Love bites…


At least somebody checks their messages.

I was informed that Chad has developed feelings for someone else.

And he doesn’t even have the balls to tell me.

He complains about how I call him all the time, but if he would just answer ONCE, I could get some closure, and then I would quit calling him. It’s not that hard, people. I am not going to just QUIT calling because you QUIT answering your goddam phone.

You can’t be afraid of talking to me because you’re afraid how I’ll take it.

Grow some balls and just tell me, alright? It was harder knowing I had to find it out from someone ELSE, than if Chad would just grow up, be a MAN, and tell me himself.

With that being said, I hope you’re happy knowing you gave something great up. We could have worked this out. You could have just sucked it up and told me the truth, despite being afraid. At age THIRTY, I think you should be past all that “Oh I’m afraid to tell you” type shit. Just fucking do it. I can handle it. I’m not a little wilting flower anymore.

I already know it’s over for good. Okay, I fucking know that.

All I wish to do now is talk to Chad once more to figure all this out, and then, I will leave him be.

He can just throw me out of his life like I deserve. He can’t keep acting like an immature little brat, and then complaining to OTHER PEOPLE, mind you, about how much I call him, when in actuality, all he would have to do is answer, talk to me for a little bit so I can figure this out, and then, I’d be done with it. Hell, I’d even delete his number from my fucking phone. I just want some closure. I want to hear it from him. And, I want to know who it is that he thinks is so worthy of his affections now. I think I deserve to know, especially if it is someone I know personally.

I’m not going to say I should have listened to the advice people gave me before, because how was I supposed to know this would be where I’m at right now.

I just… wish I hadn’t let myself hope. Every time I let myself hope, either, someone else fucks it up by being a pussy, or I am such a social retard, I drive people away. You have to be honest with me. If you’re annoyed with or angry at me,  you have to QUIT  BEING AFRAID OF HOW I WILL TAKE THE NEWS and just grow some fucking balls and tell me. TELL ME GOD DAMMIT.

That’s all I ask. Some closure. Then, I will let you live your life, and you can just quit thinking of me as your friend. If you can’t even tell me you don’t want me anymore, you have to let SOMEONE ELSE do it.

Quit being a pussy. Just fucking call or message me and let me know what’s going on. Then, I’ll forget you like I should have done months ago.


Love is more than a one way reflection…

As if my library of drama needed another volume.

So, if you read this regularly, you know the recent forest of drama I’ve been struggling through with this broken machete of sorts that I seem to posess.

You know how I’ve been trying to contact Chad, right? I haven’t had any luck, with the exception of a 2 minute phone conversation yesterday. I was just about to ask him about the myspace bulletin he wrote when the phone died on me.

That left my mind to go off on it’s own negative tangents. These cause me so much stress that I am litterally nauseous beyond belief. If I am having so much stress that I get sick, I’ve got a problem. Still, today, I got a call from Chad’s phone. It was his wife. She said that ‘chad was at the computer with a pretty little girl, so I could move on now’ and hung up.

Thing is, I don’t know that I can believe her. It is NOT like Chad to ignore me for days. He ignored me for a night, because he didn’t feel like talking to anyone, but it is not like him to act like this.

And proof? What proof do I have that Chad was indeed sitting at his computer with a pretty little girl? It could have been his little girl Gracie. It could have been one of the many females that our group like to hang out with.

Thing is, knowing what Ellen has told me in the past, I’m not so sure I can believe her.

Still. I don’t know what to think anymore.

I just want some answers. Even if Chad doesn’t like me as more than a friend. I deserve to be told what’s going on.

Does he want someone else? Has he really been trying to ignore me, or is that Ellen’s doing?

He can’t be afraid to protect my feelings. He can’t be afraid how it will affect our friendship.

Trust me, sweetheart, it will hurt our friendship more if you remain silent.

I just want some answers. After I get the answers I deserve, I will leave you to live your life, or I will stay in it, whichever option you feel is best.

I love you, Chad. I’m not going to lie. I feel very strongly for you, and I would not be so worried about you unless I felt so strongly. Even so, if you want to just be friends for now, or forever, I’m sure we can work something out.

Just, please, do not think that ignoring me will make me forget this problem. I cannot forget. Ever since I read that bulletin, my mind has thought of little else, and my stomach has been in a gigantic knot; I am litterally making myself sick because of all the stress I am feeling at the moment.

I may be making a big deal for nothing, but until someone gives me some answers, my condition will only worsen.

How will I know?

Hello all. It’s been a bit since I updated the blog, so I figured I would drop you all a line. Just to make sure you knew I didn’t die or anything. 😉

Today I got some great news. Heartland Inn called me back, and I’m going in on Monday morning to fill out some paper work. In other words,


Thank God; my parents will finally ease up on me just a little bit. The only downside is that I have to go shopping for khaki pants to wear at work, because jeans aren’t allowed, and I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t go for the ‘camo clad housekeeper’ look either. lol.

I have been banned from the computer for a week, a ban which I broke today to check my e-mail (because I get tons of junk mails) and myspace, stuff like that.

Chad had posted a bulletin that went something along the lines of “what should a person do if they want someone they can’t have.walk away, Or fight for who he wants.I’m purposely not mentioning a name, i just don’t know what to do.i don’t know how to say how i feel to this person. I’m afraid it will affect our friendship.leave me a comment if you want with a suggestion on what i should do.”

I copied and pasted that, so it’s word for word.

It made me worry; but then again, what doesn’t nowadays?

I could listen to my negative, pessimistic side and say I’m being rejected. OR, I COULD TURN A NEW LEAF and believe that I’m the one being talked about. I really don’t have to tell you all which option I hope it is.

Still. I got it from my mom; damn her worrywart genes. I’m probably just (warning: another cliche) making mountains out of molehills, but at the same time I’m telling myself that, I’m also wondering if I have a right to be worried.

Still, for what seems like the first time in my life, I’m going to let myself hope. It might be a mistake; I’m fully aware of that. Getting something good wouldn’t be an achievement if it weren’t a difficult task to complete. Without times like this (in which my stomach is in knots, and I can’t think of anything else), I wouldn’t appriciate the times when my life is going well. It’s the same way that peace cannot exist without chaos, and good cannot exist without evil.

Damn, that’s the most philosophical I’ve been in a long time.

Still. The problems with Chad’s phone aren’t helping. It’s not charging right, among other things…

 I finally got a hold of him earlier today, and I was just about to ask him about the bulletin he posted when his phone died.

Damn cellular phones and their inability to work the way we want!

Still. I am trying to put this worry on the back burner for now. I don’t want it to ruin my evening, but at the same time, I will be worried the pot will boil over, creating the wreck of a human being I can be when such emotions get to be too much for me to not know about.

Talk about your average, run on sentence. ^^;

Anyway, it is here that I will end today’s entry.

Please, feel free to leave me comments. Even if I don’t like them, I will not delete them unless it’s something else my blog readers do not need to see.