“Lean on me, when you’re not strong, I’ll be your friend, I’ll help you carry on.

For, it won’t be long ’till I’m gonna need somebody to lean on”
-Bill Withers’ “Lean on Me”.

Well, I suppose I should be in bed right now, but I’m a little too wired to sleep. I am a bit exhausted, but I’m just too alert to try sleeping at this exact moment.

If you are wondering how my life has been, it’s been okay. I could complain, but I’m not sure I have the right to. Plus, I’ve done enough complaining. I’m even starting to wear myself out with that shit… and I know it’s bad if even I can’t take it… I can take a lot of bullshit, but I’m just getting to be too much for myself.

So, I will change. It will be extremely difficult, I realize that, but I need to change. I can’t keep on doing what I’ve been doing these days. Sorry, I stole a line from a Bruce Hornsby song there. I thought it fit.

So anyway, about my weekend. It was not very eventful, sadly. My boyfriend Chad had to work on Saturday morning, and since he has to be at work at the ungodly hour of 4am, he sleeps after his shift is over around 8:30am. So, we talked about possibly hanging out on Sunday night.

I may have called him Saturday night, I don’t remember.

So, Sunday rolls around. I seem to remember him saying he didn’t have to work on Sunday, but my memory has been wrong before; this was one of those erroneous times.

My dad and I got into another one of our unproductive arguements. He wants me to be all gung ho looking for a job. Our college has the big variety show this week. We had a practice tonight which is part of the reason I am still awake right now. I technically have a job. The restaurant was closed last week for construction due to water leakage from the apartments above. And, I’ve told my parents time and time again that it will be slow until the summer, when I will probably have 40 hours a week, or more.

I think that if I have to look for another job in the first place, my parents should give me until the end of school. I have too many things to worry about this week, what with rehearsal tomorrow, possibly Wednesday, and the performances Thursday night, Friday morning, Friday night, and Sunday afternoon to worry about looking for a job. I know money has to be a priority, but this week I will hardly have time to breathe, let alone get out and about looking for another job, in addition to the one I have… Friday after the show/Saturday are my only moments of peace between now and Sunday, and I am probably going to be taking a breather at one of my friends’ houses for that.

Besides. When I’m working 40 hours a week, I don’t see how I will have time to work a whole nother job. I might have to work two jobs, but I honestly don’t see how I will have time. One job will have to take a back seat, and I’m not sure the employers would enjoy that too much.

Still. I will keep being hounded to find a job. Oh well. I’ll get over it.

Just, I think it would be a better idea to let me wait until my classes are over, so I can’t hide behind the excuse that “Oh, I have school, I can’t look for a job”.

So, anway, back to the argument. Dad yelled that I had a month to find a job, or else he’d kick me out.

Empty threats don’t work. He has always said I will always have a place to stay. Maybe, just for a few days, he needs to act upon his big threats like that. He can threaten me all he wants, but since I know he can’t follow through, I don’t listen. Fine. You know what? Kick me out, and act like you’re actually going through with it. Then, call me a few days later, and tell me now that I’ve tasted what it would be like to be kicked out, to get my ass in gear… Do something I can comprehend. Maybe if you’d followed through on some of those threats, I’d actually have learned something.

Maybe I should have been spanked more. I don’t know, but something didn’t go right, whether that was my fault or my parents’.

Anyway. After the argument, I called Chad, who regrettably informed me that he wasn’t feeling well, so we wouldn’t be hanging out. I was not mad at him by any means. As if he can help feeling like shit (although maybe more sleep would help). I was just disappointed, because after my father and I shouted at each other, I put all my hope on seeing Chad so I could forget the argument, just a little bit, for a little while.

I was at school early today. I expected Chad to be there, but only like, 3 people had showed up in the activity center by the time I went to my class.

Afterwards, Chad still was not there. I had no idea why, because he told me I would see him. All these scenarios went through my head again, as to why he wasn’t there, and as they usually are, they were wrong.

He showed up a little before 3, unexpectedly.

He attended a funeral, for his uncle, so he was depressed and a little distant. I was worried about him. He kept saying he was fine, but I didn’t believe him. I didn’t want to push it though, I figured his day and weekend had been hard enough as it was to keep pushing that I didn’t think he was being 100% honest that he was fine. Still, I worry about him a great deal. He moved back in with his, for all intensive purposes, ex wife, because the people he was staying with offended him greatly.

He was staying with my friend Jarrod and his parents. Jarrod’s dad was ranting at Jarrod and Chad, and then spouted at Chad that he was a terrible father, maybe if he wasn’t so terrible, his marriage wouldn’t have withered away and died as it did. Jarrod’s mother backed that statement up.

FUCK THEM. Chad’s life is hard enough as it is without having those two on his fucking back. My god.

So, anyway. Our rehearsal tonight went okay, except for having to start numbers over a zillion times…. My legs are killing me right now, but no pain, no gain, they always say.

It is here that I shall end my entry for the night. I should really be getting to bed. I will sleep a little better knowing I got some of this off my chest.


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