I wanna cry but I breathe a sigh…

-Def Leppard, “Breathe a Sigh”.

So, as you may or may not know I had to work today. As usual, it was slow as hell. I had a wicked sense of deja vu today, because the start was eerily like last Friday. I had to break down some cardboard boxes to take out the recycle bin, and I had to, once again, cut the fat off five huge hunks of pork tenderloin (the exact same amount I had to mess with last Friday). I also got to check the lake shore by the restaurant for garbage. Luckly it was pretty clean trash wise (I found a sandle, a crushed empty can of Bud Lite, and two empty plastic beer bottles). Messing with the pork was around, I wanna say 11:30. I got these horrid gut wrenching cramps.

Frankly, I’ve had to deal with this demon once a month since I was in the 6th grade. In almost ten years, I can only remember having worse cramps maybe twice.

In addition, my allergy medication was kind of making me dizzy (it warns on the package it may cause dizziness). On top of the fact that I slept like crap lastnight. I was up for at least three (probably more) hours with cramps, in addition to waking up every hour or two when I actually could sleep. It was great. Let me tell you.

Around noon, I was about ready to drown myself in some dirty dishwater. If I hadn’t been recruited to help cut fat off the tenderloins, I wouldn’t have had any dishes accumulated, so we weren’t getting much business, as usual. I asked the boss lady if she knew how long I was supposed to be there because I wasn’t feeling very well and I was having unbearable cramps. I didn’t lie either because at that point the cramps hurt so bad I was actually having trouble having a conversation without wanting to yell out in pain.

She let me go home at noon. I don’t feel that bad about it because I earned fifty bucks on Thursday for five hours of work (hotel cleaning), and I earned almost thirty today for four hours of work as a dishwasher. Not that big of a hit.

Believe me. I need the money, I would have stayed if the pain had been something I could handle. Like at first, I was a little uncomfortable but I could still handle it. I had hoped it wouldn’t get worse, and I had taken tylenol only three hours earlier so I was a bit confused as to why I was getting cramps at all.

But yeah. I got home and watched tv for a couple hours. I popped in my dvd of Def Leppard videos intending to watch my favorites from it (Photograph, Love Bites, Two Steps Behind, Have You Ever Needed Someone So Bad, When Love and Hate Collide,  Slang), but I decided to watch Pour Some Sugar On Me instead. After that video was over, a sudden wave of inspiration struck.

I walked to Econo Foods to get some batteries for my digital camera, then I walked to the library to turn in a couple dvds I checked out, and to look up a book that want [I’d have to inter library loan it again.. Goddamit Dougal your stupid book about Moonie is going to cost me 30 bucks on amazon.com if I want to get it, you ass. 😉 I’d have gotten it on eBay but I couldn’t find it.]

With the exception of my last Municipal band practice (I’ve been calling it community band but it’s actually called municipal band) that’s pretty much all I’ve done. Our last two concerts for this year are tomorrow and Sunday. I’m kind of sad. Not because band is ending, but because I will no longer have an excuse to leave work early on Sundays. xP

Speaking of band, the director is full of shit. That BS about not having me sing to give other people in the community a chance to perform, well I hate to break it to you, but this year, all the vocalists except ONE are people who sang before, some more than once.

I’d really like to confront the director about it but it wouldn’t accomplish anything but pissing him off and possibly hurting my chances of getting to sing next year. Still.  He could have just told me he didn’t want me to sing this year and I wouldn’t have been bothered quite so much (though I’d still be a little cross).


I got another medical bill today, so I’m almost $1,250 in medical debt. And, I’m not elligable for Title 19 because I’m over 21, and I don’t meet any of the other requirements. And, since I still live at home, I’m going to go out on a limb and say I’m fairly certain I can’t get any financial assistance because my parents make too much money. I mean, never mind the fact that they don’t pay any of my bills. I pay for my medications. I’m paying for gas for my car. I’m making my student loan payments. They’re only letting me stay here because I would be homeless otherwise.

I’m lucky they aren’t going to start charging me rent because then the rut I’m in would be that much deeper.

So, I have to go to workforce development to see if I can get any assistance anyway, but I’m just going to have to tell the medical people that I’m going to pay a minimum $25 a month, because if I can’t get assistance from anywhere, that is the ONLY way I’ll be able to afford to pay my bill. If the medical people don’t like that, tough. That’s the way it is and I will not back down on my position. I’ll tell them it’s their fault for having such a shitty system.

I mentioned my non eligability for Title 19 to my dad and he said we could see how much a health insurance policy for me would be, but that doesn’t matter because I’d still have to pay like $1000 at first anyway.  Besides. I wouldn’t be able to afford it.

I don’t care if I have to go hungry every other day. If I can find an appropriately cheap apartment I am going to move out in the next six months. I will skimp on food if I have to, but I cannot stay living here because 1, it’s driving me nuts, and 2, I’ll have a better chance of getting financial assistance if I live on my own.

Plus, let’s face it. I’m 21 goddam years old. It’s high time I stopped depending on my parents.

On a lighter note, only like 40 days until I see Styx at the Surf Ballroom. I’m going to sing and scream my ass off. I hope I won’t have to work on August 29th (which is a Friday). If I do it’ll have to be during the day because I am NOT NOT NOT going to miss that concert.

Okay, jumping around a bit, I browsed some classified ads for apartments for rent and whether I’m in Clear Lake or Mason City I’m going to end up paying 250-400 bucks a month for rent. Which means if I saved up 3000 bucks with food, student loan payments, and shit I’d only be able to afford about six months (going on the assumption that rent is 300 a month).

I hope I can get another job once the season at PM Park is over (in approx. two and a half months).

Let’s do some hypothetical estimating. If I work three days a week, an average of six hours a day. At $7.25 an hour that’d be 135 bucks a week. If I estimate that I’ll have ten more weeks of work, with the 160 already in savings, I’d only have about 1500 bucks. Only about half of the minimum amount I want to have before I move out. Although I’m not counting having to pay for my medications again, the 25 a month for the medical bill…

Maybe I can pester the boss into letting me work at her other restaurant… Or maybe I can ask about a hotel housekeeping job at Hanford Inn (I think they tried to call me but I had already gotten the PM Park job).

I wish I owned something of value so I could sell it. I wonder how much my beanie baby bear collection is worth. That’s really the only thing I can think of that would even have a tiny sliver of a chance of being sold somewhere.

Okay. Wow. I’m going to stop rambling now and go to bed. I have to work at 8am tomorrow.


2 thoughts on “I wanna cry but I breathe a sigh…

  1. I hate to say this but getting another job is really your only option-or, going back to school for a career. But i did that and look where I am. I am so broke from my bills every month-I just tell myself that this is normal for someone in their 20’s. ‘Cuz it is.

    But..why are you going for title 19 in the first place, I’m confused? Why do you need assistance?

  2. I can’t get any good assistance for anything including school unless I move out. And I just need to move out anyway. I can’t keep living in my parents’ house forever.
    In all actuality if I don’t have enough money to move out in the next 6 months, it won’t kill me. I just thought it’d be a good starting goal.

    I need medical assistance because I don’t have health insurance, and I can’t afford to pay the FULL price any time I need to see a doctor for anything. I can’t get Title 19 anyway because even if I was the right age my parents make too much.. The only thing they could find that I would be eligable for is birth control.

    But like, seriously. If I was lifting something at work and I hurt my back like I did at the hotel, that would cost me a fortune since I wouldn’t have workman’s comp to pay for it.

    And. Don’t worry. I don’t think for a minute that working at PM Park is going to earn me all the money I need… I’m going to start looking for another job next month because PM Park will guarantee me work till the beginning of September at the very least but of course I want to be looking before the season ends.
    I’d look now but from what I’ve heard from other jobs, the weekend is when they need people most, and that’s when I work at PM Park all day, so I’m not sure an employer would want to hire someone who would only be able to work on a place’s slowest days… But then again what do I know?
    I might call up Hanford Inn because I think they might have called me for an interview or something if I hadn’t told the old lady that called the house that I’d already found a job.
    That was kinda before I woke up, and when I thought “I found a job, that’s enough”.
    It’s crazy how much I’ve woken up to in the past month job wise.

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