-Duran Duran, “Is there something I should know”.
This is it. IT. I’ve had it. I really have.
Once again, Tim made plans to possibly hang out tonight. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt weather they deserve it or not. In this case, turns out he didn’t. I’ve heard excuses before as to why he was unable to see me. They may well have been feasable reasons, but tonight, I’ve had it. Tim told me yesterday he was free today, and he’d like to see me. I said, sure. I’ve been torked off at him lately because I hardly ever get to talk to or see him, but I went with it. I didn’t want to ruffle any feathers that didn’t need to be ruffled, or something. I’m not sure.
But anyway. So, I’ve been texting him on and off today because the git can’t seem to answer his phone. He’s at the phone to text, so why can’t he just call instead? Or answer his goddam phone? But I digress.
So, I’m watching “Night at the Museam” on HBO, and I pick up my phone to check if he’s texted me, and two seconds later he texts me ‘He’s thinking of me, but he can’t, he doesn’t want to get me sick”.
Now, I don’t know if this is an excuse or a valid reason, because when I talked to him on the phone yesterday, he sounded like Death’s phone operator. Okay, so maybe not that bad, but he did sound like he’d been sick for a bit.
Still. With a couple exceptions, every time we make plans to hang out, he’s got a reason why we can’t. [This same thing happened with Jacob, but since I figured Jacob was a liar, for all I know he could have been lying when he said we couldn’t hang out.]
You heard about some of these things in a previous entry. Bad weather, I have to study, I have homework, I have to get my car’s oil changed, yadda yadda yadda.
Okay, first of all, if you really liked me, and really, truly wanted to see me, you’d skip a bit of homework or studying. If you can always, always pick schoolwork over seeing me, you apparently don’t want to see me badly enough. End of story, thank you, good night.
I understand putting your studies first, I really do, but nobody is that inhuman. Nobody. At least nobody I’ve ever met.
Anyway. Onward to my point. This is the final straw and I’ll tell you why. I am not going to keep trying to make plans with you, and get my hopes up so high, only for you to give me stupid reasons as to why you can’t see me. Is it because 1), you really have other obligations, 2), because you don’t want to hang out but don’t want to be a man and tell me, or 3), is it because there is somebody you don’t want me knowing exists?
Now, if you know me at all, you know my mind will automatically go to the worst option, even if I don’t know if it’s the truth or not. In the past, it turns out the worst option has actually been somewhat justified, both with Jacob and the travesty, sad excuse for a human being that Chad turned out to be. Still. I don’t think it’s really fair to assume the worst with everyone; it’s like I don’t want to let my past experiences taint my future ones.
And, even when I write this now, I don’t know. Tim may be geniunely concerned about getting me sick, I don’t know. Still. I would assume he wouldn’t even make tentative plans if he was that sick.
Honestly. I wanted to believe in him. He is polite and can sometimes be sweet, so I wanted to give him a chance.
But, in addition to texting all the time, yet not talking on the phone much, he has asked on more than one occasion if I will, have intimate relations with him, if you will. Now, I’ve politely turned him down, and he’s of course said stuff like ‘he didn’t want to rush me, he didn’t want to make me uncomfortable’, and all that jazz, but.. he’s a man. Even though they may deny it, most men only think about getting in somebody’s pants. It’s men. It’s in their nature. A good portion of them are driven by getting laid. So, all this may just be a ploy to get an easy lay.
And, I’m sorry. I might be really ugly, and kinda fat, but not even the cow that I am has to put up with that shit.
Even as I type this, I still don’t know for sure. And frankly, even the accused get a chance to defend themselves, so if Tim suddenly realizes he has the balls to call me back after the text and the voice message I left him, I’ll hear him out, but…
It’s as simple as this. I can’t keep trying and trying. I can’t keep being so flexible and accomidating if he can’t return the favor. I’m being so nice and accomidating for him… I offer to drive and meet him, I offer to drive to NIACC just to see him. I do all these things, and he blows me off for schoolwork, or because he’s had a few drinks and doesn’t want to drive?
How can I believe him? Keep in mind, this is speculation, and I will give him a chance to defend himself, but seriously.
I think I’m just going to tell him straight.
You’re not going to get it easy. If I ever give it to you, you’ll have to WORK for it. If you keep needing to put schoolwork and everything else in your life above me, then we’re just going to have to forget it until the summer when you’d have more time, because I will not wait for you forever. Don’t think for one second that I will sit around and wait forever. I have needs too, and if you can’t return me the favor or do the same for me, then to Hell with you. Go find some stupid, floozie bimbo who will give it away, because it will NOT be me. I don’t want to sound pushy, but sometimes, you have to put your friends and possible significant others above schoolwork and such. There are things that are more important than school.
Such as, PEOPLE.
Wake up and smell the coffee, Tim. You’re THIS close to losing me. If you keep pulling this shit, you will lose me. And I won’t look back. I deserve somebody that will actually talk to me, and not just text me all the time. I deserve somebody who will not have sex on their mind 24/7 (it’s rude to ask that when you know me so little, it makes me think that’s all that you want).
I’m sorry. As I said before, I’ll give him a chance to defend himself, but I’m not sure I can continue being blown off like this. I don’t have to stand for it, and I won’t. Not anymore. I won’t be the polite, accomidating kind if you can’t return the favor. Either suck it up, or move on, because you won’t find the wilting flower who will wait around for you here, bud.
“You don’t even know
how to say goodbye
You make me wanna cry…”
‘Cry’ by Godley and Creme.