I can be such a drama queen sometimes.
I’ve already talked about it countless times, the infamous ‘Let’s treat the commentary box on TMDR’s blog like a fucking shrink” incident, but I’ve been fretting about it ever since some friends on the forum telling me what I really already knew.
How utterly inappropriate it was for me to post that comment on a complete stranger’s blog. Well, I added the ‘utterly’ sentiment… as I’m being harder on myself than the others are being on me.
What did I think was going to happen? I seem to be taking this like a tweenager obsessing over her favorite member of a goddam boy band… I’ve already had a few dreams in which TMDR has been involved in some way. What did I think would happen?
That’s it. I’ve become my mother.
That was my guilt machine. You see, my mother has this guilt machine. To avoid just saying what she wants to say, or wants someone do to, she will guilt people into doint it. And she denies it. She uses people’s emotions to get what she wants.
I think she likes being pitied.
I feel pathetic, but I think my word vomit on TMDR’s blog may have been my subconscious cry for pity.
How can I admire a man so much when he is, in fact, a stranger? How can I desire so much to be a part of someone’s life if I don’t even know them?
I think we, as normal fans of a celebrity, can be disillusioned by them. We ‘know’ so much about them, and so much about their work, that we feel that we know them.
The fact is, we only think we know them.
No matter how much I love his music.
No matter how much I wish I was one of the lucky friends in his life.
No matter how much I admire the man’s work.
No matter how much I wish I could collaborate with him musically.
No matter how much I wish I could get synth lessons!
No matter how many dreams and fantasies I will have about meeting him.
It will not even matter if I actually am lucky enough to meet Thomas someday.
I will probably never know him as I so desire to.
Because I feel like he’s a best friend, though his music, and all relationships, whether between friends or lovers, are not one way streets.
I feel like his music has given so very much to me, I want to give something back. I’m not sure how my brain’s chemical imbalance thought word vomiting all over his blog commentary was going to accomplish that.
I’m just worried that I’ve freaked out one of it not the only musician I’ve ever wanted to impress. Creating disharmony with no outlet is the very last thing I wanted to do. I must have thought that by roughly stating “Hey, your music and blog are distracting my destructive habits” I would be complimenting him. Do you know how absoultely awful I would feel if Mr. Dolby did run across my comment and worried about it, or it affected him in any negative way?
It’s the worst when you KNOW it’s your fault.
I don’t want to cause anybody pain, because when I know I’ve caused someone else pain or other disharmony, it’s almost like I inflicted pain upon myself.
I like making people feel good.
I like giving people what they need.
I like fixing other people because I don’t know how to fix myself.
I know I can’t do everything, but it still distresses me sometimes.
I wish the man all the best in the world, I really do.
Chances are, in the matter of guilting him, I’m worrying about nothing. With how busy the man is, I doubt reading old blog comments is at the top of his “To Do list”. Even so, the uncertainty is going to kill me.
If he’s read my comment, I wish so much that he could also hear my apology that it will probably eat me alive for a long time.
I want to say I’m sorry. Sure, Mr. Dolby, I’m depressed, and all that jazz, sure, but you didn’t deserve my SPAM in your blog comments. That was neither the time and place, and I now realize that, whereas it wasn’t so clear before. I could say I’m sorry a thousand times a day (and mean it) for as long as I live, and I wouldn’t feel like my apology was adequate. You’ve done so much for me through your music, I feel like a thief because I’m not offering anything back. I can’t even get my ass to one of your concerts.
This is probably going to bother me until I discover a way to give back, even if it is just by being at one of his concerts.