And I don’t cry for yesterday, there’s an ordinary world, somehow I have to find.. And as I try to make my way to the ordinary world I will learn to survive…

-“Ordinary World”, by Duran Duran.

This is a huge entry, because it encompasses two days’ worth of happenings. ^^;

Fantastic weather we’re having, let me tell you. Lastnight was an awesome night to work, weather-wise… < / sarcasm >

Before I begin my explanation on yesterday, I must say that is a tornado warning siren located literally half a block away from my house, so when the sirens went off yesterday, we could hear it LOUD and clear, believe me. They were still going off at 5:50pm, and I had to work at six. I was going to call the boss lady and ask if it was okay that I was late. I began to ask dad what he thought I should do, but he interrupted me and told me “Yeah, you should go to work”.

Instead of correcting him, I decided not to debate it, and I just got ready for work, saying only “If my arm gets ripped off in a car accident because my car hits the funnel cloud, it’ll be your fault” on the matter. I really thought it probably would have been safer to just wait it out, but at that point I was really in no mood to debate anything. I think I’ve been desensetized to sirens and such, because I almost felt like people were freaking out for no reason, but I know that wasn’t the case.

The drive to work was quite interesting. The sky was very omnious looking, upsetting my calm demeanor. I was more nervous with each passing tree, but there was nothing I could really do but suck it up and go. Instead of describing it, I’ll show you, as my half busted digital camera came along for the ride.

As unsettling as these clouds were, once I was at work, I was surprisingly calm. Perhaps it was the fact that I was off the road.. It could have been that I knew there was a nice safe basement to go into, should the weather deteriorate further. Whatever the reason, I was not freaked out at all.

As is the case on nights where PM Park has a wedding, the work night started out quite slowly. The tornado sirens were still going off, indicating that the tornado warning for our county was still quite active. The radio in the kitchen confirmed that the tornado warning that was supposed to end at 6:30 was being extended until 7.  A few of the servers were getting very riled up and nervous, yet I kept my cool. 

Considering how paranoid and nervous a creature I usually am, I was actually quite surprised that I was not freaking out. I said to myself “You know, what happens, happens. Having a panic attack will not part the clouds and bring the sun out. Getting bent out of shape because I don’t know what’s going to happen is not going to help at all, so why do it?”.

The tornado warning was allowed to expire at 7, and work picked up. I can’t help feeling that I’ve got a sick psyche, because I actually almost wished that the weather had been worse than it actually was, almost as if I wanted to see something happen. It’s awful of me, and truthfully I would never want anybody in harm’s way just to see one of my sick mental pictures brought to life, but it didn’t stop my innate desire for excitement of some kind. {Speaking of sick desires, I’ve lately startled myself with how often the image of losing a limb presents itself in my mind, but more on that later.}

The weather took a surprisingly good turn after a bit, although the sky was first an unnatural yellow. As sunset came on, the color of the sky was still a bizarre orange. I managed to get away from the dish sanitizing machine long enough to snap this picture through the window.

Work really went off without a hitch after that. I was a little swamped at a few points, but I handled it just fine. As silly and obsessive as this sounds, if I’m having a hard point in the day, I tell myself something to the effect of “If Rick Allen can get through losing a goddam arm in a car accident, I can handle this”. It might seem really silly, but quite frankly, I take inspiration wherever or however I find it, and that was one way to keep my spirits up.

Anyway, I was out of there earlier than the last time I worked a night (even though this wedding was considerably larger than last time)… I was up for an hour or two after I got home because I had to wind down a bit.

Then, there was more of this stormy weather I love so much. With the exception of a few quiet bursts, the thunder and lightning pretty much went on all night. I had a few weird dreams, but I don’t remember them. I think during a few, I was probably half awake. The line between sleeping/lying awake was not as black/white as it usually is, I think.

As a result of this sporadic dozing off and waking up, I was awoken from a dead sleep at about 7:30am this morning. I remember yelling “SCREW WORK” when my mother yelled at me from downstairs. I probably laid in bed for another ten minutes. I had just enough time to get dressed and grab some breakfast before my brother and I had to be at work.

For the first half an hour, I’d say, I was quite grumpy indeed. It was partly due to having such a bad nights’ sleep, and partly because my windsheild wipers quit working on me. Luckily, it wasn’t raining very hard at that point this morning.

Anyway, my mood soon improved, even to the point where my brother and I were throwing soap suds at each other (working with my brother generally has that effect on me).

I wasn’t really aware that anything was really wrong outside. It was almost very nice outside before the sky got grey. I wasn’t aware that it was raining, though, until one of the cooks had to take out the garbage or something.

The trip home was certainly a trip, let me tell you. I tried and failed to get my windsheld wipers going, so for about two miles, I had only the very sketchy, barely visible yellow center line and my brother with his head out the window as navigation tools. I had my bright headlights on, figuring that, if I can’t see, at least I can make myself extremely visible. After a couple miles, I pulled over in the parking lot of this assisted living center probably only a mile or so from home. I would have just tried to make it home, but at this point, I was having trouble staying centered in my lane and thought pulling over was a better option.

So my brother dashes in to use their phone. Meanwhile, I turned the wipers on to full blast (they didn’t budge), so I was outside trying to get the wipers to move. I’d get them to move up about 90 degrees, but they would always, every time, get stuck trying to come back down. I was nice and soaked by the time I realized that my attempts were futile.

My dad ended up driving our van there. He told my brother to drive home in that, and dad and I drove home in my car. Dad had his head stuck out the window for most of that mile home.

When I got home, I found out there was some water in our basement. Probably only an inch or two, but it’s still not a sight I’m used to seeing, as it’s the first time in my awareness that there’s been stagnant water in our basement.

I overheard that there are some bridges out and roads closed due to flooding, and there have been some people (not sure in which town) evacuated.

I’m sorry, but I do not think this is solely because we are in flood season. There is something about our climate that is seriously fucked up. Still. I can really do nothing else at the moment but hope that things don’t get any worse.

Anyway. Earlier, I mentioned sick desires. Well.
Let me tell a bit of a backstory. I enjoy watching the Discovery channel, and reading Discovery channel and like subject stories and such on the internet. Well. Some time ago, I saw this news segment that covered a strange group of people. People with an obsessive desire to be an amputee, aka not feeling complete until they’ve lost a limb. My recent obsession with Def Leppard’s one armed drummer kind of awoke a dormant feeling in me, if you will. While I have been known to be a little obsessive in the past, this is not of the type of light, airy thought that usually occurs with my musical infatuations.

Now, jokingly, I’ve said things like “I’d rather get a foot cut off than do such and such”, “I’d rather lose three fingers”, etc.. Now that I think about it, it startles me how often I’ve thought about amputation. Before I sort of wrote it off, but now.. it’s strange.

I realize that it’s not pleasant to go through such trauma as to have a limb amputated, whether uncontrollably (as in an accident), or of necessity, medically (gangrene, infection, etc).

Which is never to say that I’d attempt anything or purposely put myself in harm’s way to try to lose an arm or a leg, but it is a little strange to think that I’d look upon losing a limb as something positive.

It wouldn’t be positive, and it certainly wouldn’t make me a famous hero, or an amazing person full of perserverance (Which is what light I hold Rick Allen in at the moment.)..

It would only make me the victim of my own sick mind. Not to mention, it wouldn’t be a concept you would be able to explain to most people. ‘Yeah, I really wanted to lose an arm so I purposely went out and crashed my car/jumped off the roof of my house/tried to hack off my arm/etc’.

No. I’ve got to be thankful that I am actually whole (my body is anyway, there are pieces of my mind missing.. ^^; ). These thoughts are never going to be something that I act on, EVER, but the fact that my mind is even entertaining the idea is a little strange.

In other news, I have my follow up doctor’s appointment tomorrow morning. Overall, things have been better, but some things are still there.

It all depends on what the results from my tests were, and what advice the doctor has for me. My problems could just be that the medications I was given are not up to their full potential yet, as it can take a bit of time for these things to start working. At least they are better though.

This entry is plenty long, so for now I will stop rambling.

 

 

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One thought on “And I don’t cry for yesterday, there’s an ordinary world, somehow I have to find.. And as I try to make my way to the ordinary world I will learn to survive…

  1. I was at Johns parents house. We went to visit my parents and about the time we were gonna go out to eat, sirens went off. then they went off again. We turned on the news and tornadoes were touching down 4 miles from Manly. So they were saying to go downstairs…hide…

    We went to the basement and hid out for a bit.. The power went out while down there. I was nervous but kinda calm about stuff. .Mason city, I’m sure you know, had a curfew and sewage water was coming up through my aunts neighbors toilets and sinks.

    I’ve wondered how it would affect my life and others in my life if something had happened like,losing my leg and having to have a prosthetic. I remember reading that rick wanted to wear a fake arm and stick a cigarette there, b/c people were always asking about the accident. he wanted to be like “what accident? There was no such thing!”

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