I have no heart, I’m cold inside, I have no real intent…

-Queen, “Save Me”.

I was trying to be your friend…..

I seem to remember, during that what, two weeks we ‘dated’ you saying “What? Are you afraid I’ll go back to her?”

I should have been.

And… I am really sorry I didn’t listen to people then. We honestly thought it was over. Yes, I should have waited. And I’m sorry for that, alright? I really am.

But.. you know….if you wanted to quit being friends with me, you should have said something.

Maybe you should be man enough to tell me these things to my face instead of complaining to your wifey and letting her bitch at me through the internet. And writing this blog isn’t a great example of that, except I know she thinks she needs to police it in case I write something about her marriage.

So, fine. I won’t be his friend; you can celebrate, because you’ve won. I won’t even look at him because I’m sure there is some fucked up Christian ideal about looking at thy neighbor’s husband too.

Besides… truthfully, it’s been hard for me to tell myself that he’s just a friend… so… I didn’t want to have to do this, but I might end up just ignoring him completely; I’m not sure I can be just his friend, even though I’ve tried.

I’m just sorry for the whole thing. You know that saying that says “Better to have loved and lost than never loved at all?”

It’s fucking wrong.

I wish I’d never met Chad, then none of this shit would be going on and I wouldn’t be pissing so many people off. I’m a defensive person, if you haven’t realized, and this can make me just spout off angry jibberish at people without thinking about it.

Which is no excuse.

I’ll just come outright and say it.

I’m a pathetic, good for nothing scum of the earth, okay? I have no worth! If I died tomorrow, I doubt many people would miss me, really. So, you do deserve him, then, if  you’re worth anything at all compared to me, which… it’s not hard to surpass my worth in the world. I’m worthless, okay. So go ahead and ignore me. I’m fine with that. I could just pass quietly into the shadows, and nobody would notice anything, except how great the world is now that they’re not forced to be in contact with me.

I’m just sorry I didn’t realize how worthless I was before. I would saved you so much crap, it’s not like you need it.

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5 thoughts on “I have no heart, I’m cold inside, I have no real intent…

  1. This is Vanessa. The following is MY OPINION and Melody might not even want me to post this, but I will, she deserves backing up here. I’ll even post it on fucking Myspace. This has gone on long enough.

    Ya know what? Melody,You are worth more than you realize. I hope Chad and people backing him up read the following and feel free to email me.
    Chad, YOU were more experienced and I feel you need to take responsibility for your actions, and admit you acted like an asshole. Now, how do I put this? You went back to the chick who wasn’t sure she wanted you back, as I heard you say one time, and I feel, personally, that you used my friend to fill some need during a rough time of marriage. You didn’t have the guts to tell her what was going on and you THEN wondered why she was “constantly” calling you? If you had just given her an answer, and acted like a man, this would have been easier. You should have let her know what was going on at the time. You owed her an answer. you don’t just start a relationship with someone and then ignore her. I even recall the day you were flirting with that other Melody IN FRONT OF HER. You expected her to be hunky dory and happy after that? You didn’t consider you were taking a person with feelings and emotions into you hands?

    Ellen, I’m sure this is hard for you too, but you also need to realize that your husband is as much to blame, if not a little more, than Melody. She didn’t start a relationship with an older experienced man BY HERSELF.

    Yeah, I do wish all of you the best. I hope your marriage works out and I hope Melody finds someone who is honest, and treats her better.

  2. Vanessa, I don’t believe Melody is worthless either. One of the reasons I don’t like her, though, is because in the beginning when he started holding her hand the day after he asked me for a divorce, (not after FILING for divorce, which never happened, the day after ASKING for divorce, when we were still living together) I personally e-mailed her and asked her to back off. I told her outright that I would fight for him and that there was a good chance we would work things out eventually. I asked Jenny to let her know she should back off. I did it as much for her own good as for my own reasons, because I knew why he would be turning to her (NOT because he was in love with her, because he needed comfort and sympathy, which she was willing to give). Her response to me was that she would do as she pleased. She may not have entered into the relationship on her own, but she is responsible for her own actions, and I’m willing to bet I wasn’t the only one who warned her to stay away. Therefore, her own stubbornness and pride and apparent instant hatred of me for the one side of the story she knew is her own undoing. The reason I continue to warn her away from my husband is because I know for a fact she will not be able to be “just friends” with him. It is utterly impossible. And its not that I don’t trust my husband around her. It’s that I understand the emotions that go along with this sort of thing. She cannot possibly look in his face and see just a friend, not now. They could be civil to each other, or ignore each other, but true friend ain’t in the cards. Not when you think about what a friend would or would not do. Melody should find someone who is completely available to her and does not have so much baggage. If there is a wife or a girlfriend telling you a man is not available, no matter what HE says, he’s not available. He still has stuff to deal with. Tell him to call you when his divorce has been finalized for at least six months. Also, if a man complains incessantly about his mother, his wife, or his girlfriend, that would be another red flag. Melody, I hope you will take care of yourself and focus on what you need to do for your own life. Quite possibly, when you’re not even thinking about it, the right man will show up when you are going about your own business. You will have more friends in general though, if you keep their business out of your blog. At least ask first. Think about it. If you tell a friend something in confidence, do you expect to read about it the next day in their public blog?

  3. I don’t mean this to sound bitchy, but I have written about every single other of my friends that have internet access, and this is the first time it has been a problem.
    Ask Vanessa.
    And personally… I don’t give a shit what people write about me, I really don’t. If I absolutely don’t want something about me getting out, I don’t effing tell people…

  4. i should be able to tell my friends things with out it being publicly posted for the whole world to see, I’m mad at you Mel, cause you had not right to put what i told you in confidence on the internet.you’ve broken my trust, and for the record, I’m not turning anyone against you
    we weren’t hiding upstairs.we were just hanging out

  5. I really, really hope that is true Chad.

    Ellen-Melody knows I warned her and yeah, it was her own actions as well, but if you recall, she said that already. It just bugs me that I have not seen or ever heard Chad own up to his part. While I KNOW she dated him too (well..yeah..lol) I do think he should not have turned toward her and put her in such a position. I agree that being “just friends” would be damn near impossible too..you get emotional attachments to people who ya fell for. It sucks and its HARD.

    I don’t think she “hated” you off the bat, (or if she even does) but if she did, it might have had to do with what was being said about you to her at the time.

    Melody, ya know you have a friend who will always understand that mistakes get made, and still be there for you.

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