Shades of grey wherever I go…

-“Shades of Gray”, by Billy Joel.

This day has been really bizarre. I’m not sure how to explain… It’s been cold and rainy all day. Honestly, when I first woke up around 8:30 or 9am and looked out the window, it looked exactly the same out then as it does now. That has given today the odd feeling of as if it happened all in one singular moment.

Another thing I’m not sure of is exactly why I wanted to write a blog today, as nothing eventful has happened. The only thing of any substance that will happen today is me going to work, and seeing as it’s a Tuesday night [and the weather is dreadful], I hardly expect what is mainly a bar to be very busy, which means I’ll probably only be at work for little over three hours.

Three measly hours, yet I still dread going. Probably on account of the awful day I had at work on Friday night. On that note, Saturday night (working at PM Park) went great. Most of the time we were there had my co-workers listening to Def Leppard whether they wanted to or not.

Anyway. Back to the short work shifts business. When business at PM Park was at its height (rather, the closest PM Park got to one this year), I was regularly working 8 hours without even so much as batting an eyelash. I really hope I don’t fall back into my Arby’s mentality; feeling like a three hour work shift was the end of the world.

At that, I already know that I need to look for another job, but I can’t very well do that right now, my car is in the shop, with my rear brakes needing new brake pads (hence the horrible screeching sound they’d been making). With my mother’s car needing to be in her posession and myself not being able to drive dad’s truck (and, it’s having battery problems at the moment), that leaves one extra vehicle and I can’t very well be gallavanting off in it all day.

Is me needing a[nother] job a serious issue? Perhaps not as serious as it would be if I wasn’t employed at the Colony, but it is still an important issue that warrants my concern.

I just don’t understand how I’m going to save up money. I’ve got a 50 dollar student loan payment I have to make every month. There’s gas in my car (when I get it back, anyway), and apparently, I still have a medical bill close to 300 dollars, thanks to the Radiologists of North Iowa, an employee of which gave me a call today.

I hung up on them. I can’t recall them sending a bill out to our house, although I’m guessing they have before, seeing as they resorted to calling me. Well, if I’d have thought of it before I hung up the phone, I’d have told them to send another bill to the house.

That doesn’t change the fact that I can’t afford to pay that. I don’t have much in the bank, having been forced on a couple of occasions to take money out to pay for the student loan bill and gas for the car.

Still. Next time they call (and there will most likely be a next time) I’m telling them to send the bill to my house, because honestly, what good is it for them to call the house, considering I have no credit or debit card and no means of paying over the phone, nor would I give them said info if I had that option. I’ll ask that they send another bill home and I’ll worry about possible financial aid from there. I’m thinking, if I was able to get a different bill completely excused, I might be able to work said magic on this one. Or, at least get part of it taken off.

All of that makes me getting another job (or getting more hours) much more paramount. It’s strange; I have to work to be able to afford the gas to GET to work.

I’d call my boss about getting more hours but she rarely answers her phone. If I manage to see her tonight at work, I’ll ask about getting any possible extra hours. Because honestly, working six days a week is not that hard when your shift is barely four hours long.

Does that eliminate the need for me to find another job? No. But it would help a little.

It’s just that, with the job thing, it goes back to not having experience in anything, and not being able to get experience, so that the cycle of not being able to get a job just keeps going.  I’ve browsed the classifieds lately, and there is literally nothing open that I’m qualified for (and I even checked the sections I don’t like, such as retail).

So I’m a bit gloomy, and I would be even if today hadn’t been as dreary and gray as it ended up. 

Still. I do have a bit of hope. I don’t know why, but I do. There’s bound to be something somewhere. I think I’ll come up with a list of places I can apply to online, so I can at least do something if I can’t get out and physically ask for applications.

I can be thankful that I do at least have a part time job. I honestly don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have PM Park/The Colony. Sure, I’m currently not that great off money wise, but I’d be even worse off without that.

I apologize for all the financial rambling, because once I look back, I’ve been through it before and gotten advice on what to do about it before, but it’s on my mind a lot, hence its presence here.  I basically know what I have to do, it’s just actually getting started and doing it that is proving to be a slight problem.

Anyway, on a lighter note, my 22nd birthday is in just two days, and my family is celebrating tomorrow [I have to work on Thursday night, which is my birthday]. I was given one gift early, 20 dollars in gift cards to a second hand store I go to a lot. For dinner, the family is going out to eat, where, I haven’t yet decided, although I’m leaning towards either Plaza Mexico or Carlos O’Kelly’s (two places we haven’t been to in ages). It’s not that I’m craving Mexican food or anything, I just thought of two places we hadn’t been in a while. I first thought of Applebees or Papa’s American Cafe, but the last few times we’ve gone out to eat (at real sit down restaurants), it’s been one of those two places. From what I remember anyway.

I can’t think of anything else that’s going to happen, other than opening a few presents and having cake and ice cream. I want to save at least one gift to open on my real birthday.

Still, man. I like having birthdays, but from henceforth I will no longer enjoy getting older. I want to stay 21 forever, thank you. I don’t want to get old. It’s strange, really. I fear death, yet I don’t want to get old. In fact, my fear of getting old is only second to my fear of right out death. And Vanessa didn’t help my paranoia when she reminded me that, when she turns 24, she’ll be close to having 1/4 of her life over with already.

I see older people, in their like 60s, and I just sit there, wondering why they aren’t worried that they’ll just kiel over dead any minute; I am scared enough of the idea of death at my current age, if it keeps on going, I won’t get to my 60s because the stress of worrying about death will have killed me before hand. How that’s for an ironic death? xD

Anyway, despite how old I feel sometimes, I am still young. I have a lot of years ahead of me. I’ve started making healthier choices and being a bit more active; while it’s not where I’d like it to eventually be, I feel better than if I wasn’t doing anything at all.

I just need to keep reminding myself that it might be annoying and inconvenient now, but it will pay off in the long run. And being healthier will mean that my fear of death will be kept at bay for a lot longer.

Hell. If I really got my rear in gear, at 50 I could still look like I’m in my 20s, like a certain guitarist who would be the second from the left in this picture.

I MEAN FOR FUCK’S SAKE. The man is FIFTY! I know he works out a lot but shit dude, you’ve got to be blessed with some great genes to look that good at fifty.

On the subject of looking good, pay attention to the cutie patootie in the middle. 😛

As they always say, save a drum, bang a drummer. xD

I apologize for the change of personality; seeing as it’s that time of the month, I’m switching between angry/depressed/happy a lot faster than I normally do.

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One thought on “Shades of grey wherever I go…

  1. They don’t worry about keiling over and dieing b/c thats no way to live, lol!

    Well, yeah, like I said on the phone, if you really need another job, it being some sort of retail will just kinda…have to happen…

    It sucks but you’ll get over it.

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