Of Downpours and Melting Sugar Cube castles

Shot down once again. In this love affair called life, I have once again been given the cold shoulder, although I am partly at fault.

I doubt I need to introduce you to the idea that I have/had (depending on your outlook) an uber huge crush on a guy named Chris. My crush has been going on and off for a long time. A looong time.

Well, today, my sugar cube castle was rained on and melted into a puddle at my feet.

You know that picture I have, the one of Chris playing Guitar Hero? Well, it turns out, my entire crush on him started based on a misunderstanding. As you can see in that picture, I was merely trying to rest my hand on the chair, but I guess Chris got this weird idea that I liked him and was trying to put my hand on his shoulder. This was not my intent at all. Being drunk I was naturally a little less aware, but that was in no way the message I was trying to send to Chris.

But, the way it stands, I misred his misreading of me. I thought he was trying to hold my hand. Easy mistake to make, but I feel kind of bad. I started having a big crush on him based on something that I totally misinterpreted. And he’s got a girlfriend, but he’s a shy guy too, so it was just a misunderstanding and shyness on both our parts.

Today just.. hasn’t been a good day. First, I didn’t go to theatre because I don’t have my paper done, and they took the final today. Then, I was still stressing over the fact that I haven’t done anything for my online class because lack of communication on the instructor’s part. On top of that, I was stressing over my Applied Voice final. When Chris went to class this morning and I hadn’t given him the present I got him, I was under the impression that he was going to leave school after class.

I was wearing these two barettes in my hair. Jarrod jokingly mentioned that I had a ‘hunk of metal’ in my hair. Even though it was an innocent statement, that put me over the edge. So, here comes Robert, the cute 21 year old married man, to the rescue. He makes a hell of a good shoulder to cry on, let me tell you.

After that I was a little better. My Applied Voice final went just fine. After I got back, Denisa (a friend of mine) explained the thing about Chris. I started bawling again.

So, there goes another one down the shitter. I’m starting to believe more and more that men truly are like toilets. All the good ones are taken, and the rest are full of shit.

I know this is not the end of the world. I will get over it, I know I will, but it’s just hard to hear sometimes….

It’s better knowing, and not having to worry, wonder, and stress over something like this, but a part of me almost wishes I could keep living in this little fantasy world and keep dreaming about what could be but probably never will between Chris and I.

I just…. wish I realized how destructive or misleading I can be before the fact. It seems like I realize these things when it’s too late to do anything. As much as I hate saying it, I’m going to have to, yet again, chalk this one up to experience.

As Denisa said (and I’m not sure I believe her yet) I’m too pretty and too young to put all my hopes onto one guy. I thought this one time I’d quit being negative and for once, be optimistic. But thing is, it seems like whenever I think that, something bad happens, and then I don’t want to get my hopes up, because I think I’ll just automatically be let down anyway.

Truth is, I still don’t know what to think. Hopefully, though, I learn from my mistake: being shy sucks, but you just have to fucking kick down your brick wall and just do what you want. Because giving in to the fear and avoiding it is not going to make it any easier. 

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One thought on “Of Downpours and Melting Sugar Cube castles

  1. Nice makeover onf your site.

    You’ll get over being shy – hey – doing the blog is a step isn’t it?

    You gotta look for positive stuff bluesilver, you’ve shown you’re a kind and sharing person in the TMDR forum, I wish you the best!

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