The hardest thing is to let go….

Warning: I wrote this originally as a myspace bulletin. I wrote it in a huff, so please do not be offended by anything in it. I just feel like I have to post it here.

What now?
I thought the hardest part was over.
The one I love wants someone else, not me.
I’m getting better about that day by day.
And yet some people still continue to amaze me.
You… you had your chance and blew it. Don’t get angry at me because YOU pissed away your last chance.
And you still call yourself his wife?? He gave you a second chance, and suddenly, after he broke it off with me,  YOU weren’t so sure you wanted to try again.
He gave his heart to you, and you threw it in the blender, and pushed frappe.
(Those are his own words, by the way).

As if his life isn’t hard enough.
As if my life wasn’t bad enough.
Lots of other people have it much worse than me, I realize that.
Still…

Besides, what do you plan on proving, printing off my myspace messages and my blog entries?
It wasn’t an affair; it was OVER.
FUCKING OVER.
You still being married was a formality.
I would never, ever have persued my interest in him if I thought you two still had a chance.
Honestly.
I’m not that heartless and cruel.

I will admit.
I was confused that entire time.
I didn’t know what was going on.
I never had any intent on being the ‘other girl’, okay? That was never, EVER my plan.
Everyone makes mistakes. I’m sure you’ve done and said things that you regret.
Not that I regret my time with him; I just regret the circumstances we found ourselves in.
I am sorry if I caused you any more strain or stress than you needed.  You’re the mother of three children, you have a job, volunteer at church: honestly, I am sorry if I’ve caused you any distress; that was not my intent at all. I’m sorry your marriage didn’t work out.
I’m sorry.
How many more times do I have to say it?
I AM FUCKING SORRY.
Neither of us intended things to end up as they have.
It’s been a hard time for all of us.
I’m sorry you have suffered as much as I’m sure you have.
I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.
I don’t know how it’s going between you two recently, but if the relationship is ending, know this.
Letting go is the hardest part. It sucks. It makes you want to die inside; I know. I’ve died inside, not only on account of this situation, but the situation I was in, with my ex boyfriend Jacob.

Sometimes you just have to take a deep breath and Let It Go. Things don’t always work out like we plan them. I’m very sorry things have been tough for you, alright? I truly am. It kills me to know that people are going through such hurt and stress, and I can’t do anything about it.
I will say it again: I AM SORRY.

Sorry for all of this shit.
I didn’t shun advice on purpose.
I really did think you were just having a hard time letting go, and I was under the impression that everyone else was just seeing a ten year age difference, and someone who was having a hard time in their life with someone like me. I figured, they didn’t know.
I am still learning things about life.
I will say it one last time.
I am truly sorry for this.
I hope things look up for you in the future.
I really do.
Of all the people who deserve it, it’s people like you guys. I can deal. I deserve to be tortured like this, I’m worth nothing in life. I’m just a piece of useless flesh using up the planet’s resources, but you guys, you have reasons to live and I am sorry I messed with that.

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One thought on “The hardest thing is to let go….

  1. STOP SAYING YOU’RE SORRY!!!!!!!!!! I wasn’t looking for a “sorry.” BTW: “I’m worth nothing in life. I’m just a piece of useless flesh using up the planet’s resources…” Bullshit. How many times do I have to tell you that you are a lovely girl with lots of potential? I’m not making a snide comment. I mean it. No matter how much I pick at you or try to push your buttons or cause your head to spin, really, you are a lovely girl. I just want you to be very careful in the future, like we all need to be, when you go about dating. And if my picking at you plants enough thought in your head to make you a bit wary, HOORAY! Blame it on my inner feminist, though I claim to hate the vary same, there really is a feminazi lurking inside me somewhere… Take care.

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