You used to be a mean kid, making such a deal of life, you were wishing and hoping and waiting to really hit the big time…

….But did it happen, happen, no
You’re speeding too fast
Slow down, slow down
You’d better slow down
Slow down…..
“Cool Cat”, written by Freddie Mercury and John Deacon, recorded by Queen.

I’ve reached an epiphany, through the strangest of ways.

Let me explain.

From what you knew of me when I last wrote, I was still working at Kraft through the temp agency, but no longer. They wanted me to operate a machine I did not feel that I was capable of running, at least not with the quality that they need and deserve at a factory job. For safety reasons, I would not do it.

Yes, I caught flack for it, but I made the decision for my own reasons. Not to sit on my ass all day and act like a lazy bum, nor to flex my desire to rebel. None of these stupid, immature things.

I have found another job. My dad told me to sign up with Workforce Development, and they told me to get a login on their job searching site.

I found an opening at Budget Inn, right in town even. I went there yesterday and filled out the application right there in the hotel lobby. The lady at the desk told me that her family owns both that Budged Inn and the Super 8 motel in town. She told me to stop by Super 8 at around 10:30-11am today, because they needed people.

I stopped in this morning, and to my complete and total surprise, they hired me on the spot. I start work next week.

This all sounds fine and dandy, but beware, there is an icy spot in my pleasant summer breeze.

If you read my blog regularly, you may be familiar with the fact that I tried to take Comp & Speech last semester. Once again, I was forced to drop the class.

The teacher verbally abused both myself and my friend on more than one occasion, and it made us downright afraid to come to class. The teacher may have seemed bubbly and nice on the outside, but she was unstable. This is coming from me, the Queen of manic depression, so quite frankly, this is saying something.
I hated dropping the class, but because I was so afraid to face the teacher and show up in class, my grades waved me goodbye as they got on the bus to Hell.

I am going to have to tell my parents tomorrow. They have been unawares, up until now. I keep saying I haven’t checked my grades.

First of all, let me just say that, I know they are going to be mucho angry with me, and I suppose I deserve it. This time is not like all my scholastic escapades before, where I failed or dropped a class due to my sheer laziness and apathy towards school. This was due to me feeling threatened by someone who was supposed to be a teacher and a mentor. I can’t very well learn from someone I am afraid to be around. My friend can even back this up, she has seen it.

It’s not just me conjuring up a faux story out of nowhere to cover my lazy, apathetic ass. She was there, and actually witnessed it. So did the rest of the class. I only know what the teacher said to me, and how she acted towards me. Chances are, myself and my friend are not the only ones who were treated this way.

You may ask why we didn’t come forward earlier, but…the end, who are people most likely to believe? The teacher. Student versus teacher. They’re going to think the college student is making an excuse.

But anyway, back to the real point. My parents will be completely livid, and I will just have to live with that. They’ll guilt trip me, yell angrily, and all the other things that parents do when they are let down, but I’ve finally realised that I can’t be afraid to tell them the truth. It took me this long, but I can’t run from myself anymore, there is nowhere in the world I could hide.

There is a point where one has to decide between acting like a person’s child, and standing up for themselves as an adult.

I know my life is going to get a lot harder. I told the hotel I can work whenever they need me, so I will have a steady flow of income. I am completely prepared to pay my parents back what I owe them and more. I will do whatever it takes to keep this job, even if it means biting my tongue and working every day (every day they need me, anyway).

All I can do now is be honest with them [my parents], tell them why I dropped the class and why I haven’t mustered the courage to tell them until now.

If they take it with a grain of salt, I’ll know why. It’s because of my past. I cannot be surprised that they believe the blame to lie with me. After all of this time with blame for everything resting on my shoulders, it will be a bit hard for them to believe that it wasn’t just me failing again. Just me fucking up again.

It’s so hard for me to tell myself, but the class, it was NOT my fault. It was NOT my fault. It was NOT MY FAULT.

Yes, it’s my fault for not telling my parents before now, but I do NOT need to feel guilty for how inappropriately this teacher treated myself and my friend.

I actually just got back from seeing “Juno” in the theatre with said friend in question, and that was oddly enough how I reached this revelation. We talked for a bit in the car, and we are both finally ready to talk to someone at college about how this teacher treated us. We were both so frightened before, it’s taken this long for us to gather the courage.

And it’s taken me this long to gather the courage to come clean with my parents about this class. I have to stand up for myself now. I can’t be afraid to tell the truth because of the consequences. I can’t, I just can’t. I’ll explode if I try.

I’m doing it tomorrow. I know it will be solely my fault for not coming clean about the class, but I just hope they know and believe the reason I dropped the class, because I am telling the honest truth. If not, let me be electrocuted where I sit, here in front of this computer.

I just want them to know that I am telling the truth, that I am prepared to pay them back every cent I owe, and that I will never, ever do this again. Ever.

I’d rather die, and you know me, Death is really the only thing I fear in my existance. 

If I’m feeling crappy for being who I am, I’ll have to change.


One thought on “You used to be a mean kid, making such a deal of life, you were wishing and hoping and waiting to really hit the big time…

  1. Yeah, my guess is that they will be very angry, especially after hearing”I didn’t check my grades”.

    Its hard for them to believe you, because, if you lied to them before, or covered the truth, or told a half truth, then you destroy the trust and things go to shit.

    Don’t expect them to trust you very soon-you have to earn that.

    You can prevent these sort of screw ups, as you call them. I wouldn’t wen straight into a counselors office, and told them, here is what happened. Chances are, you are not the first nor the last student for this teacher to have been mean to, and why get scared? Its gotta start somewhere, might as well be you.

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