-“Throwing it all away” by Genesis.
Well kiddos, if you’re wondering if any of my sanity has returned to me since my last entry, don’t worry, because it hasn’t. If anything I’m losing more of it, which is pretty funny since I didn’t think I had any left to lose.
Seeing as my parents have asked that I stay off our only working computer, I am thusly confined to the ones at the library. Which made loading the crapton of pictures off my camera a lot of fun. They wouldn’t even all fit on one flash drive. And it’s not like I can edit them, because for one, I’m in a public place with a gigantic computer screen and I’d rather not have old stupid people looking over my shoulder (gee, could you tell what was happening when I wrote that) , and two, I don’t have the program I need to edit pictures. Well. I do, it’s on the smaller flash drive, but I probably shouldn’t mess with putting strange programs on public computers anyway.
So, as it is, as soon as I’ve checked email, myspace, and facebook, I’m rather left with nothing to do, yet not wanting to return home.
I mean, it’s not as if I’ve been going insane enough, but now one of my favorite creative outlets is gone. I do still have my sketchbook at home, though. I just finished one drawing… I might have to force myself to do a few more so I’ll have something to do at home, and if I stay after work to have a drink or two, I want something to keep myself occupied should my co workers give off the “stay the fuck away from me if you value your life” vibe that I was getting at work on Tuesday. Fun fun fun I tell you.
I was a bit apprehensive about going to work anyway, for reasons I’m not even sure of myself, but once I got there the mood did not improve. It was the singular most boring, slow work day I’ve ever worked at the Colony, or PM Park, put together. And my PM Park days were eight hours long.
We all have our moods. Sometimes they’re good. Sometimes they’re bad. Let’s just say the other person in the kitchen was in an extremely bad mood. Well. It might not have been extremely, horribly, terribly bad, but he wasn’t in a people mood. Which, I can’t fault him for that, I get that way a lot too.
And I don’t know if it was just me, but the bad mood was so strong I could literally feel it like heat in the air, and not because it’s the kitchen and I was running back and forth the whole time. It was a different sort of heat. I don’t know.
For whatever reason, this made me want to act happy and peppy to see if I couldn’t cheer people up. Well. It didn’t work. As far as I knew, anyway. I mean, the whole time I was in the kitchen, I just… I don’t know if anyone else has experienced this, but I’ve gotten this thing a few times where I feel like thoughts are so loud in my head that other people could hear them… I’m not sure if it was my imagination or not, but I just kept getting this unmistakable ‘stay the fuck away from me, I’m not in the mood’ thing like, over and over.
Like I said. It could very all well be in my head, but… Let’s just say work wasn’t fun.
I was going to stay after… I spotted this one server lady I get a long with, she was sitting at the bar watching tv, I asked “What’s going on” like a ‘what’s up’ type of thing, and nobody looked up or did anything. They didn’t notice meuntil I started walking to the door and said “And, nobody’s paying attention to me, thanks”.
I didn’t mean to sound mean or anything, I think it was just the fact that the work day was slow as hell, and nobody was in a great mood. And lately there’s been a perpetual knot in my stomach anyway that seems to be clouding a bit of the portion of my brain that usually controls how I act around people.
I’ve just been going all around haywire, I don’t know what to think, or pretty much what to do. Sometimes I feel like a zombie, like my body’s going through all the motions but my mind is someplace else. Where, I haven’t figured out, as far as I know anyway. The answer’s probably someplace in my brain, but who knows how long unti I find out.
Anyway. It’s weird, but I find myself saying, I don’t get to work until so and so, because this is the first job that I haven’t completely hated with all my being at one point. When I first started I wasn’t such a big fan, but I honestly love this job, next to PM Park it’s the best I’ve had. And dammit, I think I like it better than Pm Park even though I don’t get as many hours here. I’d have asked my boss for more if I saw her at all, I don’t see her any except on Fridays and Saturdays if I’m lucky….
In short, I’m not entirely okay and my brain seems to be going through a mid-midlife crisis. It’s frustrating because I know it will end, I just don’t know when. At least I’m going to keep telling myself that.