“Howl at the wind rushing past my lonely head
Caught inside its own motion
How I wish it was somebody else instead
Howling at all this corrosion…”
-Falling Down, by Duran Duran.
I’m not going to lie to you guys, I am not in a great mood right now, so the tone of this entry might be a little less than uplifting. Right at this moment I don’t really give a shit, though.
So, it’s been little over a month since my last entry. Vanessa still isn’t talking to me, not even when I make comments on the pictures she posts on deviantart. I’m trying to think of a message to send her apologizing for all the stupid shit I’ve done, but I’m afraid it won’t make a difference. And you know what, maybe it won’t, but I won’t know until I’ve tried. I’d do it now, but I need to be in a good mood when I write that, and right now I couldn’t be farther from a good mood.
In other news, my fucking gossiping co-workers have all but lost me another friend. You know why they call them crushes? Because they’re stupid, and more often than not, they’re temporary. Which means they will eventually go away.
I made the mistake of confiding in a couple of friends at work, thinking they’d be a good friend and not go blabbing about it to everyone else, and constantly giving the guy shit about it whenever he hangs out with them. So if I work with you and you didn’t hear it from me, thanks.
Thanks for losing me another fucking friend. He will barely even talk to me now, thank you very much. Because of you, he thinks I’m the one who’s been going around telling everyone I know, and talking about it with every breath I take. Because of you, if he talks to me, it’s to call me creepy and a stalker. So thank you for making me feel fucking awkward every single day I work. Thank you for losing me a friend. It’s not like I need friends anyway. Thanks for making sure I won’t have to worry about it.
Other than that, work has been uneventful. I’m probably going to quit staying after work for drinks, as it’s ceased being fun for me. I can sit alone with no one to talk to at home, why should I do it at work? Besides. I need to save as much money as possible.
If working here has made me aware of anything, it’s that my ability to tell my friends anything in confidence has been severely cracked and all but shattered.
Anyway, enough about that.
If it’s news to anyone, I’ve felt like shit for a while. One of my teeth has really been bothering me, probably since Christmas, which was around the time that the filling in that tooth came loose and fell out.
I don’t know if I don’t drink enough water, or if my allergies or acid reflux are acting up again, but I’ve felt like complete crap for a few weeks now. Usually I’ll get a sporadic chest pain every now and again, but it always goes away, and I won’t have to worry about it for a while. Now that happens on a daily basis instead of not even weekly. I can always breathe, but my allergies and everything make me paranoid that I’m going to start sufficating any minute. My throat always hurts, in certain spots. The other day, I woke with a huge knot in my leg that took a few days to disappear, and just a couple days ago I awoke with such pain in my left wrist up to my elbow that I actually cried. It’s basically gone now, but all this crap, plus the sinus headaches and pressure are just driving me mad.
I’ve put this shit off for a long time, but tomorrow I’m finally going to make a dentist appointment, and possibly a doctor’s appointment. The medical bill probably won’t be an issue (if I got my previous bill excused, I’m fairly certain I’d be able to get this one excused), but I’ll have to figure out some way to pay my dentist bill. Even as I type this shit now, I wonder if there’s some way I could avoid it and further put it off, but I can’t. Something is always uncomfortable or hurts, and I’m always in a shitty mood. I never have any energy do to anything. And I know sometimes exercising can give you engery afterwards, but what happens if you can’t get the energy you need to GET the extra energy?
I don’t know what’s going on, and I really wish I didn’t have to go further in debt to figure it out.
Sometimes I wonder about my sanity, too. Although along with that, I wonder; if I was truly insane, would I be aware of it? Aren’t insane people unaware of the fact that they’re crazy?
That doubt’s probably a product of my paranoia. That reminds me of something else I need but can’t pay for. Counseling at the mental health center. I used to go, at my parents’ request, until I found out how much it cost. We might still have an unpaid bill from when I used to go there like two years ago. The paranoia really pisses me off sometimes. And I even wonder about that. I know some of the things I’m paranoid about, it’s completely idiotic to be paranoid about, but even that doesn’t stop me from being paranoid.
I’ve gotten over some of my social issues on my own, but there’s more I need to work on.
Still. I know I have some problems, but I can’t get them looked at. Sure. Putting it off may make the problems worse, but the bottom line is, I can’t afford it. And since I still live at home, I am uneligable for any sort of aid from them.
I just don’t know. Sometimes my head just feels like it’s going to explode. I don’ t know.
I mean. At least I am deciding to get doctors and dentist appointments. As I said before, I have literally put this off for ages but for the sake of my dwindling sanity I am going to have this shit dealt with.
But there comes another cost. Prescriptions, should the doctor or dentist give me any. I can tell them I need generics because I can’t afford name brands, but I don’t get paid for a week.
And having mother nature’s monthly gift right now isn’t helping! In fact, it’s probably helping to greatly fuck up my moods.
Now I’m going to hunt for something positive. Well. Spring is here. Although the weather still kind of feels like winter (despite having a few really nice days), the weather will be great pretty soon, and in a couple months I can start up work at the seasonal restaurant I work at. And that will mean more hours, which means more money.
And if you want to get really shallow, there’s a new episode of Heroes on tomorrow night. I know it’s a small thing, but it really is those small things that’s helping me stay even slightly sane right now. My favorite tv shows. A favorite song. Sometimes the small things make a big difference.
I am going to make an appointment or two tomorrow. I can figure out some of this shit, and get the means to feel better. I should feel really hopeful about that, but for some reason, I’m still depressed. Probably just the PMS related mood swings. As you can probably already tell, my mood isn’t even the same right now as it was when I began this entry.
I’m going to see if I can’t get some sleep right now. I may be back tomorrow, especially if I go to the dentist or doctor.