Melancholy- a gloomy state of mind, esp. when habitual or prolonged; depression.

I gather you can estimate what sort of day I’ve had by the title of this blog.

Plus, I think I’m going insane.

Being constantly afraid of rhings, and for no reason. Like, the dark. Going in the basement. Staying up after everyone else has gone to bed. Being alone. Things like that.

At this point, I don’t know what is normal and what I’m overreacting about.

Depression? Manic depression? Bipolar disorder? ADD?

I just want to know what’s wrong with me, because nothing will get better or get fixed until we know what the fuck it is….

Once again, my father said he would call the mental health center for me, and he still hasn’t.

It happens every goddam time. 

He says he will, and then he doesn’t.

Dammit.

I don’t want to be afraid to stay up later than everyone else in my family. I don’t want to be scared of coming home so late everyone is in bed by the time I get there. I don’t want to be afraid of going in the basement. And people telling me, then don’t be, that doesn’t work… even though I want it to. At this point, I’m just so confused about everything… and knowing I’m going to be more than likely moving out of the dorms tomorrow…

Ugh. I’ll have to take everything off my walls, clean the mirrors (as I’ve written on them with eyeliner and dry erase marker), get absolutely everything out, and vacuum.. and my dad and or the rest of the family will insist on being there… and it’s complete hell when we do those sorts of things…. I’d rather they let me do it myself, but I apparently can’t be trusted.

Knowing that torks me off just a little bit, but I suppose I deserve the mistrust I so often receieve.

I just… want to let loose and party this weekend. Maybe get drunk and play guitar hero, that sort of thing…. I just want to, for a while, forget about the cauldron of confusion I’m now being mixed into…

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