, and a record [a movie soundtrack to a movie I'd never heard of; it had a song I knew, and a song by Robert Plant on it] and I don’t have any qualms about paying a quarter for an album I only know one song on.
Anyway, I talked to Vanessa on the phone for a couple hours, but I pretty much avoided getting yelled at by my father. He’s paranoid I’ll go over our minutes, but I don’t think I will. And even if I do, it won’t be by that much, and I’ve already told him many times I would rightfully pay my portion, should I cause us to go over our minutes, so I’m not sure what his problem is. Anyway, I really miss being able to hang out with Vanessa, it really sucks living a couple hours apart, because it’s not like I can just up and ask her to hang out at the drop of a hat. It takes a lot of planning. And a fair bit of money.
Anyway, once again, I was dreading work. Friday [and Saturday] nights are pretty much when everybody and their dog goes to the bar, so I was worried about it being really busy, which, for a Friday night, it wasn’t all that horrible at first. The kid I mentioned in a previous entry was there, and he was, overall, a lot better behaved than last time. Except. He forgot to take his ADHD medications, or so he said. He honestly would not shut up. And, you know when I think someone is talking too much, it’s bad, because I never shut up either, but he honestly would not shut his mouth for two seconds.
And, he thought I was like 18; he couldn’t believe I’m actually 22. He made me feel really immature, and I’m bad enough with that on my own. I don’t need his help.
And, okay. I have a huge crush on one of the cooks. Tall, kinda skinny guy. Brown hair. Amazing eyes. But as I’ve said before, it seems like he flirts with every female that works there except for me [or my married boss, lol]. I had an extremely hard time trying to stop myself from stealing glances at him, I hope to god he didn’t notice… It’s just like.. .why is it always me? I’m the one who’s got dirty dishwater all down their front, I’m the one with the slightly messy hair, I’m the one who doesn’t get to dress nice and who doesn’t wear makeup to work, like the servers and stuff do. Which, they have to look decent, they’re going to be seen by the public. But it still just makes me wish I could wear nice clothes to work, wear some makeup, have my hair down… Even then, I’d feel like crap and not be able to talk to him (at least, not without feeling retarded afterwards), but at least it wouldn’t be quite as bad.
I just wish I could ask someone else if he was seeing someone and what sort of stuff he liked, but that’s so middle school; no guy is going to take me seriously if I can’t even work up the courage to talk to him. And it’ll never happen; I mean, my vocal cords mysteriously don’t work when I try to talk to him, and my brain takes a very inconvenient vacation. And the fact that all the servers are very pretty girls makes me feel even more crappy about myself; the pretty girls versus me. He’s not going to notice me if there are pretty girls wearing decent clothes, it’s rather like they’re neon signs, and I’m just a boring old handpainted sign. I mean, what’s he going to notice more?
And I haven’t been there as long as any of the other girls. Goddammit. I wish I could make myself not have a monster crush on him. I wish I could, as corny and stupid as this sounds it’s pretty much tearing me up, work was so much easier when I was just intimidated by him, versus now where I’m intimidated, and I have that kind of stupidity about me that only a huge crush brings about.
I wish I didn’t feel weird around him. That’s the problem with guys; I’m not myself around them. I’m not comfortable, I say things I wouldn’t normally say, act a way I wouldn’t normally act, and all because my brain has gone into crush mode and I really like them. I wish I could just go to work drunk, just once, because then I’d be able to say exactly what I wanted to and not be embarassed by it. I would be the next day, probably, but… I wouldn’t care. If I didn’t have to worry about driving home, if he was staying after to have a few beers at the bar, I could stay after as well, and just talk to him.
But as it is I feel like the people there, especially at the bar (both in front of and behind it) just stare at me, it’s like their eyes pierce right through me, they make me very uncomfortable; I feel like they’re looking at me as if I don’t belong there, as if I’m a weed they wish would prune itself or something. I don’t know. I’m going crazy.
Even though I’m telling myself this will probably not happen and not to get my hopes up, I can’t stop thinking about him. It’s a curse, and at the same time, I both love it and hate it. Love it because just thinking about him makes me feel amazing, but I hate it because my social inhibitions prevent me from talking to him in any way. I wish I had the money for counseling, but I can’t justify getting it, because I can talk to people about this shit for free, and I can’t get financial aid until I move out of the house; they’re not as lenient as the folks who controlled my $1000+ medical bill and got me completely relieved of payment. In fact, I believe we still owe the mental health center for when I used to go there a couple years ago.
Well, something good can come of this work day; I was there for approximately four and a half hours. Better than three. I’m actually kind of glad the kitchen stays open until 10 on Friday and Saturday nights. It might mean more work, but it also means more money, and more money is never a bad thing.
Shit. It’s almost Saturday.
I should probably try to get some sleep, although I think I’ll be awake for a while, considering the bus of my mind seems to be stuck at a particular stop and it is resisting every attempt to get it functioning again.
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