Till now, I always got by on my own, I never really cared until I met you….

And now it chills me to the bone
How do I get you alone
How do I get you alone
-“Alone”, by Heart.


I’m back. This time from a computer lab at school, because of the fact that my parents put a password on the home computers. Today’s entry finds me a little bit depressed, actually. There is this guy which I met online. I know, not exactly the best line to start this out… but it’s the one I’ll be using. So anyhoo.

There is this guy that I met online through a singles site I actually got an ad for through my e-mail. Nine times out of ten, I delete junk e-mails like that without thinking twice. But, because of my boredom, I decided, what the fuck, let’s check it out. So I did. If you have a free account, you can send ‘flirts’ to people… and even if one has a paying account they can do this. I got one from this really cute (well, cute in my eyes anyway) guy… and from there… yeah….

Just recently I’ve actually started talking to him on the phone… I feel like such an idiot because I don’t know what to say on the phone… It’s really frustrating. I find myself just rambling about random small talk things, and I just get so embarassed.

And.. it does NOT help that he works a freaking full time job, AND goes to school full time. Between work, school, and his kids, it seems like he barely has time to sleep, let alone do anything else…. And I know somebody is going to be in here saying I deserve someone who isn’t so busy, blah blah blah… I’ve been extremely patient with this guy and I will continue to be patient until I actually meet him face to face.

It’s so strange. We go to the same school, and haven’t seen each other yet. That would be due to conveniently placed breaks that never happen at the same time… It’s just that I want to meet this guy so bad, I could freaking SCREAM…

It’s just so hard being patient… I want to meet him now! I mean, if it were me, I’d be like EFF SCHOOL! I’ll skip class just to meet you. I mean, even five freaking minutes before class, is that so GOD DAMN much to ask for?

It’s just that… when something takes so very long to wait for, you begin to wonder if it’s ever going to happen at all… I don’t want this to turn out like my fiasco with Jacob… talking on the phone for hours and hours over months and months…. seeming like I’ll never meet him.. then finally we meet, and then I don’t hear from him for over a year….

I have absolutely no reason to believe that the stuff with this guy will be anywhere near as much of a disaster as Jacob was, but trust my mind to go straight to the pessimistic option, even though I know it’s not true.

Even though I know, I still wonder. Is that normal? I know it won’t happen, yet I keep second guessing myself? I wish I didn’t do that so much.

And really, the power could be in my hands. I could say, I have the power. Not other people, me… and yet I still don’t believe it, not really. I mean I do, and I don’t. It’s strange. I really hate the clash of beliefs that I find I have sometimes….

It’s just… AHH! To want something so bad and know you’ll have to wait for a while until it happens is just frustrating, not to mean depressing…. But you have heard more than enough of how I get when I’m depressed so I’ll spare you and end the entry.


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