The beauty of a dream….

At this point, I wish I had one.

I don’t know, it just seems like everything I try to do in life is a failure.

I will now enlighten you about my biggest screw up, my entire college experience.

I entered my first year of college much like I went through High School; by the flaming seat of my charred pants as I got burned by my own attitude.

My grades and my attendance were about as horrible as my delinquent attitude.

So much so that my financial aid got suspended, because I didn’t have at least a 2.o GPA.

I vowed not to let the same thing happen… I got my financial aid decision appealed, to get a second shot at the whole college thing.

But I seem to have screwed that up, starting with dropping Comp and Speech. I was behind two papers and a speech, so I dropped it. But, I had to remain at full time status, so I added this online class, Intro to Insurance. I tried e-mailing the teacher at least four or five different times, and I got nothing back.

And, for some ungodly reason that I still have not discovered, I could not force myself to see if he had a room, or if I needed any books, or anything of that nature… I didn’t do an iota of work, so I got an incomplete for all my trouble.

And, I retook Intro to Theatre, thinking I could erase the F off my record from last year, but I failed it again this year, because I missed so much, and he wouldn’t let me make up the final, because he said even with a perfect score, I’d missed so much that it wouldn’t matter.

And, to make matters worse, I’ve been lying to my parents about how I’m doing, and

I just can’t stop.

I can’t rain on their parade.

I can’t sink their ocean liner.

I   CAN’T    DO    IT.

They’re in such good moods right now. New Years is coming up. We just had a great day with my grandparents and both my aunt & uncle, which, they are very hard to get along with.

They had so much hope for me, and because I have problems and things I can’t explain, I biffed it up again.

I’m not looking for excuses to defend my laziness. I’m not looking for a defense for my being a bum.

I’m just looking for answers, because I honestly don’t know why I do or feel certain things.

Mood swings. I’m pretty sure I’ve had long lasting relationships with manic depression and bipolar disorder. Manic depression because, when I’m happy, I have the whole world wrapped around my finger, and when I’m depressed, it seems like the whole world just
s u c k s,  and it will never, ever get any better.

And the lying. I just can’t seem to stop the lying. I must be a habitual liar or something.

And my bad attention span, especially when it comes to work. Now, I’m pretty sure three measly hours making beef sandwiches isn’t exactly anybody’s walk in the park, but compared to the hours most fast food workers have to put in, it should seem like one.

But for me, it’s unbearable. After being there for an hour, I am so bored and hopeless, I don’t know what to do. It feels like the clock has stopped, and that I’ll  never escape… And even though I know time is still moving, every single time I work, this happens. I can only think of twice in the history of me working there that I haven’t been hopeless for most of my shift.

And, homework/studying. I can’t even do homework for half an hour without being so incredibly bored that I have to quit… it’s like, I can’t concentrate on it, my mind wanders too much…

So, being the fun little ball of sunshine that I am, I probably have some type of ADHD or ADD or something… or some other disorder that has some of the same symptoms…

Simply put, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and it doesn’t feel like it will ever get better.

So I probably have some issues with depresion too.

Goody.

As if my chances of getting a boyfriend were any good before I went and screwed up all this shit… Now I’m pretty sure I’m going to die an old lady with like, 1000s of cats in a rotting old shack that all the little kids throw rocks at.

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One thought on “The beauty of a dream….

  1. Depression and self-esteem issues run in my family. I’m concerned about what I read in your journal, because you seem like a very creative, smart young woman, yet you are in a cycle of despair. I’m sure money is tight, but does your college have a counseling service? I think you need to speak with someone to get some support. A woman with such promise needs to know she is worthy and capable of so much more. You need to find out why you are not doing as well as you can in school, and you need to find a way to tell the truth to your parents, otherwise you’re setting yourself up for some greater unhappiness down the line. And you are so young – worry about boyfriends later. Get yourself happy and stable and empowered, and the boyfriends will come later. Focus on yourself. I’m telling you this because I grew up in a small midwestern town, a theater girl, overweight, struggling with depression from time to time… you can make your own path in this life. Do not despair. I have met presidents and princes, I’ve stood at the foot of Mount Ararat. I have been held at gunpoint by brigands on the Black Sea, and I have swum with sharks in Thailand. But I started out as a small town girl, feeling like I was going nowhere. Talk to a counselor. Find some assistance. There is no shame in it. I came to this entry from your post on the TD Forum about your parents not believing you about people meeting a musician. (I can only wonder what they’d think about my life.) But then you wrote that you believed people on the forum because they hadn’t done anything to betray your trust yet. It struck me as an odd thing to say to a group of friendly strangers. But in reading your blog, I understand. I hope you find some clarity and some support. Don’t let your promise fade! Good luck, and may 2007 be an exceptional year for you!!

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