Feeling uneasy-nothing a cup of coffee and a good cd couldn’t fix. I wish.

I’ve got this weird, uneasy feeling, like I know something’s not right, and I have no power to fix it. I feel helpless, like a leaf tossed about by the autumn winds now circulating around the NIACC campus.

To put it frankly, it’s really starting to get on my freaking nerves.

This banter may not make much sense to you, seeing as this is a conflict that I’ve kept mainly to my MySpace blog, but I can’t stop thinking about it. That means that, unfortunately, it will be making a stop here.

I heard that Jacob may be lying to me.

But, I don’t know.

All I have is Jacob’s word, and this other guy’s word, and I’m not sure who to believe.

I want to believe Jacob.

I finally realize I love him, and it’s probably too late.

He might be sleeping with this lady who is trying to get her kids back. Last time I talked to Jacob on the phone, he said she was a friend. For all I know, she may be more than just a friend.

Still, I won’t jump to any conclusions about it yet, because I want to have my facts straight before I go ripping people’s heads off about it.

To put it frankly, I’m angry. Angry, even though I’m not sure I have the right to be. Even if Jacob has been completely truthful to me up until this point, I would still be quite pissed off. That would be largely due to the fact that I haven’t talked to him since one of my friends went AWOL last Saturday. It’s been a week and two days. It seems like an eternity.

At this point, I want some answers. I don’t want to be pushy about it, but even I can only handle so much uncertainty. Sure, I can’t know everything, but I think this, I deserve to know.

And I had such high hopes for Jacob.

I hate sounding so pessimistic, but I knew as soon as I let myself think those kinds of things that something would go wrong. Before, I was so afraid of being wrong, I didn’t want to say anything about what I was thinking for the future, what I liked best in things like places to live and people… So, if Jacob is seeing someone else, I’m thinking they are a little less of a free spirit, with a degree of certainty in their life that I apparently don’t yet posess.

You know, sometimes I hate how uncertain about life I am. I don’t know exactly what I want to do, where I want to live, who I want to be with, and such things, and maybe that bothered him.

Maybe. There’s that damn word again. I grow so tired of saying maybe; I just want to talk to Jacob and know for sure.

If he doesn’t want me, fine. If he’s not sure how to break it off with me, fine. I can understand that. They’re very daunting, these matters of love. I hope he’s not doing this, but it may be that he’s screwed up and is afraid of what I’ll think, so he just does nothing.

I don’t know exactly how I can say this, but despite all these things that may be, there is nothing he can tell me that will make he hate him. Seeing someone else. Lying to me. Sure, I deserve to be told the truth to, but my degree of feeling for him has somehow risen beyond that. Risen to a point that, hey, I want to help him, even if he has wronged me. That doesn’t matter. I want him to be happy.

Maybe that’s what love is about. You go beyond caring for your needs, and want to help someone else fix their problems. This is the point I’m at with Jacob. I just wish he would talk to me about it. I can’t help him out if I don’t know what’s going on, and that’s what I hate most about this whole situation.

Sure, I’d be a bit unhappy if I’d heard for sure that Jacob’s been handfeeding me lies, but I’d feel a bit heartless if I just left his life completely. He may not deserve it, but he’s still got a lot of my concern. Maybe he just doesn’t know. I want to tell him, and I’m not sure exactly when I’ll be able to do that.

You know, in a cosmic sort of way, it’s funny how I can’t figure out what’s going on until it may be too late. I wasn’t sure if I loved him. Wasn’t sure if I wanted to stay with him. I was unsure about a lot of things. Of course,  now that I realize what I want, I can’t inform the one of my revelation.

Someone, somewhere out in the void of space, give me that chance. Just once. I just want to see him one more time. To talk. Even if it means that we won’t see each other again after that.

I just need that one chance.


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