Swift and sudden fall from grace/Sunny days seem far away…

-Michael Jackson, “Stranger in Moscow”

Well, I’ve only been up for an hour and this day has already seen a mood swing.

I get up this morning a bit groggy, but all around content.  Mom was just about ready to leave for work. I woke with the intent of drawing something in honor of Earth day…on a piece of paper bag I acquired yesterday while doing a bit of grocery shopping for my father.

I actually amazed myself because I had a somewhat creative idea, something that seems to have become scarce lately. Just started outlining it, I pop to myspace.com quick, and all of a sudden, the depression of yesterday is back. Funny how something puny, mundane, and stupid can bring a bout of depression on, isn’ t it?

Now, yesterday wasn’t exactly a bad day. It was fairly normal, except for the grocery shopping. I really can’t  think of a way it was bad, except for my mood.  I blame that time of the month which, sadly, will be arriving shortly.

It’s not like I was in a bad mood the entire time, I’ve just been depressed lately. I haven’t talked to my best friend since January, when I fucked up the friendship by being a complete retard. I haven’t heard from any of my other friends lately.  Besides. Not a whole lot of them live around here anymore, although a few still do.

I like where I work, and although I’d like to put all the blame for ruining a new friendship all on my co workers, I do suppose some of the blame is mine. It’s just, I used to have fun at work, but now I dread it again.  Sure. I am acquaintances with a couple co workers, but I don’t know if I could call it friends. I miss being talked while I’m forced to be in the kitchen. I miss goofy comments and conversation.  What did I do to lose a friend I barely even had?

I didn’t do anything wrong, goddammit. I didn’t do anything wrong. Excuse the piss out of me if I expected my {former} friends not to spread anything I told them around the entire fucking restaurant.  If I had wanted everyone to know, I’d have told everyone. Thanks for blowing everything out of proportion and losing me a new friend. It’s not like I needed one or anything.

And honestly, everyone made a bigger deal about it than I did. If I’d have known that the person in question wouldn’t even like, look at me again, I would have kept my mouth shut. I figure, it’s just a couple of my friends,  it’s not like I’m going around and telling everybody, and I didn’t expect those couple of friends to do so either. In all actuality, I’m almost over it completely. But it doesn’t matter, I guess. I can’t be friends with someone whom I’ve had disagreements with in the past, apparently.

I wish I didn’t need this job so badly or I’d quit. It’s just not fun anymore, and it won’t be unless… I don’t know.

I guess I’ve ruined another friendship. I seem to be good at that.  You want someone to hate, become friends with me and you’ll hate me soon enough.

I just want to know what I did wrong, because for the life of me I have no idea. I just want one of my goofy intelligent friends back. It wouldn’t hurt to be friend with Vanessa again either. I miss her like no other, although I think that situation is turning out like my current one. I attempt to contact, and it gets ignored or denied.

Honestly, what is wrong with me? I don’t have some communicable disease, underneath my problems I am a good person, goddammit.  Aside from criminals who commit some federal crimes, is there anyone who deserves to be condemned? I’d say I’d want a second chance but I’ve had many and fucked them all up. So, is that it? Am I just damned for all eternity or something? What official document states that I can’t ask for another chance?  Am I such a horrible person for that? There are lots of people who have lots of fuck ups at a certain point in their lives only to turn it around later.  Are my past fuck ups so horrible that I don’t deserve the same sort of chance as any other person would get? Am I such a horrible person as to not deserve the same treatment as anyone else would get?

Even if it’s not entirely true, it still makes me feel like shit.

Probably asking too much, I know, but goddammit, is it that terrible for me to want to have one or two friends right now? A couple friends that aren’t pixel text on a fucking computer screen with a 100×100 pixel icon next to their fucking name!

Is it just that this is possible, I just haven’t been making enough effort? I feel like such a pathetic, terrible waste of space right now.

You know, I’m not religious but sometimes I wish I could blindly and stupidly follow some religion so my faith could be a comfort at a time like this, even if that comfort is from a system constructed on lies and false promises.

Well, I have to go. My dad has to take his truck into the shop, and shortly I have to leave to meet him there. Plus, this place I’m in right now is not one I wish to wallow in all day, lest I feel even more pathetic.

Plus it’s earth day, and I want to finish that drawing before this day is over, so my day won’t have been a complete waste.

Actually, I may write that letter to Vanessa that I’ve been debating about writing for a while. You know. I messed it up. I’m sorry.  I was stupid, you didn’t deserve it, you deserved a better friend, please give me another chance to be that friend.  All that jazz.

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