Here I am again.
Feeling a bit contemplative, and a little depressed. Unlike other episodes though, I have a bit of a reason for my current depression…
I have to work tomorrow, from 11-2.
I gather that if you’re reading this text right now, you’re no stranger to my blog. And, should that be the case, chances are you’ve heard my weekly misadventures about work.
I go through the same godforsaken thing every single week. It starts the evening before, if I have to work in the morning. And it’s even worse in the morning, before work. I’m trying not to get so worked up about it, because honestly, there is no use in it.
I have to work, I should just be able to put up with that. And I’m lucky. I only have to work for three hours.
Yet, this time it’s a bit harder.
Last week, I filled out an application to be a dish washer at a bar/restaurant, and they said they’d call when they found anything out. I want to be positive about this, but at the same time, it’s looking an awful lot like every other time I’ve filled out an application. Or gone to an interview. I go in hoping for the best. They promise to call either way, but they never do. I usually don’t hear from them again, at all.
That’s what got me stuck at Arby’s in the first place. Summer of ’06. Of all the places I applied at, besides Kum & Go (a gas station that wanted me to work the early morning shift… which would have worked, except I had to be up at 5 to deliver papers on my summer route), the only place I heard from was Arby’s.
And, the only reason I got stuck there is because my dad was threatening me, that if I didn’t have a job by the beginning of July, I would be like a prisoner in my own home.
So what was I supposed to do? Turn down a job I had a bad feeling about from the start, or get nearly everything in this world that I live for (music) taken away from me?
Right from the start, I was telling myself I should have lied to dad and said that Arby’s decided not to hire me.
I know that the first step to getting off all this lying is to try not to justify the dishonesty, but Arby’s has a piss poor way of proving that to me. Because if I had turned them down, I wouldn’t be going through this right now. I’d be avoiding all this shit I go through every weekend when I have to work.
And, what’s worse, is I need money, hence needing more hours, but if I have to work there for more than a couple days a week, I go insane.
I’m doing it again. The same goddam thing I do every week.
Even though work may not be like, OMG THEEEE MOST FUN I EVAR HAD, I’m not exactly scarred for life when my shift is over.
I suppose the dread is actually making my work seem worse than it is.
I just… You know when you walk up to a group of people that have just mentioned you. Or when I’m standing at the slicer, watching a group of co-workers take advantage of a slow minute in the store to exchange some mindless banter we call ‘chat’. I know they must talk about me in some way.
I feel like I’m not good enough.
I only make the fucking beef sandwiches, and I take it harder than the people who have to make all the other types of sandwiches. And, I marvel at how they could possibly remember all those sandwich types. I have trouble with just the beef ones.
I should just shut up. Work’s not going to be as bad as I keep thinking, even though I won’t like it.
“Give me your shoulder, I need a place to wait for morning”.
Thomas Dolby. Quite frankly, the man amazes me to no end, and I don’t even know him…..
I don’t know. I’m going insane, and right now, his music seems to be the only think keeping me from completely losing it.
I just don’t know anymore.
Damn streaks of depression.