“What do you think I would give at this moment…

…If you’d stay I’d subtract twenty years from my life
I’d fall down on my knees
and kiss the ground that you walk on
If I could just hold you again …”
-At This Moment, by Billy Vera & the Beaters.

Hello there, faithful blog readers. I’m back.

Not much went on today, dammit. My back pain is all but gone and forgotten, thank the gods.

On the romantic front, nothing is going on. I’m doing well, except for the occasional relapse, one of which I had today. It was small, sure, but it was there.

This is really a strange place, this world is. How is it that we can be so very sure about something one day, and then the next, the reality is shattered?

I just don’t get it. Seems to me that a feeling that strong should still be going strong.

I haven’t called him in ages. I want to, but something tells me I shouldn’t. I mean, damn, even if I hadn’t had my eye on him, I’d want to call him, because he was a good friend. Same goes with my other friends. I would love to call them, but something is telling me not to. I don’t know what. It almost feels like they have just forgotten about me, and that I should just stay in their pasts.

But that’s stupid. As strange as the world is, they wouldn’t go from being some of my best friends on earth to wanting me out of their life and their thoughts.

Speaking of that, my undying curiosity would like to know how he is doing in the romance area, even though the .0001% of my brain that controls logic knows that it is none of my business.

And no, it would not be so I could nurture more surrealistic,  stupid thoughts about how we could still be together either. It’s just… a tiny part of me feels like I can’t really let go until I hear something of his romantic welfare.

It’s just… damn.

I almost feel like I cannot be sure of anything;  I was so very sure that we would last forever, I’d have bet my life on it. I’m afraid to be sure of anything. I always have been. That was one of my problems with Jacob. He knew where he wanted to be in life, and he knew what he wanted (even if he hadn’t yet acquired the means to get it), and I was a free spirit. I didn’t know what I wanted for the future; it was like I didn’t want to say anything, for fear that it wouldn’t be the right answer.

Even though there are no wrong answers.

Still, I am apprehensive about being sure of myself, because it seems like every time I am certain about something, I end up being wrong. Much like when I decide to be optimistic for once; such was the case with him. I generally doom things like that because they seem too good to be true.

That time, I thought that maybe the reason I failed all the time was because I didn’t believe in anything; nothing had hope. So, I took a chance and believed that he might be the one, and look what fucking happened. How can I possibly keep being hopeful and optimistic when BS like that happens?

And, you can say “Well you’ve just got to” all you want; bloody lot of good it’ll do you. That’s like asking why the sun rises and falls and being told “It just does.”. Think of it logically. If, every time you believe something, and the opposite happens, what are you going to do? You’re going to start expecting the opposite, because the first thing hardly ever happens. It might not be the right thing, it might even be pretty stupid; but still, that’s how I imagine the average human is going to think. Although, I can’t say I’m a good example for the average, normal human being. 😛

Still. There are times when I am fine and wonder why I ever thought I needed someone in my life, but there are other times when it feels like I’m going to go insane, although they are few and farbetween anymore.

Still. I wish I could get some casual dates, just to keep my mind off things, and maybe find someone in the process.

So that means if you know any single males forty years of age or younger within 50 miles of Clear Lake, IA, you are obliged to introduce us. 😄

Still. I can’t help but feel a wave of jealousy when I see a happy couple together, or when I hear about how great Vanessa and her man have it. It’s like, Oh, thanks for rubbing it in, Hand Lotion. 😛

Even though I know that having someone doesn’t all of a sudden fill the world with sunshine and roses; it seems like it would make the difficult things in life a little easier to bear for both parties involved. So, it’s a win-win situation.

At least that’s what my twisted logic has to say on the matter.

Anyway, I should probably be ending the entry. I’m only going to be up for a little while longer, until the drowsiness factor from my muscle relaxant kicks in, then it’ll be off to bed.

I miss having people read my blog… I don’t write these entirely for my health, you know. 😉

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2 thoughts on ““What do you think I would give at this moment…

  1. Read this: “He’s just not that into you The no-excuses truth to understanding guys.” (by Greg Behrendt). It sounds like a complete downer, but it is fuckin hilarious, I promise. Really, I wish I had read it when I was 12. (ok–so I listened to the audiobook). Of course, if I had this advise then, none of my kids would exist. Hang in there. It will get better.

  2. Its not always easier for both parties;when m mom had that stroke, John didn’t become the over supportive person that i would have had it happened to his mother; he grew more distant, didn’t know what to say to make me feel better, so he chose to say very little.

    I got so angry at him at the time, lol. We talked a bit about it though.

    Things can be harder now and then with two people and thats just all there is to it.

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