I don’t wanna live here no more, I don’t wanna stay, Ain’t gonna spend the rest of my life, quietly fading away

-The Alan Parsons Project

Well kids, it’s just shy of half way through January and, while I’ve really tried to work on a couple of the things I mentioned on the first, this is proving to be more difficult than I originally foresaw.

As you may or may not know, on the second of January, I went to visit Vanessa, in Ames. The first night was great. We did a bit of shopping at Sally’s Beauty Supply, the liquor store, and Hy-Vee. We had a few drinks and spent the evening watching Def Leppard dvds, and then looking at Def Leppard pictures on my flash drive. The rest of it kind of all runs together, but I believe the second night, we were watching Michael Jackson videos. We’d both been drinking, I forget how much, and we ended up getting into this big argument about it.

Now, she thinks he did all the child related shit he was accused of, and I don’t. She also has it in her head that he did something to his skin. Some powder on the black market that you put in your bathtub to bleach your skin. Now, I could be wrong, but it sounds like a whole lot of bs to me. Coupled with the fact that, I don’t think Michael Jackson was the real issue, but more on that later. I just got a little annoyed that, because she’s taken medical transcription classes, she thinks she’s got supreme knowledge of the skin disease that Michael Jackson had. Now. I might not have a medical background but I have done a bit of research on it on my own. She did have a point that you don’t get it all over, I’m saying I think he uses makeup to even his skin tone out. But whatever. That ended in her saying something like, at least she passed college, she didn’t flunk out three times.

Not fun.

But the next day was a bit better. Did some shopping. Might have been the day we went to Hot Topic. Can’t remember. Anyhoo. I spent too much there. Got a bunch of random earrings/nose rings, whatever, red sparkly nail polish, and purple fender guitar pick earrings and that all cost me forty bucks. I think I’m leaving something out but I can’t for the life of me remember what. The random earrings alone were 20.

We also rented some dvds, including the ‘Yellow Submarine’ Beatles movie. So that night we got drunk and watched it. It was a good movie, I enjoyed it, but through the entire movie, I had this “WTF” look on my face. It was very random. It’d be a lot to fun to watch on shrooms or lsd or something. xD Or high. I imagine it would be, anyway.

So, that next day wasn’t a whole lot of fun. I volunteered to go to the store for them to get some milk, and a couple of blank tapes (Vanessa wanted to tape Yellow Submarine, and I wanted to tape this Def Leppard dvd she’s got). I ended up using the last 7 dollars I had to my name to do that.

When I got back, I yelled “Honey, I’m home” when I walked in the door, just to be funny, but just about the first thing out of Vanessa’s mouth was “Can you ask us before you eat certain things?” and then launched into a whole speech that ended up making me feel guilty for eating some summer sausage and a can of tuna.

Okay, sure. I should have asked you beforehand. I give you that, but honestly, you can get a can of tuna for 50 cents at the store. Besides, with all the food and shit I brought, I thought I did my part. I brought two steaks, a half bag of chips, a can of pringles, a jar of salsa, candy, at least two things of Ramen, a box of macaroni and cheese, a package of ground turkey, I used most of the Casey’s gift cards I’d gotten for Christmas on buying pizza, I bought two bottles of vodka and two six packs of Hornsby’s hard cider and probably a couple other random things I’m forgetting… so making me feel guilty about eating something that doesn’t even add up to three dollars is a little insane. Just the vodka and the cider alone were worth almost forty dollars.

It wasn’t just that, though. Two of the nights I was there, two thirds of the people in the house had a big argument. This has happened the last two times I’ve stayed over which is making me think it has something to do with me.

Another thing that kinda irked me was.. Okay. A lot of people are under a lot of stress right now. Vanessa’s having trouble finding a job, since the clothing store she worked at closed down. Bills to pay. Frustration. So I can understand being worried and stressed about that, but I felt like she was taking it out on other people (myself, and her boyfriend). Quite frankly I felt like she was having to put me down to build herself up. Sure it sucks you can’t find a job, but always having to have it worse than me or having to always find some way to have it better than me wears down on me after a while. It’s not my goddam fault. And I don’t have it as bad as you, trust me, I know that, but I don’t have to be as bad or worse off than you to tell you to stay positive (the only times I really stay positive are when everyone else is feeling down, weirdly). I’m trying to help. Constantly talking down to me isn’t going to make me want to help out, and using trivial issues as a vessel for more serious shit you want to say or do isn’t going to help.

I was a bit nervous about putting this here because of the people who read it, but it’s not like I’m giving out the secret recipe for like, Bush’s baked beans or something. It’s my damn blog. I’ll write what I want. I don’t hate her or anything, I’m just frustrated. After all, though, we don’ t have very many fights. We barely get into arguments at all. Sometimes I wish we had small fights more often so they wouldn’t balloon up and explode like that.

Over all I had fun, though.

Now that that’s over with. Work has been work. When I’ve gotten to come in, and work has actually been open, that is. Although I just about killed the twit I work with again on Friday. Staying at Vanessa’s meant sleeping on a not very comfortable couch which was all fine and dandy until either the day I got home or the day after, my back started hurting really bad. I’m thinking it’s just because I had to contort myself in all kinds of weird positions on the couch at Vanessa’s. But for about three days, I was hobbled over, absolutely no way to sit, lay down, or do anything felt comfortable, and at a couple of points I considered making a doctor’s appointment, because it was starting to get to the level of pain I was having when I hurt my back working at Heartland Inn two summers ago.

I told you that to tell you this. Friday was the first day I’d been able to walk in a completely upright position, and sit at the table or computer or anywhere without having to shift my weight every ten seconds. I wanted to leave work early because I didn’t want to hurt my back again on the first day in four days that it had been feeling somewhat better. Of course the twit wouldn’t have that. What the manager chick told him was that someone could leave. What he told me was that the manager chick told him HE could leave.

Which is all well and good. I need the money. I also can’t afford to hurt my back again and have to pay for the doctor visit and the muscle relaxant I’d be prescribed.

Whatever, though. Lastnight was better, even though he was still being a tool. I left early, but stayed at the bar to have a few.

Lastnight was one of those, why bother, I’m a bit depressed kind of nights over all. I mean, I had some great laughs with a couple of the cooks that work there, and I wish that kind of euphoric humor could last all night. It was basically another night spent wishing I could think of something intelligent to say. Another night spent wishing that I had the guts to go up and dance, and move the way music makes me want to move. Something in my brain is holding me back from doing a lot of the things I want to do. I want to get up and dance weirdly and not care who sees. I want to have intelligent conversations with people and not worry about what they’ll think of me. I want to not feel so put down by all these gorgeous women that come into the bar. On that note there were a LOT of them. All too drunk to care about how slutty their dancing looked and how much it made me suddenly want to play a very violent video game or kill a cute furry animal or something.

This brings me to the “women worry about the dumbest shit” bit of my previous blog. This is either an insane way to think, or all females are idiots because they think that way. Why do we get so jealous? Was it weird to wish that all the other females in the bar were really ugly so I’d feel better about how I looked? Did I even really need to ask? xP

Because that’s insane. Everyone doesn’t have to be ugly for me to feel good about myself. And I thought I did. I wore a new shirt and jewelry I liked, so I felt good in what I was wearing, and I was hoping that sort of confidence would rub off on people so to speak. It was more of that goddam sit around and wait for people to talk to you, so they don’t type of shit. It’s really frustrating, but it seems I’m unable to do anything about it, because that seems to be the only thing I bitch about in here any more.

Last night was fun, but I’m going to be concentrating on saving up to move out so I can perhaps afford to get some counseling on my social anxiety  (I don’t care if there’s no official diagnosis, I’m about 200% sure I have some form of it that includes social paranoia).

As I mentioned earlier this entry, I am trying to work on the issues I said I was going to, and I suppose I shouldn’t feel too discouraged. After all, it’s not like all my resolutions were magically going to happen right away. It’s going to be a continual effort through the year. So we’ll see if anything has changed by next year.

Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go have some french toast, play some MapleStory, and try to enjoy my Sunday and quit worrying about stupid shit (for now anyway).

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6 thoughts on “I don’t wanna live here no more, I don’t wanna stay, Ain’t gonna spend the rest of my life, quietly fading away

  1. Look, ya know what? I never said I had supreme knowledge. I have MORE knowledge than you, so when you got all fanatical about Micheal Jackson, you freaked out.

    We talked about the food because you inhaled half of the summer sausage that was there, and in case you didn’t know, that was over 10 bucks. The pizza, yeah thanks. I did appreciate that, but you ate half of it. But where was my thanks for the chips, alcohol, pop rocks, movies, the hookah shack,and all the food you inhaled at our home? you spent 40$ of your money at hot topic and then whined about being out of money. All of a sudden your last 7$ became really important but you couldn’t think of the night before when I bought us 3 bags of chips, 1 1/2 of which you ate? You also left part of your Christmas present here, and it took us an HOUR to clean up the mess you left.

    You mentioned your record 3-4 times over the visit, and I told you were they were. Right next to the TV. I watched you whine about getting up to grab your drink 3 feet away. I watched you throw garbage on the FLOOR.

    I don’t NEED to talk down to you to feel better. Why would I? Thats in your head. You can’t even LOOK for a decent job, you are too lazy.

    So hearing about how I should be positive about my job situation, from YOU of all people, pissed me off. You don’t know what you are talking about. You never have had any of these problems. You will never know what you are talking about. I feel sorry for your parents, having a leech like you, if this visit is any indication of how you act. You ate too much, trashed our apartment, and left right when we didn’t buy you lunch at taco bell.
    I don’t want you to visit again, or to talk to me. I can’t stand how lazy and whiny and how much of a greedy bitch you are. You acted like our house was a free for all and you KNEW I had lost my job. You knew this trip was frivolous and at cost to me. Why you even posted this is beyond me, how I ever thought you to be a friend is beyond me. If I ever have a kid like you, I’m kicking them out at 18. No way would I make the mistake of keeping someone who is so thankless in my home. You are out of my life, as far as I am concerned. I was friends w/you because I felt sorry for you.

    Oh, and, you are OBESE. Your mom gets on your case because she doesn’t want you to die of a heart attack in a year. So go ahead and post a blog and bitch behind my back, no one reads it anyway.

  2. You may have brought/bought all that stuff, but you didn’t share the majority of it. The hornseby, you drank almost all of that yourself. 10 out of 12. You ate all the candy yourself. I really dislike that people like you go this route instead of talking to my face. This just offers one side, your twisted selfish mental side. Everyone has some sort of problems, so quit making large of your “anxiety problems.” If you go get help, and complain about the therapist because they are too old, you really aren’t gonna help your self, are you? At least I can talk to my boyfreind, and not moon over some dude who won’t even look at me. Thats another thing, you say how much you change. then how come you work 12 hours a week, still have a crush on some strange man who you scare, still weigh 250 pounds, and still live with your parents? You still freak out on anyone who wants exercise, or to diet. You still refuse to get a job that makes you talk to people. I get why your parents were always yelling at you when you were on the phone with me. Because they don’t know what to do with a 22 year old who acts like a 12 year old. Get a REAL job, pay your student loan bill, go to school or get out of your parents house. The problem is NOT your parents, its you. You are the reason they are always bitching.

  3. I didn’t trash your apartment. It was a mess when I got there. It didn’t help having an extra person there, but I don’t think you can pin that all on me. I also didn’t inhale half the summer sausage. I ate some of it, but not all. If you didn’t want something to happen or to get eaten, you could have said. Sure the visit was a burden, but you could have told me, “I can’t afford it right now, can we wait until a later time?”. And you could have told me if you didn’t want me to eat certain things. I offered to send you money to pay for what I ate so don’t bitch about how much it cost. I can still send you money if it makes you feel better.
    I didn’t eat half the bag of chips, either, and I didn’t tell you to buy them. You could have told me no, and I would have shut up. I didn’t get the records myself because they were in a sealed box of yours. I didn’t want to dig through your stuff. And, I didn’t leave because you didn’t buy me lunch. I left because I needed to get home because I thought I had to work, and I needed time to unpack and do laundry.

    You bitch about not getting a good job, but maybe you could learn to drive. Sure you’re afraid of it and you don’t have a car. Make fucking do. At least learn to drive. A lot more jobs would be accessable to you that way, and your boyfriend wouldn’t have to drive you around like a little kid. Even though you’re very in love with him, have you ever considered what would happen if you broke up with John? You’d be back to having your parents take you everywhere. I might be immature and still live at home but at least I can drive to my job. And I paid for the liscense fee and I pay for all the gas. I don’t actually have enough GAS right now to go gallavanting around Mason City looking for a job, I have to save what gas I have getting to the pitiful job I do have.

    And please, don’t call me a whiny bitch. You whine about different things than I do, but always the same things. John looks at Asian women. John looks at other women. John watches movies with half naked women in them. John sits around and plays video games all the time. John smokes too much. He promised he would try to quit. John needs to look for a part time job. I never get to see John. John this. John that. John eats too much, I have to eat when I’m not hungry just to make sure I get some. Work is boring. I need a new job. Why is it always my job that gets cut. Etc. I hate to say this but a part of me was staying friends with you out of habit. We just kept having less and less in common. I hate to see a friendship like this go but if you want me out of your life and you want to continue to put other people down when you don’t live their life; I’m basically better off not talking to you till you settle down then.

  4. I don’t have mommy and daddy giving me their car. I notice it stopped being your car when the cops pulled you over and you cried like a baby. My boyfreind doesn’t drive me, we have public transportation. You of all people calling me a baby, at least my best friend isn’t my 16 year old brother. Don’t tell me to “make fucking do” when you can’t work a register because counting change is too hard. YOU make do. I have never met a more challenged person. You can’t even cross a street without freaking out. Whats your excuse for not having a real job? I never even made an excuse, you did. Other than acting stupid about it or lazy, I don’t see why.You’d have enough gas to look for a job, if you stopped buying chips,shirts, and pop. Look for a job at Wal Mart. Look for a job online, you are online often enough. Walgreens has online applications, almost all company’s do. I know what your job at Kraft was, its an easy job, My dad did it and so did a friend of Johns. I couldn’t tell you no about the chips, you would freak out.
    I whine about John because hes a big part of my life. Duh.He’s trying to quit smoking but he’s addicted. I also talk about nice things he does. If we ever broke up, I could get a job here and take the bus and WALK which is something I don’t think you know how to do.

    You kept being friends with me out of habit? Bullshit. You are always whining about having no friends. You didn’t bathe,brush your teeth, or put on deodorant the whole 5 days you were here. Your car smells. How ya gonna attract friends or anyone else? You have no friends, which you could if you got a real job or moved to a different town, I have different friends now. Its not that we have less in common, its because you never grew the fuck up. You can’t understand how someone could move and have their life change, and themselves change. I am tired of dealing with your “problems”. I am cutting you out of my life because I think you made it more negative. I’ve had it pointed out to me about you, and people at NIACC kept asking why I was friends with you, the guys from Tigers group. I can’t figure it out now. I don’t want you to talk to me, I’m not putting you down, I’m pointing out the truth. I’m moving on with my life. I suggest you do the same.

  5. John’s a big part of your life, but he doesn’t have to control it.

    For the record, it hasn’t always been easy being friends with you, either.

    I’m depressed and all, but I never tried to take forty tylenol at once or whatever the fuck it was you took.
    I’m sorry it had to come to this, I really am.

    Good luck in your future.

  6. You wanna throw a suicide attempt at me? Wow, that proves you really are mature. I never tried to cut myself or scratch myself for attention. You kept saying you’d like to kill yourself but were too scared remember? If I took 40 Tylenol I’d have been sick for days..way to exaggerate. Besides, now I am treating my depression with pilates, its almost mediating. Exercise can do that. Its working and the stress of my life went way down after you left. I’m not saying I’ll never be sad, but I can manage myself. I would never let anyone control my life, you will just never see how it is to be happy with someone with your hygiene. He’s going to be an industrial engineer, I don’t see our money problem lasting longer than a year(and before then I will get a job). I don’t see what I ever did to you but pay for everything when we stayed at your dorm or your parents, payed when we went out to eat, and let you “borrow” a dollar for the pop machine,repeatedly.

    You pay your gas and your license fee? Big deal, that’s nothing to be proud of, that’s normal. You should have to pay for your gas, student loan, and license fee, along with some groceries the way you eat. You can say I bitch about things like money, jobs, bills, and the boyfreind, but at least I have real problems. My mom had to be screened for cancer, in addition to the stroke she had a few years ago. Try dealing with a real problem. I can. You cause your own problems, you’d be out of the house if you got a real job. Your parents gave you and continue so many chances, I don’t see why you act like you hate them.
    I will greatly enjoy my life no matter what happens. I can do what I want when I want and how I want. That’s the nice thing about being an adult and dealing with your actions, and not acting like a permanent 12 year old.

    I’m gonna delete this blog off my tabs now. I’m not going to it again. If you reply, its purely for your own benefit, or reason. I won’t be likely to see it.
    Good luck in your future too.

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