So far gone, I’m almost there

-Demolition Man, by Def Leppard.

Well, lords and ladies, it certainly  has been a while. In all actuality, after my previous fairly earth shattering entry, I was a bit apprehensive about writing again.

On that note, I know that Vanessa deleted this from her bookmarks so I’m basically saying it for my own  health, but I’m sorry. I’m not saying I was the only one who said inappropriate things, because we both did, but it didn’t need to get to that level. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss my best friend, but if it’s her choice not to talk to me ever again and she’s happier without me in her life, then I’d rather that’s what she kept doing. I don’t think  not talking at all bothers her as much as it bothers me, but what do I know, I haven’t talked to her since the beginning of January.

Work has been fairly normal. I only get three days a week, but I don’t have to work with the twit. Although, I kind of feel bad because I keep  hoping he’ll do something really bad so he’ll get fired so I can get more hours. What can I say. I never claimed to be nice,  non vindictive, or a good person.

As if it’s news, I need another job, but this time it’s not because I’m not looking, it’s because the shitty economy has severely limited the number of jobs available and the types of jobs people are looking for. Honestly, the last time I saw the classified ads, the employment section was barely a column long. And usually it gets at least a page to itself.

In entertainment news, I have two fairly new tv show obsessions. Heroes, and NCIS. Honestly. NCIS is so amazing my head almost explodes every time I watch it. I have a huge crush on Mark Harmon. He’s hot. It doesn’t matter how old he is. I also have a big crush on Sean Murray (he plays McGee). FREAKING HOT. Oh my god.

In other news, I haven’t been exercising as much as I want to, but I have been exercising more than I used to. Small victories are better than none at all, I suppose.

Back to work matters. Work on Thursday night was strange. For the first two hours, it was extremely busy.  I was starting to get worried I wouldn’t be able to keep up. After that, though, business twittered off. I decided to stay after work to have a couple drinks with Sarah (I think that’s her name; I’m not sure how it’s spelled though), Mitch, and this guy I didn’t know.

We actually managed to have an intelligent discussion about things like the environment. In rural, small town Iowa, it can be difficult to have an intelligent discussion about things like that, so it was quite refreshing.

On Friday, during the day, my brother had a couple friends over to watch a Cher concert dvd which actually surprised me. I didn’t think I liked many songs by Cher, but I found I kept going “Oh, I love that song”. I played MapleStory for the first time in a while, because once again, this computer decided to not work. The keyboard wasn’t working. I had to play musical chairs with which ports the keyboard, mouse, and wireless adapter (this computer gets internet wirelessly) were in, and magically, I found a combination which got everything working. My first attempt got me the keyboard working, but no internet. It was all very frustrating. (Unrelated note: I’m listening to Al Stewart right now, and goddam his voice is sexy).

ANYWAY.

After my brother’s friends left, I popped in my Def Leppard Rock of Ages greatest hits dvd, and because of that, I was nearly late to work. The roads really sucked. I missed the turnoff for work because the roads were so snowed and iced over I couldn’t see the turning lane until it was too late. So I had to keep going straight, trying to find a place to turn off. When I finally did, I practically slid off the road.

So I wasn’t in a great mood when I got to work.

When I got there, I’m not lying, there were three or four overflowingly full bus tubs. It was one of those days that I barely had time to unload one bus tub when an equally full new one was dropped off. At one time, I had both my bosses helping me, and we were still behind. Michael (he cooks on Fridays and Saturdays; normally he’s just a dishwasher though) helped me out a bit also, and for all the help I was grateful. If I hadn’t had the help, I might still be there. (lol).

Although, there were a few points in the night that were funny. I had a few laughs with one of my bosses, and Mitch decided to throw a snowball at me, which I politely picked up part of off the floor and threw back at him. I’d put an ice cube down the back of his shirt or something, but I kind of like having all of my limbs unbroken.

Anyhoo. Another funny bit was, he asked me how many times I’d listened to some New Kids on the Block song on my mp3 player (I don’t own any). He also once asked how many Ricky Martin albums I had (Don’t own any of these either), because he likes to poke fun at me musically (and otherwise, for that matter). We might agree on a few things musically, but he generally likes to bitch about what I listen to a lot. I don’t think it’s because he gives a shit, I think he just likes to mess with me. I would rather have friends that can give me shit sometimes, actually.  It’s more fun.

Anyhoo. Today has been pretty fun. I did a bit of shopping with my brother, as I got paid on Friday. (I gave my dad 100 bucks, for last month and this month’s student loan payment). I already had half a tank of gas, but I put like ten bucks worth in anyway. Anyhoo, my brother and I only ended up going to Target and Fashion Bug, but it was a successful day. I bought a tee shirt at Target (a peace sign made of branches, leaves, and the like. I was going to get another copy of my Led Zeppelin tee shirt (because the exact same shirt has been there for two years now), but of course, they didn’t have the same size that my shirt is. They had another Led Zeppelin tee shirt, but I didn’t like it as much.

Anyway, then we went to Fashion Bug. I got a short sleeved hoodie (something I’d been looking for for ages), a brownish blouse (shirt, I don’t know what you’d call it), a pair of sunglasses which I’d needed badly (as I’m always squinting really hard when I have to drive in the day light), and two bras (which I’d also needed really bad). Tomorrow, I’m going to put most of what I have left in the bank to begin building up for moving out.

That’s pretty much all I have to say for now. Well. I’ve said this before, but I’m planning a big blog entry or series of blog entries about music. Things I like and hate about it, and some related media matters. I don’t know exactly when any of you will get to read it, but I may begin the formal draft shortly.

Okay. If any of you have anything to say, feel free to leave me a comment. Toodles. ;D

I don’t wanna live here no more, I don’t wanna stay, Ain’t gonna spend the rest of my life, quietly fading away

-The Alan Parsons Project

Well kids, it’s just shy of half way through January and, while I’ve really tried to work on a couple of the things I mentioned on the first, this is proving to be more difficult than I originally foresaw.

As you may or may not know, on the second of January, I went to visit Vanessa, in Ames. The first night was great. We did a bit of shopping at Sally’s Beauty Supply, the liquor store, and Hy-Vee. We had a few drinks and spent the evening watching Def Leppard dvds, and then looking at Def Leppard pictures on my flash drive. The rest of it kind of all runs together, but I believe the second night, we were watching Michael Jackson videos. We’d both been drinking, I forget how much, and we ended up getting into this big argument about it.

Now, she thinks he did all the child related shit he was accused of, and I don’t. She also has it in her head that he did something to his skin. Some powder on the black market that you put in your bathtub to bleach your skin. Now, I could be wrong, but it sounds like a whole lot of bs to me. Coupled with the fact that, I don’t think Michael Jackson was the real issue, but more on that later. I just got a little annoyed that, because she’s taken medical transcription classes, she thinks she’s got supreme knowledge of the skin disease that Michael Jackson had. Now. I might not have a medical background but I have done a bit of research on it on my own. She did have a point that you don’t get it all over, I’m saying I think he uses makeup to even his skin tone out. But whatever. That ended in her saying something like, at least she passed college, she didn’t flunk out three times.

Not fun.

But the next day was a bit better. Did some shopping. Might have been the day we went to Hot Topic. Can’t remember. Anyhoo. I spent too much there. Got a bunch of random earrings/nose rings, whatever, red sparkly nail polish, and purple fender guitar pick earrings and that all cost me forty bucks. I think I’m leaving something out but I can’t for the life of me remember what. The random earrings alone were 20.

We also rented some dvds, including the ‘Yellow Submarine’ Beatles movie. So that night we got drunk and watched it. It was a good movie, I enjoyed it, but through the entire movie, I had this “WTF” look on my face. It was very random. It’d be a lot to fun to watch on shrooms or lsd or something. xD Or high. I imagine it would be, anyway.

So, that next day wasn’t a whole lot of fun. I volunteered to go to the store for them to get some milk, and a couple of blank tapes (Vanessa wanted to tape Yellow Submarine, and I wanted to tape this Def Leppard dvd she’s got). I ended up using the last 7 dollars I had to my name to do that.

When I got back, I yelled “Honey, I’m home” when I walked in the door, just to be funny, but just about the first thing out of Vanessa’s mouth was “Can you ask us before you eat certain things?” and then launched into a whole speech that ended up making me feel guilty for eating some summer sausage and a can of tuna.

Okay, sure. I should have asked you beforehand. I give you that, but honestly, you can get a can of tuna for 50 cents at the store. Besides, with all the food and shit I brought, I thought I did my part. I brought two steaks, a half bag of chips, a can of pringles, a jar of salsa, candy, at least two things of Ramen, a box of macaroni and cheese, a package of ground turkey, I used most of the Casey’s gift cards I’d gotten for Christmas on buying pizza, I bought two bottles of vodka and two six packs of Hornsby’s hard cider and probably a couple other random things I’m forgetting… so making me feel guilty about eating something that doesn’t even add up to three dollars is a little insane. Just the vodka and the cider alone were worth almost forty dollars.

It wasn’t just that, though. Two of the nights I was there, two thirds of the people in the house had a big argument. This has happened the last two times I’ve stayed over which is making me think it has something to do with me.

Another thing that kinda irked me was.. Okay. A lot of people are under a lot of stress right now. Vanessa’s having trouble finding a job, since the clothing store she worked at closed down. Bills to pay. Frustration. So I can understand being worried and stressed about that, but I felt like she was taking it out on other people (myself, and her boyfriend). Quite frankly I felt like she was having to put me down to build herself up. Sure it sucks you can’t find a job, but always having to have it worse than me or having to always find some way to have it better than me wears down on me after a while. It’s not my goddam fault. And I don’t have it as bad as you, trust me, I know that, but I don’t have to be as bad or worse off than you to tell you to stay positive (the only times I really stay positive are when everyone else is feeling down, weirdly). I’m trying to help. Constantly talking down to me isn’t going to make me want to help out, and using trivial issues as a vessel for more serious shit you want to say or do isn’t going to help.

I was a bit nervous about putting this here because of the people who read it, but it’s not like I’m giving out the secret recipe for like, Bush’s baked beans or something. It’s my damn blog. I’ll write what I want. I don’t hate her or anything, I’m just frustrated. After all, though, we don’ t have very many fights. We barely get into arguments at all. Sometimes I wish we had small fights more often so they wouldn’t balloon up and explode like that.

Over all I had fun, though.

Now that that’s over with. Work has been work. When I’ve gotten to come in, and work has actually been open, that is. Although I just about killed the twit I work with again on Friday. Staying at Vanessa’s meant sleeping on a not very comfortable couch which was all fine and dandy until either the day I got home or the day after, my back started hurting really bad. I’m thinking it’s just because I had to contort myself in all kinds of weird positions on the couch at Vanessa’s. But for about three days, I was hobbled over, absolutely no way to sit, lay down, or do anything felt comfortable, and at a couple of points I considered making a doctor’s appointment, because it was starting to get to the level of pain I was having when I hurt my back working at Heartland Inn two summers ago.

I told you that to tell you this. Friday was the first day I’d been able to walk in a completely upright position, and sit at the table or computer or anywhere without having to shift my weight every ten seconds. I wanted to leave work early because I didn’t want to hurt my back again on the first day in four days that it had been feeling somewhat better. Of course the twit wouldn’t have that. What the manager chick told him was that someone could leave. What he told me was that the manager chick told him HE could leave.

Which is all well and good. I need the money. I also can’t afford to hurt my back again and have to pay for the doctor visit and the muscle relaxant I’d be prescribed.

Whatever, though. Lastnight was better, even though he was still being a tool. I left early, but stayed at the bar to have a few.

Lastnight was one of those, why bother, I’m a bit depressed kind of nights over all. I mean, I had some great laughs with a couple of the cooks that work there, and I wish that kind of euphoric humor could last all night. It was basically another night spent wishing I could think of something intelligent to say. Another night spent wishing that I had the guts to go up and dance, and move the way music makes me want to move. Something in my brain is holding me back from doing a lot of the things I want to do. I want to get up and dance weirdly and not care who sees. I want to have intelligent conversations with people and not worry about what they’ll think of me. I want to not feel so put down by all these gorgeous women that come into the bar. On that note there were a LOT of them. All too drunk to care about how slutty their dancing looked and how much it made me suddenly want to play a very violent video game or kill a cute furry animal or something.

This brings me to the “women worry about the dumbest shit” bit of my previous blog. This is either an insane way to think, or all females are idiots because they think that way. Why do we get so jealous? Was it weird to wish that all the other females in the bar were really ugly so I’d feel better about how I looked? Did I even really need to ask? xP

Because that’s insane. Everyone doesn’t have to be ugly for me to feel good about myself. And I thought I did. I wore a new shirt and jewelry I liked, so I felt good in what I was wearing, and I was hoping that sort of confidence would rub off on people so to speak. It was more of that goddam sit around and wait for people to talk to you, so they don’t type of shit. It’s really frustrating, but it seems I’m unable to do anything about it, because that seems to be the only thing I bitch about in here any more.

Last night was fun, but I’m going to be concentrating on saving up to move out so I can perhaps afford to get some counseling on my social anxiety  (I don’t care if there’s no official diagnosis, I’m about 200% sure I have some form of it that includes social paranoia).

As I mentioned earlier this entry, I am trying to work on the issues I said I was going to, and I suppose I shouldn’t feel too discouraged. After all, it’s not like all my resolutions were magically going to happen right away. It’s going to be a continual effort through the year. So we’ll see if anything has changed by next year.

Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go have some french toast, play some MapleStory, and try to enjoy my Sunday and quit worrying about stupid shit (for now anyway).

Nobody knows what’s gonna happen tomorrow…

-Duran Duran, “What Happens Tomorrow”

Happy new year, lords and ladies.

While listening to the aforementioned song, I was struck with a small wave of thought as to New Years and some resolutions I want to put out there.

First off, I’m going to cut back on soda. I love soda but let’s face it, there are better (non alcoholic, lol) things I could be drinking.

Until earlier that was the only thing I really had thought of before hand. Now I’ve come up with another one.

If you know me at all, you know;  how easily I can be offended, how sensitive I can be, how personally I take some things I shouldn’t, and how easily I can get upset and want to cry, all that crap… Well, this year I’m going to suck it the fuck up. I can’t go through life being as easily upset as I sometimes am right now, and over the dumbest things too. I’m going to quit being so damn sensitive. I’m not going to lie, it’s gonna suck at first, but it has to be done. I mean shit.

If I find guys attractive I should not want to punch every female that talks to them (this has happened with a few of the guys I’ve liked; any time they talk to another female I suddenly have this urge to punch said female in the face). Which is retarded. It’s not like, just because I like them, they can no longer pay attention to anyone else. Even if I was dating someone. It’s not like I would be the only female they were allowed to converse with. It’s being a damn female. I mean, I love being female but sometimes we worry about the dumbest shit.

Another thing. If someone doesn’t want to hang out with, talk to, or be around people, I am not going to get all moody and depressed and assume they never want to see or talk to me again or whatever dumb worst case scenario shit it is that I start thinking. They just want some alone time or are in a bad mood. We all have times like this, where we just want to be alone and don’t feel like talking to anyone. I’m going to stop taking it personally, which I shouldn’t in the first place. After all, I would think they were an idiot for assuming I hated them just because I wanted to be alone.

Another thing I have to do is send some of my shyness on a one way trip to some far away foreign country. It’s gotten to the point where it’s even annoying me, so I can’t imagine how much it could be annoying others. Another thing that needs to go is my mostly social anxiety related paranoia. It’s not good for me. If I want to talk to someone, I shouldn’t hold myself back. I can’t spend my whole life waiting for someone else to initiate conversations and all that, or else I’d spend the majority of my years being silent, merely wishing I could say something.

And self esteem. That’s another thing that could use some work. I mean really. Why must I doubt things when people have told me otherwise? Why do I constantly worry about how people think I’m so ugly when I’ve been told on more than one occasion, by more than one guy, no less, that I’m pretty, attractive, or hot (which was probably the most flattering), and I’ve been bought drinks by more than one guy, and I’m assuming guys aren’t going to buy me drinks if they think I’m ugly or annoying.

The self doubt even makes it to my singing; although many people have told me they love my voice, I still worry that they’re just telling me that to be nice; that they don’t want to tell me that I’m really awful.

The thing is, though, some of the people that have told me they liked my voice are blatantly honest. Same with some people who have told me I was attractive. Some of these people, if they don’t like something, they are going to let you KNOW. They aren’t the types to beat around the bush and try to be nice about it. They don’t worry about that sort of thing.

So I don’t know what my problem is.

Even now, as I say all this, getting it all done is not going to be like skipping through a flower garden. More like, trying to claw out of a huge, thorny rose bush. I just have to keep telling myself ‘I don’t know how long it’ll take, but I know it will happen’.

Nothing ventured nothing gained, no more lingering doubt remained. Nothing sacred or profane, everything to gain….

-”Nothing Left to Lose”, by the Alan Parsons Project.

Well kids, 2008 is almost over. It’s been a really strange year. It kind of began with me spending New Years at my best friend Vanessa’s, getting completely tanked in three different bars, and at her house at the time. My camera got crushed under a couch, and I spent a subsequent five or so months not knowing that while the screen was busted, it still took pictures.

I got a summer job at PM Park. I continued to play in Municipal Band.

I visited my friend Vanessa again during the summer and we had fun taking walks, playing video games, taking pictures, having intelligent discussions and of course getting hammered (I’m guessing the last two didn’t occur at the same time).

My PM Park connections got me a job at the Colony Inn, which I am very lucky to have, by the way.

It’s just been a weird whirlwind of a year. To me, it seemed to pass a lot faster than previous years, for some reason. Probably because most of the people I know have had to go through a huge torrent of bullshit.

My dad got laid off from Winnebago after working there for five years. My mother had all sorts of school drama to deal with as did my brother, and I.. well. I struggled with some of the same things I always do, but at the same time, learned a lot.

PM Park taught me I can survive working 8+ hours a day which is going to be a handy skill in life. I also picked up on a few things such as, ‘You can’t always get what you want’, and ‘Work sucks but you have to do it, so you may as well deal with it’… Stuff along these lines. I also thought I learned that it could always be worse (which it could), but looking back, that’s kind of a downer way to look at life.

I don’t know how long that little sliver of optimism will last (probably not long, considering), but I take what I can get in that department.

My Christmas was enjoyable. I received my first mp3 player (a SansaClip 4G), 25 bucks from my Grandpa Pope, a 25 dollar gift card to my favorite coffee place, a calendar, a snowglobe, several cds including a 2 cd greatest hits set by the Doors and the Across the Universe soundtrack, and I got a 20 dollar gift card to Wal-Mart which I spent on headphones for my mp3 player, and speakers for my mp3 player).

All in all, I don’t have any room to complain and I have a whole hell of a lot to be thankful for.

Even though I do have a lot to be thankful for, I am really wishing that life would give some people I know a break.

My best friend is going through a hard time, what with quitting her waitressing job (barely any hours, co workers treating her like shit, etc), and her other job not working out (They had barely any business, plus a pipe burst at work), it’s like… of all the people in the world that deserve a truckload of shit, she got it? Fucking fuck people. She has loads of perserverance, doesn’t take any shit from anyone, she’s one of the nicest people I know, and she actually has a brain, for starters. She’s done her part, and if I could take on half the torrent of crap she’s going through to get some of it off her back, I would.

She’s the last person that deserved it, but that doesn’t change the fact that it happened. I know it’s hard to keep a positive outlook when things get like that, and believe me, I know I’m the last person most would suspect would be spewing optimism all over the place, but trust me, it will get better. It always does. You are a good person. Sure. Good people don’t always make it, but let’s face it, they have a hell of a better chance than people not-so-good people.

Just keep your chin up, and remember my computer’s on all day and my phone line’s  always open (except when I’m sleeping). I know you’ll get through it because it’s the type of person you are.

Anyhoo. I’m visiting my best friend this Friday, but I’m still waiting for the details on when she would prefer I get to Ames. We were planning on me getting there around 6pm, but with the work situation being what it is, that time may have changed. I’m all open to any time so long as I’m there before dark.

Another update you may or may not have been waiting for. If you’re wondering about my sanity, it’s no better off. I continue to be driven mad, and that time of the month hasn’t helped matters along any. I haven’t stayed after work nearly as much which is depressing for my social life but better for my wallet. Oh well. When one door closes, another opens, they always say (I have yet to figure out who ‘they’ are).

In short, this year has been filled with a number of ups and downs. The major downs I could have done without, but if we didn’t have bad times mixed in with the good, we’d have no way to differentiate between them.

I wish you all the best in 2009 (Unless I don’t like you; then may you burn in hell).

People are strange…

-The Doors.

Well. It seems like it’s been ages since I’ve written here but it’s only been a couple weeks. Weird. It seems it was November, and in the time it took me to sneeze, we poofed halfway through December. Where did the time go?

The strange thing about all that is, time seems to fly, except at work. Even when it’s not boring or hectic, it always seems like I’m at work for about twice as long as I actually am.

Anyway. You all know how the computer I’m normally on crapped out on me at the beginning of November, basically. You’ll be happy to know that it is now working, thus my presence here right now. It took long enough. When it was finally up and running and the parentals gave me the go ahead, I honestly could have cried I was so happy.

It wasn’t the internet that I was mad about being kept from, it was the fact that I couldn’t work on any of my pictures during that time. Two weeks is about fourteen days too long to keep me away from my photography.

Work has been work. Last Saturday, I was thisclose to strangling the 14 year old twit I work with. He was just being a complete tool. Arguing with me. Once again, his dishwashing skills were complete crap, and when I told him he needed to start doing his job, he’d say “I AM DOING MY JOB” with a tone of voice that has the uncanny ability to boil tempers in .2 seconds flat. And he was getting lazy. One of the cooks (I believe it was Mitch, but I can’t remember for sure) asked one of us to do something and right away the twit pops up ‘She can do it’. Not that I’m not willing to help out, which I of course am, but it wouldn’t have killed the twit to ask me first. Not to mention he has no right to tell me what to do. I am actually the one with the rights to boss him around but , in the twit’s very own words  ”I don’t have to listen to you”.

I think next time I tell him to do something, I’m going to ask Adam or Mitch to tell him, because the twit will listen to them.

I think this is partially my fault because when I first started working with the twit, I tried to be nice and all; I think the twit started seeing me as more of a pal to goof off with than a person at work who he had to listen to. I’ve been acting like more of the latter, thinking, you know, maybe he’ll get the message, but considering how long it’s taking him to realize there are some dishes that are going to be really hot and he should not just grab bare handed, him learning anything else could take a while. He’s not exactly the brighest. Put it this way. If his intelligence were a Christmas tree it would be a Charlie Brown one. Sparse. Lacking. You get the picture.

Last Tuesday, school was cancelled, so my mother and brother were home all day. I was looking forward to work, since I basically hadn’t gone anywhere since work on Saturday, and I knew I wouldn’t have to work with the twit. I got called and told not to come to work, there probably wouldn’t be enough business.

Thing is, I kinda get shit for hours anyway, so losing one day out of a grand total of four days a week that I work, eh.

On all these tedius work days I seem to be having, I keep thinking to myself, when can I leave, I’m never going to get out of here, but at the same time, I’m trying to tell myself “Yeah, you might not get out of here until two hours after the kitchen closes, but that’s two extra hours you’d get paid for”.

Anyway. Last night. Last night was interesting. My mom and brother were using mom’s car. Dad had to take my car to work because his truck wouldn’t start. So, this left me having to drive the van to work.

The evening didn’t start off all that well. I was on the phone with Vanessa, and I lost track of time. I didn’t get off the phone until like 5:40pm and I go into work at six. I had to rush around getting dressed and such.
It turned out, dad conveniently forgot to tell me that, to get the keys to the van to actually go into the ignition, you have to turn this little thing a certain way. I tried jamming every key on the keyring into the ignition, nothing was working. Meanwhile the minutes are ticking by, I’m paranoid I’ll be late to work.

I call dad (who is at work at this point) in  hysterics, going Why isn’t the car starting, I’ve tried every key on this ring and none of them work, I’m going to be late to work, etc, basically flipping out on him.

I finally get the key in the ignition and get on the road. I’m running late, so I took the highway instead of the residental streets I usually take to work.

So, the roads are kinda slick, and I’m not used to driving the van, and even though I was going the speed limit, the stupid prick behind me was tailgating me like it was going out of fucking style. Keep in mind that I’m already panicky about being late to work, add the icy roads, my paranoia of getting in an accident, and everything, I was in a GREAT mood when I got to work.

It soon got better though. Everyone in the kitchen laughed and joked around for a bit.

We were super busy because in addition to the regular bar and restaurant business, there was a party going on in the party room.

Business died down a little around 9, and since it was the twit’s turn to leave early, he went home. Not ten minutes later, I start getting endlessly bombarded with full bus tubs, huge pans, oven racks, huge knives. One of the knives in question was at least twelve inches long.

My hands were slippery from washing a bunch of greasy dishes. I was in hurry, trying to keep up with all the dishes and shit. I grabbed the knife in question and was wiping it off when my  hand slipped and I put a nice half inch long slash on the middle finger on my left hand.

Earlier today I took the liberty of taking a picture, because I can. I’m posting the link, because the picture is huge. http://i275.photobucket.com/albums/jj281/OpenTheDoor_Blue/My%20photos/DSCF7102.jpg

It was pretty hard to keep my composure after that, considering I don’t really like seeing blood, even if it’s not that much.

I don’t remember exactly when I got off work, but it couldn’t have happened fast enough.
So anyway, I stayed after work, because it was just one of those work days where you just need a damn drink afterwards.

I sat at the bar to bother my co workers, and once again Mitch was very entertaining. I had my sketch book out and was doodling with a colored Sharpie when out of nowhere Mitch says “Dear Santa, please give Mitchell all my presents”. Although I discovered a new dimension to his oddity. At one point he was trying to draw a picture on a napkin and kept messing up, so instead of throwing the napkin away, he ate it.. I’m not lying. I’d have taken a picture if I’d bothered to bring my camera. I just about died laughing.

We had a lot of nice discussions, including one about how I always say ‘It could always be worse’, but he pointed out that it could always be worse, but it could also always be better which quite frankly after the sort of day I’d had I needed that sort of encouragement.

Apparently another thing I need is to initiate conversations more in order to avoid reminding Mitch of his mother.

Tonight at work should be interesting, seeing as I work with the twit again, but on the up side it’s my turn to leave early, and since I’m guessing there won’t be a party tonight, we won’t be as busy. Although, there is another party that’s supposed to be there, I’m not sure when. If it’s tonight I’m gonna be angry. Still. I don’t give a shit, I’m leaving early. If I get out before the kitchen closes I might order some food. A sandwich or something, perhaps. If I can get them to make me half an order of small onion rings I might get that, because honest to god the small order is gigantic. When I ordered that once I shared with like five of my co workers because there was no way I was going to be able to finish it all.

Anyway I’m really going to go now. You won’t see me until Sunday at the earliest.

When I was younger so much younger than today/I never needed anybody’s help in any way/but now these days are gone, I’m not so self assured…

-The Beatles.

Well, hello again ladies and germs.

It hasn’t been all that long since I’ve written last but somehow it feels like an eternity. To a certain point, every day seems like it’s about three years long. This week has been strange, due to having Thanksgiving off, and my mother and brother having Thursday and Friday off school.

Let me begin by describing Thanksgiving. We planned to go to my aunt and uncles’ house which is an hour and a half away. I was awake at six am, had to shower, get my stuff together, eat breakfast, all that jazz. Surprisingly enough, we left by our deadline, 7:30am. We rarely, if ever, get out at the time we designate, at least not without wanting to kill each other before we leave. This time it all went off without a hitch, which was a nice start to the day.

The car ride was uneventful, what with me listening to a mix cd that had everything from ‘Fool in the Rain’ by Led Zeppelin to ‘I love a rainy night’ by Eddie Rabbit, taking pictures of the gorgeous sunrise, and daydreaming.

My uncle is a teacher at the high school in that town, and they have a foreign exchange student from Thailand whose name I will only butcher if I try to spell it. The morning was spent watching part of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix and playing with my aunt’s dog, Barkley. He’s a cute freaking dog.

The meal was amazing, what with mother, my brother myself, and this foreign exchange student chatting it up. We got to explain Thanksgiving and Christmas to him, which was kinda cool. After that, we finished the movie and played with the dog more, while the ‘adults’ were upstairs playing board games (I almost spelled that ‘bored’ games, roflcopter). We stayed for dinner, which was chips, turkey sandwiches, that sort of thing. Anyhoo. The car ride home and the rest of that evening were uneventful and will as such be left out of the blog.

Now, yesterday felt like Saturday since I usually have to work on Thursdays, but work was closed on Thanksgiving.

Yesterday at work was less than interesting. The little twit I work was, as usual, extremely annoying, and even though it was my turn to leave early, I told him to GTFO around 8pm when JD said one of us could leave. Hey, I need the money. I might leave early tonight, or I might just tell the twit to leave early again, depends on how I feel. But honestly. The twit was extremely, extremely annoying. Trampling on my nerves as usual. The whole time it was, ‘Don’t mess around, don’t waste the plastic wrap, wash this better, stop that, put that down, quit eating your damn burger and put some dishes away…” I mean good god people.

I honestly don’t care who leaves early tonight. Either way, I get rid of the twit a whole two hours before the kitchen closes which is fine by me. Although, Adam is working tonight and if I could temporarily go deaf for any like three hours a day it’d be when I work with him.

Anyway. I stayed after work and bothered Mitch, although I figure, if he were that bothered he’d have told me to go away. It was a nice bit of conversation even if there wasn’t a whole lot said. I was about to say I’m not all that talkative but I actually am, just not in situations where I don’t really know what to say or how to start a conversation.  I honestly don’t think I’d talk to Mitch at all if it weren’t for music. Or my fishnet arm covers. Lol.

Luckily I saved the jukebox from the country they were playing before I got off work. Then it was like, revival of the 80s, and I wasn’t even playing anything. These people that were in, I swear they played the entire Hall & Oates catalogue, which doesn’t bother me since I like Hall & Oates. I did hear ‘Private Eyes’ and ‘Rich Girl’ twice, though. I played ‘Take On Me’ by A-ha and was humored by all these drunk people trying to hit the high note. I’m pretty sure I was the closest, although at that point I was pretty drunk so perhaps not. Thank god for the bar running out of peach schnapps on Wednesday though, or I’d have never discovered my new favorite drink, a fuzzy navel but instead of peach schnapps, use strawberry schanpps. Great stuff, guys, I promise.

Last work related thing.

I do have a bone to pick with people I work with about what they say and do around myself and other co workers I may be talking to at the time. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. Pick a different damn topic if you talk to or even about me around others. I push people away enough without getting help from you lot so just stuff it. Good god people. I don’t wish to be unreasonable and drive my friends away, thank you. So just stop it.

But yeah. We’re supposed to be putting up Christmas decorations today, but with my mother and bro gone to Christmas shop for me, and dad having worked at the radio station this morning, who knows if it’ll happen. I wanted to pop into the second hand store today but I’m going to wait until Monday. I have other shit in town I could get done anyway.

It honestly seems so much like Sunday right now, it’s odd to think I have to work tonight.

In other news, I’ve got a few measures to this great song I’ve begun to write (on piano). There is a problem, though, in that I already can’t play what I’ve written and the left hand is going nowhere. And I still have this other bit of song that I can’t do anything with because 1, the music’s on the computer that isn’t working, and 2, it’s supposed to be on electric guitar and I can’t really go anywhere else with it because all I have is an acoustic guitar, and I can’t really play electric anyway. Frustration. If you’d like to help me out in some way you’re more than welcome, although if you steal my songs you will have nasty things done to you involving butt screwing and pitchforks.

 

Toodles. I have places to go and people to see. I lied. I have no life. I’m just getting bored.

You’re as cold as ice…

-Foreigner.

What happened to autumn? Honestly. What the fuck happened to autumn? After all, I took the following picture on November 3rd, and it was still nice enough for me to walk to the library in a tee shirt, jeans, and wearing flip flops.   

Now, it’s literally 12 degrees out, and the sunshine is extremely deceiving. I mean, right now, looking out the window, it looks like it’d be at least 40 or 50 degrees. There’s still green grass and everything. It’s a little annoying, but then again it IS November 21st, so I shouldn’t complain about how it’s not supposed to be cold yet, but I probably will.
It was so strange, though. One day it was like 70 degrees out, and the next, BAM! 30. And I don’t think it got past 30 after that.

Anyway, as if I need to tell you by now, my life has not been all that interesting. Well, not really. I was asked to work on my room a bit, and seeing as I’ve spent about 10 cumulative hours in there and it’s still not immaculate, it needed the work. I found a lot of shit that I’d forgotten I even had, threw a lot of stuff out, and even amassed a box full of stuff that needs to go to the second hand store (I’m not looking forward to going outside to do that). It was weird and nostalgic. I mean, I graduated in 2005 and I still had graduation announcements from people in my grade. It kinda made me remember some things I didn’t want to remember. I found a notebook that I’ve had since my going away party from the last house we lived in when we lived in Nashua, and I was in middle school then.

The nostalgic trip was good and bad I suppose. It made me think. I’ve come a long way from where I used to be, but I’m still not all there yet, and sometimes I feel I’ve made little progress at all.

Work has been less than interesting. Tuesday of this week, while it was busier than last week, was still pretty boring. And I didn’t even stay after work, nobody interesting was there. Which meant I was home at like 9:30, and up till midnight messing around on the computer. Wednesday, nothing to report. cleaned room, got on computer, did the dishes. Blah. Yesterday was not all that interesting either. Spent more time in my room. The work day, meh. There was of course more business than my previous work day, but not too much. I need to find someone to work for me on New Years Eve, though, as I’m going to be in Ames with my best friend. So Vanessa and I pretty much need to figure out exactly the days that I’ll be gone so work can find the appropriate replacements. Which I was going to ask about that fairly soon anyway.

Worst comes to worst? I have to work on New Years Eve which means I wouldn’t be able to leave to see her until New Years Day. I mean. I’d still have people to hang out and do the countdown with, but I would rather try to have a repeat of last year’s New Years, with Vanessa, her boyfriend, and co, drunkenly counting down in some Irish pub looking place in Ames. Or whatever bar it turns out to be.

But I’m not going to prepare for not being in Ames, not until I am given a reason to. Besides. A month and a week is more than enough time to find someone to work for me.

Anyway. Back to my Thursday at work. After work, I was kind of depressed and bored so I was going to go home. Of course, I’m halfway home before I realize, hey, I kinda wanted to stay after and have a drink or two. So I put some gas in my car, and then went back. Despite the lack of interesting people (aside from JD), and the lack of actual music instead of the country swill these retards were playing, it was decent. I had a couple fuzzy navels and a smirnoff. I might have stayed longer, but the country {lack of actual} music was getting on my nerves.

And that brings us up to now, kiddos. I’m not sure today will be any more interesting than yesterday. Might do a little bit more work in my room. I’ll do the dishes for sure, and I’ll probably make myself go to the second hand store to get that box of crap out of my room. Plus, as a bonus I’ll go in the actual store part of the second hand store to look for records and stemware. Although I’d better have a couple bucks on me for that. I still have a couple of five dollar gift cards, but to use those I have to buy five bucks worth of shit at a time, and I rarely find that much at once.

Before I end the entry, I would like to say: COMMENT! If you read it would be nice if you commented! If you’ve got something intelligent to say, that is. OH, SORRY. That might exclude a {more than} few of you. ;P

Hey! Wait! I’ve got a new complaint, forever in debt to your priceless advice

-”Heart Shaped Box”, Nirvana.

It’s been a while, eh? That is not entirely my fault. The computer I prefer to be on is still not working, and as it is the parental units continue to be Nazis with the remaining working computer, making me feel about 12 instead of 22. I can’t blame them for that, though. If I knew how to shut my mouth I might not have had to rush to the library to squeeze in as much time on the internet as possible before they close at 8.

As if this is a surprise to anyone by now, but the time between now and my last entry hasn’t been all that interesting. In fact, if it weren’t for work I’d have probably shot myself by now, or something. Not only working, but staying after work. I enjoy the conversations I have with my co workers. I also really like having the radio on when I’m working, and I enjoy singing along to it but I’ve probably really annoyed the people I work with.

Although, I haven’t been told “Who sings this? Then keep it that way” yet so I guess I’m okay.

Last night was the single most boring work day of my life. I was told that the entire time I was there, only two new people showed up the whole time. I had a full bus tub waiting for me when I got to work, I can’t  remember being brought back another full one the whole night. 

There were points where there was literally nothing for me to do. I didn’t want to look lazy but there are only so many things I can do. I practically text messaged my brother and Vanessa more than I actually worked. Well. And sang to the radio.

Usually there are more people that pass through the kitchen, therefore more people to talk to, but seeing as neither Mitch or myself are all that talkative during work… let’s just say it wasn’t a fun work day for anyone.

For that reason, I decided I’d stay for a little bit after work to have a few drinks. Myself, Mitch, and this regular I don’t know had a nice little discussion about politics and religion, two things I normally try to avoid discussing (let alone in a bar), but it was actually an intelligent conversation. Stuff about, 90 percent of voters aren’t qualified to vote, what did abortion and gay marriage have to do with how a country was run… things like, some comedian said each person should be able to kill one person without getting in trouble… etc.

After a while Mitch went off to eat and listen to music and it got really boring, so I was forced to dig out my sketchbook to keep myself entertained. I thought about going over and bothering him but I figured if he wanted to be around people he’d have sat at the bar. No big deal.

But I was feverishly doodling with colored sharpies, and trying to come up with interesting things to talk with JD about, which I’m pretty sure I failed at. I couldn’t get all that knackered since I had to drive home or else the conversation would have been much better. xD

Anyhoo.

If you’re wondering how my day today was, part of it was all right and part of it sucked ass.
I didn’t sleep in all that late, I’d gotten home at about 1am, and since I hadn’t gotten super wasted I didn’t get a hangover or anything. My dad and I started watching the second season of Heroes. I think we only watched like three episodes, and if I had home computer access and my father’s permission (as he technically owns the Heroes dvds) I’d be hunched in front of the computer screen watching more. Very intriguing. Although I was startled because I almost, almost, for the tiniest minute second, I almost felt bad for Sylar but I got over it, seeing as he’s an insufferable GIT. I felt really bad for Hiro though. Considering the whole, loving someone who doesn’t love you thing.  Plus he’s adorable.

I’m not racist or anything but he’s kind of the first Asian guy I’ve ever thought was really, really cute. Let’s just say that if I lived in the Heroes universe I’d be totally going after Hiro. Sure. Peter’s kind of a babe but I’d totally go for Hiro instead.

< /incessantly annoying, girly babble>

Sorry. I usually try to limit how much of that I let out but let’s face it, right now I don’t really give a shit.

I apologize. I’ve lost my mind and I would like it back please. Help if you can! Comment! It would be awesome.

I wish I could think of something more intelligent to say but for now that’s all my mind’s willing to give me.

Until later.

I watch the world go round and round, and see mine turning upside down

-”Throwing it all away” by Genesis.

Well kiddos, if you’re wondering if any of my sanity has returned to me since my last entry, don’t worry, because it hasn’t. If anything I’m losing more of it, which is pretty funny since I didn’t think I had any left to lose.

Seeing as my parents have asked that I stay off our only working computer, I am thusly confined to the ones at the library. Which made loading the crapton of pictures off my camera  a lot of fun. They wouldn’t even all fit on one flash drive. And it’s not like I can edit them, because for one, I’m in a public place with a gigantic computer screen and I’d rather not have old stupid people looking over my shoulder (gee, could you tell what was happening when I wrote that) , and two, I don’t have the program I need to edit pictures. Well. I do, it’s on the smaller flash drive, but I probably shouldn’t mess with putting strange programs on public computers anyway.

So, as it is, as soon as I’ve checked email, myspace, and facebook, I’m rather left with nothing to do, yet not wanting to return home.

I mean, it’s not as if I’ve been going insane enough, but now one of my favorite creative outlets is gone. I do still have my sketchbook at home, though. I just finished one drawing… I might have to force myself to do a few more so I’ll have something to do at home, and if I stay after work to have a drink or two, I want something to keep myself occupied should my co workers give off the “stay the fuck away from me if you value your life” vibe that I was getting at work on Tuesday. Fun fun fun I tell you.

I was a bit apprehensive about going to work anyway, for reasons I’m not even sure of myself, but once I got there the mood did not improve. It was the singular most boring, slow work day I’ve ever worked at the Colony, or PM Park, put together. And my PM Park days were eight hours long.

We all have our moods. Sometimes they’re good. Sometimes they’re bad. Let’s just say the other person in the kitchen was in an extremely bad mood. Well. It might not have been extremely, horribly, terribly bad, but he wasn’t in a people mood. Which, I can’t fault him for that, I get that way a lot too.

And I don’t know if it was just me, but the bad mood was so strong I could literally feel it like heat in the air, and not because it’s the kitchen and I was running back and forth the whole time. It was a different sort of heat. I don’t know. 

For whatever reason, this made me want to act happy and peppy to see if I couldn’t cheer people up. Well. It didn’t work. As far as I knew, anyway. I mean, the whole time I was in the kitchen, I just… I don’t know if anyone else has experienced this, but I’ve gotten this thing a few times where I feel like thoughts are so loud in my head that other people could hear them… I’m not sure if it was my imagination or not, but I just kept getting this unmistakable ’stay the fuck away from me, I’m not in the mood’ thing like, over and over.

Like I said. It could very all well be in my head, but… Let’s just say work wasn’t fun.

I was going to stay after… I spotted this one server lady I get a long with, she was sitting at the bar watching tv, I asked “What’s going on” like a ‘what’s up’ type of thing, and nobody looked up or did anything. They didn’t notice meuntil I started walking to the door and said “And, nobody’s paying attention to me, thanks”.

I didn’t mean to sound mean or anything, I think it was just the fact that the work day was slow as hell, and nobody was in a great mood. And lately there’s been a perpetual knot in my stomach anyway that seems to be clouding a bit of the portion of my brain that usually controls how I act around people.

I’ve just been going all around haywire, I don’t know what to think, or pretty much what to do. Sometimes I feel like a zombie, like my body’s going through all the motions but my mind is someplace else. Where, I haven’t figured out, as far as I know anyway. The answer’s probably someplace in my brain, but who knows how long unti I find out.

Anyway. It’s weird, but I find myself saying, I don’t get to work until so and so, because this is the first job that I haven’t completely hated with all my being at one point. When I first started I wasn’t such a big fan, but I honestly love this job, next to PM Park it’s the best I’ve had. And dammit, I think I like it better than Pm Park even though I don’t get as many hours here. I’d have asked my boss for more if I saw her at all, I don’t see her any except on Fridays and Saturdays if I’m lucky….

In short, I’m not entirely okay and my brain seems to be going through a mid-midlife crisis. It’s frustrating because I know it will end, I just don’t know when. At least I’m going to keep telling myself that.

Turn down these voices inside my head…

-George Michael, Bonnie Raitt, whichever version of “I can’t make you love me” that you prefer. Blame my drunkeness for my sporadic music urges lately. Likewise I apologize for the sporadic nature of this blog, my brain cells haven’t quite regrouped from the alcohol related barrage they’ve been under for the past two nights.

Yesterday was a strange day. I was drunk until noon, and remained goofy the entire day. I don’t know exactly how much I had to drink, but it must have been a whole hell of a lot. Work was interesting. I got to work and was greated as the alcoholic. xD Which knowing how much some of my coworkers drink that’s not even right. Anyhoo. Mitch informed me that was the drunkest person on earth, more drunk than everyone else in the bar put together. I apparently fell off a barstool; after I was told that I was blushing for a half hour straight. I found out a couple of embarassing things I did/said, but not until later.

So anyway. It was around 8, 8:30pm that JD told us that one of the dishwashers could leave and since I’m an ass I made the 14 year old I work with stay. With the exception of playing on their little video game machine for a bit I was pretty much talking to Mitch the entire time. He’s a great drinking buddy. When I first sat down, I asked right out “Did I say anything stupid last night?” and he just went “Well, you didn’t say anything smart.” Now if you know me, I am kind of a physical person, what with playful swatting, pushing and what not but let’s just say I’m glad I don’t remember half of what I did at the bar on Friday night.

 

I did make an agreement to stop talking about a certain crush to co workers, cause of not wanting drama at work. I was told I was liked and was cool, we came to a nice agreement. I really wish more people were this outright and honest. I just… yeah. You probably know. I don’t want to go on about it cause of the request to cease and desist but I’m losing my mind. I will add that he told me he used to be that guy at the bar that nobody wanted to sit by, but I can’t see how that’s possible, he’s a very entertaining drunk, it’s the fact that I find him so endearing that makes me mad. I also remember him saying something like, I’ve been young and stupid, and been older and stupid…you’re 22, how many ten year olds come up to you with crushes on you, etc.

I’m sorry but I don’t give a damn about age, I really don’t.

Today has been mental torture. Cycling between embarassment, hilarity at remembering drunken antics and things said (one of which, apparently I’m the biggest stoner without actually being a stoner that Mitch knows), being depressed… I like having a few drinks but I don’t think I’ll be getting that drunk two nights in a row. I’m going to like finally feeling completely and totally sober tomorrow. I can’t believe I’m saying this but I love my job. I’m almost depressed that I don’t work until Tuesday night.

One thing that’s going to be nice is, for some reason I feel like a weight has been lifted and I’ll be able to talk to people more and just be in an all around better mood. Might be because I don’t feel like I’m hiding a humongous secret anymore. Well. I will try to hide it but I think it’s a little late for that.

I’m just a big mix of confusion right now. I don’t know what to feel.

It hasn’t helped that today, I’ve cycled between, my stomach freaking hurts to, I’m freaking HUNGRY. I’m pretty much over the alcohol now but I still get these bursts of feeling a bit buzzed. With the amount of alcohol I’ve consumed over the past two days that’s not surprising, but I can’t freaking wait to feel normal some time tomorrow. Vodka seems to linger with me. Maybe I should stick to Smirnoff Ice coolers or something.

 

Moving on. I’m on the older computer because the other computer is fucking up. I push the button to start, it goes to this black screen that says windows didn’t start up properly, choose from options like “start with the last known settings that worked”, start normally, etc etc etc. Except, it does the same thing no matter what you pick. It goes to a blue screen of death that says to keep the stuff on the computer safe it shut down.

I recently deleted a bunch of my games, put almost 4 gigs of my art onto my new flash drive, all that. The only thing I did differently was start up the last.fm plugin. I figured, last.fm always froze before because there was too much shit on the computer. I had closed out of it. The computer was a bit slow, I figured that was because it’d been on all day, so I shut it down, and it started the whole not working thing.

Thing is, I deleted that shit like three days ago and the computer didn’t start to fuck up until tonight. It’s torking me off. I mean, I’m glad I have all my photography except the newest stuff on my 4G flash drive but.. I don’t know. I’m just mad but I’m going to remain hopeful that there is a solution to this problem. I don’t see how there can be one but.. just, I’m going to be royally pissed if I lose all my shit on there. I have DAMN good new pictures that I was stupid enough to not put on my flash drive yet. I haven’t even gotten through editing them all yet.

ARGHHH

I’m going to quit rambling now. Honestly I like to drink, but I don’t want any more of this, don’t feel normal for three days type of shit. I’m starting to almost wish I’d gotten sick or something so some of it would have been out of my system or something.  Oh well.

So back to my sporadic musical urges today.

It began with Adam and the Ants (Stand and Deliver, and Strip), morphed into the Black Crowes(Hard to Handle, Remedy, Jealous Again), hopped over to Phil Collins (Can’t Stop Loving You, Do You Remember). Throw in a version of “I can’t make you love me” by George Michael, mix that with ’Rikki don’t lose that number’ by Steely Dan, throw in ’Wrapped around your finger’ by The Police, ”Autumn” by the Edgar Winter Group,   ’Some Kind of Wonderful’ by Grand Funk Railroad, and ‘Magic Carpet Ride’ by Steppenwolf, and you’ve got my music of today.

I garnished that with a generous portion of “Fool in the Rain” by Led Zeppelin and “Time of the Season” by the Zombies. With a sprinkle of “The Boxer” by Simon and Garfunkel.

It’s been a weird fucking day of stoner music. Daylight savings is fucking with my brain, I’m probably going to get off the computer and go crash in bed or something. Considering I was wide awake (and drunk) at 6am this morning. xP

Toodles. I probably won’t be back until Tuesday after work.