If I should stay, I would only be in your way, so I’ll go, but I know, I’ll think of you every step of the way…

…”And I will always love you.”

Damn. This has been one hell of a week. At least I’m doing better today than I have been the past few days.

I finally got some answers. I decided to call Chad once before I went to bed. I figured I was going to get his voicemail again, so I didn’t really expect anybody to answer; but Chad answered.

I guess he’d developed feelings for an old friend of his (someone I probably don’t know). The only problem with that is, she has someone else, but she and her man are having problems.

I should have told Chad this when I was on the phone, but it didn’t cross my mind.


I don’t want  him to set himself up for failure.

Let’s see here. What did Chad and I NOT do? FUCKING WAIT. I can’t explain why I was so drawn to him so fast, but even so, we should have really kept caps on our relationship until he got things worked out with Ellen. It would have avoided a lot of misunderstanding and feelings getting stomped on.

Still, after their last try got ruined, both Chad and I were on the understanding that we would take it easy for a while, and then try the relationship thing again in a couple months.

I still don’t know exactly when Chad started developing feelings for this girl, but I did notice that he had been acting a bit distant to me for the past week or so. It bothered me, but I figured, if Chad really wanted to talk about it, he’d bring it up.

Not so.

I’ve told my friends again and again that I am somewhat of a social retard; sometimes, I do not recognize a behavior as innapropriate. People have to tell me, or I might not ever figure it out. Also, Chad promised me that if he had a problem with me, he would tell me.

Such was the case with my incessant calling. I honestly did not realize how much I’d been calling Chad, especially over the past few days, but I needed some answers, and where else was I going to GET those answers, except from Chad himself?

He was ignoring my calls; I’m positive that a few times, I heard the phone pick up, and then instantly hang up. The phone would be off. I was told that the phone was having a problem charging.

That might have been the case. That phone is older than dirt and has been to Hell and back, so it’s amazing that it still makes and recieves calls. Still, I almost thought that the crappy phone excuse was just so he could have the phone off, and not have to keep ignoring the ringer, or giving me excuses.

I’m sorry, but when I find out from someone else that you’ve developed an interest in someone else, I am going to keep bugging you until I get the answers that I deserve.

Now that I got some of the answers I needed, I’ve chilled out. He apologized for not telling me himself, and actually repeated some of the points I made in my last entry, about him needing to be a man, grow some balls, and answer his phone.

He told me that he was afraid of hurting my feelings; he feared that he would never, ever have a friendship with me, so he just ignored my calls and myspace messages. I informed him that he cannot worry about protecting my feelings like that anymore. I said that with matters like that, I am 20 years old, I can take care of myself. He was actually really glad to hear that.

Next time I see him, I’m going to tell him:
First of all, it doesn’t matter how you and this girl feel about each other; romantically, stay the fuck away from her until she gets her shit worked out, and until you get your shit worked out. Give it some time to think. Is this a crush, or could it potentially be more? You have no reason to take my advice, but look what happened to us. Do you want that to happen again, with her? I know how hard it could be, especially if you have very strong feelings towards each other, but it’s for the best that you two don’t go  anywhere on the romantic front until things get worked out (it does depend on the severity of the problems this girl is having with her man though).
Secondly, if you ever ignore me because you want to protect my feelings, or are afraid I won’t want to be friends/anything else again, I will personally track you down and bitchslap you into next week.
Ignoring the problem may make things seem okay for a tiny bit, but overall, it’s going to make it worse. If you think it’s hard now, just think of how hard it will be in a couple days, or a week. It might be tough to say things sometimes, but you just have to deal with it.

That is probably one of the most important lessons in life that I have learned in the past month. It’s going to be hard. It’s going to suck. You’re going to really hate having to say something like that, but you just have to freaking DO IT.

Still. The next time I see him, or the next time he answers his phone, I want to also tell him that part of me will always love him. Even, 10 years down the road, if we’re both HAPPILY married to other people. With that, though, he has to know that 1, if someone ever hurts him and he doesn’t deserve it, I will beat them within an inch of their life. Secondly, I’d want to ask him that if it happens to be so that, a while down the road, his romantic affairs aren’t working out, and mine aren’t working out, that maybe we could give the relationship another shot.

I was thinking today (shocking, I know). Maybe Chad and I weren’t meant for right now, but it could still have some potential. I’m not going to wait around and not date, in hopes that Chad will come back to me. If I find someone with potential, I won’t push them away because I’m waiting for Chad or anything, but if it so happens that both of us find ourselves alone again, sometime in the future, maybe we can give it one more try.

In other news; in case you haven’t been reading my blog regularly, I have a job. There is a Heartland Inn less than 3 blocks from my house, and I’m going in tomorrow morning at 9 to fill out some paperwork. That could not have happened at a better time. The parents had just about had it with my failed job search. It seemed like I had applied at so many places, yet not heard anything back from any of them.
What with the job and relationship problems piled on top of each other, I was litterally driving myself crazy. I have really high hopes for this job. I figure, I’ll just be cleaning rooms and such, how much will I have to interact with customers for that?

So ends the entry. You’re welcome to comment.


7 thoughts on “If I should stay, I would only be in your way, so I’ll go, but I know, I’ll think of you every step of the way…

  1. Honestly, after reading your posts, I’d say you dodged a really big bullet. This guy (I won’t call him a man) shows a real lack of maturity. He immediately picks up with a 20 year old girl before the ink is dry on his divorce papers, strings her along for a short time, lets her become obsessed (the repeated phone calls? textbook obsessive behavior on your part, I have to say), and then drops her by ignoring her? You have to find out from his still not ex-wife that he’s hooking up with someone else? Uh, what about his kids? He has, like, two kids, right? When are they a priority in his life? Not like I want to agree with that freak Dr. Laura, but sometimes she’s right. In a time of divorce, the parents are supposed to make THE KIDS their first priority, not their dating or sex life. Really sad. If this guy is 30, making donuts at the Kwikie Mart for a job, hitting on a 20 yr old, and then ditching her without telling her to her face, AND his kids aren’t his first priority, you’re well rid of him. Good riddance to bad rubbish. I’m sure you can do better. Good luck with your job.

  2. He has three kids, but only one is his, the other two are hers from a different marriage.
    And, when he broke up with me, he did tell me to my face.
    Nothing was set in stone after their last try fell through either.
    So, while I appriciate your comment, I don’t think Chad deserves the ire you’re giving him at the moment.
    I don’t think of him as any less a person.
    We all make mistakes. This last month or two of college has been the hardest on not only me, but my friends as well.
    Chad was no different. What with his relationship problems, trying to find his own place, taking care of his kids, school, a job, and living at least 40 minutes from work, plus all the other things bouncing around in his head, we’re lucky to still have him around.
    So, while it really sucks that he wants someone else, I can’t really think any less of him for that.
    How would I tell someone that I fell for someone else? It’s hard okay, I don’t really blame him for not telling me.
    Plus, he apologized for his mistake, and I trust him, so I accepted it. Innocent until proven guilty. I trust someone until they give me reason not to, and he hasn’t.

  3. Not sure why you’re defending him still. By the way, I hope you’re not using their real names (Chad and Ellen) out here. Blog entries, myspace entries and comments, livejournal stuff can all be used in divorce proceedings and in child custody hearings. This was just done in the case of my sister’s son and his ex wife. My nephew is paying the price for his lack of discretion now. If these are their real names I would recommend changing them in all the entries where you mention them.

  4. Begging your pardon dear, but he adopted the boys two years ago. He is listed on their birth certificates. So indeed, they are his. Thanks for the tip, Kelli P. I believe I will print out these blogs before they are changed. I’ve already printed out the myspace mails where I specifically asked this girl to leave my husband alone, that I wanted to try and work out my marriage… to which she replied I was delusional and she would do as she pleased.

  5. I have just about had it with you.
    First of all, I knew that he adopted the boys, I was just clarifying that they are not biologically his.
    Secondly, what do you plan to prove by printing off my blogs and myspace messages?
    I’ve tried and tried to be nice to you, but all you do is piss all over me. What do you want to prove to yourself by making me miserable?
    You’re an adult; so please, stop behaving like you’re in middle school.

  6. Besides.
    According to him, it was only a formality that he was still married.
    You’re a great mother, and a great person; but at that point, the marriage was over.
    I am not a homewrecker. Do you think I would ever have intentionally gotten together with Chad if I’d thought that you two still had a chance?

  7. Sorry if you feel I am pissing all over you. Just sharing my wisdom, learned the hard way, when I say to you: do not ever trust a man who says the end of his marriage is a mere formality. Tell him to call you back when the ink is dry.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s