Of eating popcorn and listening to Howard Jones at 1:12 in the am.

That pretty much says it right there.

(Warning: This entry is really uber long).

Here I am, at 1:12 in the morning, listening to Howard Jones on YouTube.com.

And, I’m on the internet, no less.

Life is good, but odd, no?

But then again, if you knew me at all, you’d know you can never expect me to act or say anything even remotely normal.

So, today was weird. That’s the only word for it I can think of.

I woke up at like, 7:45am, even though I didn’t even go to bed until after 3am. But, whatever. My day was pretty much sporadic stretches of time on the computer and in my room.

I called Jacob at like 3pm, while I was cleaning my room.

Great fun I tell you.

He told me he was in Clear Lake for something.

He asked if he could call from a ground line later. I gave him the go ahead.

Talked about him possibly coming to visit me. He said he’d give me a status report when he got home (to Manly).

I CAN’T GO FOR THAT, NOOO, NO CAN DO.

Some dumb fuck he’s friends with didn’t give him gas money. He’d probably have enough get up here, but I don’t know if he’d have enough to get back home. Which sucks royally.

I was sorta sad. I stayed up till midnight watching odd shit on Adult Swim (Cartoon Network) waiting for him to call, too excited to sleep. So I was a bit dissapointed.

But, he said he’d try and make it here tomorrow. I asked a friend if we could journey to an ATM tomorrow, and she’d give me like, maybe 10 bucks for gas, so I could give that to Jacob so he could actually afford to see me.

It’s insane. I’ve been ‘dating’ this guy for little over a month, and I haven’t seen him since July 14th, 2005.

I will tell you this story so it all makes sense. 

Okay. Got your popcorn, soda, a comfy chair, and someone to cuddle with?

Okay then, I’ll start the story.

It begins way back when I was in High School. I was hanging out with one of my best friends ever, Darcy. We had just gone to visit the new Best Buy in the city like 15 minutes away from us. We were driving back home, and she was talking about this guy she knew. He was younger than us (I think we were 17-18), and he was looking for a lasting relationship. I didn’t know Jacob at this point, but I thought he was odd, because how many guys do you know who are, at 16 years old, ready to be in a lasting relationship?

So, I thought he was insane, and I laughed at the thought of meeting him (as who would be interested in me, once they met me).

As I recall, he worked at a combined KFC/Taco Bell at the time. So, one day after school, Darcy took me to meet him. It was pretty much the three of us in the parking lot on Jacob’s break, just kind of.. .standing there.

I didn’t think much of it, at the time. I thought he was alright looking, but I didn’t really know him, so I wasn’t sure what to think.

I was surprised when, later, Darcy told me that Jacob had said something about ‘her friend’ being ‘kinda hot’. I was like, yeah, right. Whatever.

It didn’t exactly touch me, but I was… feeling weird. It wasn’t admiration, respect, being pleased. I don’t know what it was. I was a bit shocked to tell you the truth.

So anyway. Due to scheduling and otherwise conflicts, we didn’t get to hang out for a long time. We talked on the phone a lot, and in doing that, we got to know each other better. I didn’t really love him… I sorta ‘liked’ him, but that was about it. The idea of love frightened me, but then again, I was only like 17. I think.

Then, one time, finally, we got to hang out. It was in our City Park at night, and all we did was sit on my dad’s old car (a 85 Lincoln Town Car) and talk.

But it was awesome.

We talked on the phone more after that.

I only got to see him one other time, for 45 minutes that time.

And I haven’t seen him since. He got involved with and wrapped up in a lot of stupid things that he shouldn’t have, and told me he was afraid to contact me again, so that was part of the reason why, for a year, he dropped off the face of my world.

During that year, I got angry. He wouldn’t answer phone calls. I had no idea what happened. Was it his cell phone? He could easily have not paid the bill, accidentally deleted my number, lost the phone, gotten a new one, etc. I came up with a million reasons to try and explain why he wouldn’t contact me.

All these ideas boucning around in my head was kind of destructive. Furthermore, my mind gravitated to the worst scenario; I figured he’d found someone skinnier, prettier, smarter, and closer to where he lived to date. I grew quite bitter towards the very idea of him.

After too long, I all but forgot about him. I’d think about him every now and then, but then I’d think of how he supposedly had someone better than me, and didn’t have the balls to tell me.

Then, little over a month ago, I had a mystery text message on my cell phone.

It was from Jacob.

After that, we got to talking, and I decided to give him a second chance only because he’d admitted he’d been stupid and fucked up.

Through talking, I started sorta liking him again, but I’m not sure.

Love is not a certain thing. I don’t know how people can be sure that they really love someone. Because the whole thing has me confused.

What is love anyway?
I remember the first time he told me he loved me. I had just gotten a speeding ticket, and I was on my way home. There was a train on these train tracks, and I was just sitting in my car, staring at the train cars going by.

And I’ve said I loved him back. And I’m still not sure. I mean, would I say it if I didn’t mean it?

I don’t know!

Someone explain please!

I know it’s unexplainable, but it doesn’t make me wish any less that there was an instruction booklet that came with ‘Love’.

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