Nobody knows what’s gonna happen tomorrow…
-Duran Duran, “What Happens Tomorrow”
Happy new year, lords and ladies. 
While listening to the aforementioned song, I was struck with a small wave of thought as to New Years and some resolutions I want to put out there.
First off, I’m going to cut back on soda. I love soda but let’s face it, there are better (non alcoholic, lol) things I could be drinking.
Until earlier that was the only thing I really had thought of before hand. Now I’ve come up with another one.
If you know me at all, you know; how easily I can be offended, how sensitive I can be, how personally I take some things I shouldn’t, and how easily I can get upset and want to cry, all that crap… Well, this year I’m going to suck it the fuck up. I can’t go through life being as easily upset as I sometimes am right now, and over the dumbest things too. I’m going to quit being so damn sensitive. I’m not going to lie, it’s gonna suck at first, but it has to be done. I mean shit.
If I find guys attractive I should not want to punch every female that talks to them (this has happened with a few of the guys I’ve liked; any time they talk to another female I suddenly have this urge to punch said female in the face). Which is retarded. It’s not like, just because I like them, they can no longer pay attention to anyone else. Even if I was dating someone. It’s not like I would be the only female they were allowed to converse with. It’s being a damn female. I mean, I love being female but sometimes we worry about the dumbest shit.
Another thing. If someone doesn’t want to hang out with, talk to, or be around people, I am not going to get all moody and depressed and assume they never want to see or talk to me again or whatever dumb worst case scenario shit it is that I start thinking. They just want some alone time or are in a bad mood. We all have times like this, where we just want to be alone and don’t feel like talking to anyone. I’m going to stop taking it personally, which I shouldn’t in the first place. After all, I would think they were an idiot for assuming I hated them just because I wanted to be alone.
Another thing I have to do is send some of my shyness on a one way trip to some far away foreign country. It’s gotten to the point where it’s even annoying me, so I can’t imagine how much it could be annoying others. Another thing that needs to go is my mostly social anxiety related paranoia. It’s not good for me. If I want to talk to someone, I shouldn’t hold myself back. I can’t spend my whole life waiting for someone else to initiate conversations and all that, or else I’d spend the majority of my years being silent, merely wishing I could say something.
And self esteem. That’s another thing that could use some work. I mean really. Why must I doubt things when people have told me otherwise? Why do I constantly worry about how people think I’m so ugly when I’ve been told on more than one occasion, by more than one guy, no less, that I’m pretty, attractive, or hot (which was probably the most flattering), and I’ve been bought drinks by more than one guy, and I’m assuming guys aren’t going to buy me drinks if they think I’m ugly or annoying.
The self doubt even makes it to my singing; although many people have told me they love my voice, I still worry that they’re just telling me that to be nice; that they don’t want to tell me that I’m really awful.
The thing is, though, some of the people that have told me they liked my voice are blatantly honest. Same with some people who have told me I was attractive. Some of these people, if they don’t like something, they are going to let you KNOW. They aren’t the types to beat around the bush and try to be nice about it. They don’t worry about that sort of thing.
So I don’t know what my problem is.
Even now, as I say all this, getting it all done is not going to be like skipping through a flower garden. More like, trying to claw out of a huge, thorny rose bush. I just have to keep telling myself ‘I don’t know how long it’ll take, but I know it will happen’.
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