You’re a heard habit to break….

Does everyone have their recliner and big ol’ cup of coffee ready?
Good. Then we can begin.

My weekend (including my Friday night) started as most do.

Utterly uneventful, and void of excitement. My boyfriend was with his kid, so I couldn’t very well take time away from them. Luckily, I made plans with my best friend to stay at her house a while, and then, go shopping.

In my brilliance, I misread the sign at work that said they’d be closed until the 9th. Instead, it said they would be closed the week of the 9th.
So, on Friday I picked up my check, for little over $110. I paid back my father the $40 I owed him, and I had him hold onto a 20 for me, as am notorious for my inability to save money.

Around 12:30 on Saturday, I got to my friend’s house, where we played a bit of DDR and Guitar Hero II. Afterwards, we went off shopping. I needed to acquire a costume for the college’s upcoming variety show. I found it at the last second hand store we tried. It was perfect for the part of the maid from the Brady Bunch, a part which the choir director so generously volunteered me for. I’m not so sure the dress will fit me quite right… Still, I will be able to make due with my vivid imagination and ingenuity. </sarcasm>

Anyway, back at the lab.

After going to the second hand stores, my friend and I ventured to Wal-Mart for a bit of browsing and time killing. We decided to eat dinner at China Buffet, where I surprised myself by only eating one and a half plates of food. That’s a new low, which is a good thing.

After that, we stopped at Sally’s Beauty Supply, to kill a bit more time.  There, I got some badly needed nail strengthener for my bendy, thin fingernails. The other thing I purchased was a thing of semi permanent turquoise hair dye (I’m not sure it’s semi permanent, it might just be temporary, but I know it’s not ultra permanent). I stated in a blog earlier that I was going to wait until after the varity show to use it, but I might just test how long it lasts by putting some of it in my hair tomorrow. I like to do punkish things like that when I am feeling depressed.

Why, might you ask, are you depressed, your life sounds like it has been going famously lately.

Well, I will now enlighten you as to the cause of my depressed state.

My boyfriend Chad works at Casey’s, as a doughnut maker. He has to be to work at the ungodly hour of 4:00 am. Since he sometimes has trouble waking up to his alarm, sometimes he will just stay up the entire night and sleep after he gets off work around 8:30 or so. Such was the case this morning.

I asked yesterday if he wanted to hang out, and he said it sounded like a good idea, and also that he would call me after work to straighten out how the day would go.

He called me after work, but said we probably would not be able to hang out, because he was so tired, if it had been any worse,  he wouldn’t have been driving home, he would have caught a nap before trying to go anywhere.

I was disappointed, not only because he’d told me we would hang out, but partly due to my somewhat clingy personality. Not that I cling to him all the time, but I’m used to seeing him almost every day of the week, if only for a few minutes. I wasn’t so disappointed I wouldn’t be able to see him, so much as having my day’s plans foiled. We talked for a bit.

I informed him that I was taking my brother to see the movie “Meet the Robinsons” at 4:10. He told me to call him at 3:00pm to wake him. Then, he would meet us at the movie theatre, watch the movie with us, and then follow me home. After dropping my brother off, he and I were going to leave in his car to possibly see another movie.

But, as you can plainly see, I am doing something wrong, because Karma hardly, if ever, takes a liking to me. I tried calling him multiple times, but his phone wasn’t on, and his voice mailbox was full. How I am supposed to wake him if his phone is off is beyond me, but despite being disappointed again, I acted like I was fine. No reason for me to ruin this for my brother.

We got to the movie a bit early, so I tried calling Chad again. No such luck.

About halfway through the movie, Jarrod called (Jarrod and his parents are letting Chad stay in their spare room until he finds a place of his own). He asked if Chad was there with me. Negative. He also asked, wasn’t Chad supposed to pick me up or something? It was the ‘or something’, but Jarrod got my main drift.

Which made me worry. Jarrod doesn’t know where Chad is, and Chad is freaking staying at their house. Instantly, a thousand different scenarios pervaded my brain.
What if he’d been in an accident on his way here, and his cell phone battery was dead? What if he’d stood me up, deciding he had better things to do with his time?
What if he’d had to watch his daughter for some reason and didn’t want to bring her along?
What if some family emergency came up and he couldn’t make it?
And other questions of similar nature.

But, I didn’t want to miss any more of the movie than I already had by taking the call (and making a quick stop in the restroom), so I let it go, and went back inside the theatre room.

The movie was okay, but that was the least of my worries as my brother and I left the theatre and started home. I was feeling extremely depressed, and probably would have turned up some cheesy, sappy 80s music and cried had my brother not been there.

So, here I am, little over 4 hours since I was supposed to call Chad to wake him, and I still have nothing more in the way of evidence on this case.

I don’t want to make the same mistake I made with Jacob: automatically assuming the more pessimistic of the options my mind conjured up, even though I had no evidence to back them up.
Still. Part of me is wary, though, because Jacob was such an utter failure in the relationship department, among other areas of life. I don’t want to assume that Chad is just like Jacob, because he isn’t.
Chad seems to actually have decent morals and values, a feature Jacob lacked somewhat.

Based on what I know about Chad and how long I’ve known him (this entire school  year), I feel like my fear is unfounded, but I do have a slight worry in my mind that Chad may be fooling me as easily as Jacob did. I blindely believed every spoonful that Jacob fed me, and I got stepped on in the end. I’d like to think I would know if I was being used as a chew toy this time, but I’m not so sure I would. I am a decent judge at character, but even great judges can be fooled.

This sounds like my pessimistic side talking. A lot of scenarios my mind comes up with are utterly overblown and ridiculous… But, in my mind, I don’t like to get my hopes up all that much, because too often, I find that I am expecting too much and get let down. Not like I have high standards, but if something is uncertain, I tend to choose the negative option so I will not be let down, and in turn, even be surprised if something ends up working.
This may actually be the case here.
I don’t want to get my hopes up about him, so I expect the worst possible explanation so I can’t be let down, and I might even be surprised if it’s not the case.

I’m not entirely sure.

Sometimes I wonder how I can be so aware of my problems, and yet feel as if I have no power to correct them.


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