And you can have this heart to break…

-“And so it goes”, by Billy Joel

Hello again, ladies, germs, and other various forms of intelligent life. It’s been a month and a day since I’ve bothered to think about this blog, and to tell you the truth, since I’ve started uploading things to my facebook photo albums, I probably won’t ever finish that photoblog entry. It’s just too much work to upload everything to photobucket, put a picture in an entry here, then select it again and resize the thing.

So, for our first order of business, I finally have internet on my computer at home. I don’t remember exactly when this computer crashed and I lost everything, but I’m almost positive there was snow on the ground. And it’s August now.

That wasn’t all bad for me. Quite the opposite. It made me ride my bike to the library damn near every day. I have lost a pants size, but I think it may be creeping back on slowly (this weekend didn’t help, but more on that later).

My knees, while they do hurt while I’m riding, feel better most of the time. My back hasn’t been hurting as much, and if nothing else, at least I’m outside to absorb my daily dose of Vitamin D.

Just getting out of the house is good for me, too, but generally, I just missed having internet at home. There were so many things I couldn’t do, not having internet. Although I did go to bed at a decent hour, so maybe that was good for me.

Generally, I’m glad I have the internet back, although I will need to be especially careful that I don’t make a habit out of being on the internet for 6+ hours a day, which I was at at one point. I’ve let myself get on a copious amount in the past few days to make up for not having it since the winter, but it won’t be a regular habit. Not while I still have the summer outdoors left to enjoy.

In other news, and this I won’t go in to super detail about, but I wanted to mention it, I may have an interest. In July, I saw an amazing classic rock tribute band, and met all but one of the band members. After an initial crush on one of them, I discovered he was spoken for, so it wasn’t until a different member showed interest in me that I noticed that particular member. We’ve been talking a lot online, and texting, but it’s just a whole lot of thoughts trying to be thought at one time. I won’t go into detail, but there are some things about it that are a little awkward. Initially, I was scared of the fact that this guy is only a few years younger than one of my parents, but to me, age is a number. I like older men, I’m just not used to them being interested in me, except the creepy ones. Still. I know I like this guy, I’m just dealing with a lot of uncertainty and fear of the unknown.

I’m really not going to be any more specific than that, because I know that sort of thing has gotten me in trouble in the past, and I want to try my best to keep that from happening again.

I’m still having considerable trouble finding a job. I do seek them out. I do look online and in the papers, but when the classifieds are literally only one column long, there isn’t a whole lot to go around.

I’m inching closer to getting my drivers license back. I know I have to get SR-22 insurance, but I have no idea how much it would cost. I just feel a little like I’m back on one of those cycles. “I need money to be able to get the insurance, I need a job to get the money,  I need a car to get to a job, but I need money to get the insurance to get the car to get to a job”. And really, I need to get my license back because this opens up a lot.

Right now, I’m pretty much limited to jobs in places I can get on my bike or on foot. Yeah, I could ask my parents to drive me, but they’re understandably fed up with having to cart me everywhere (Which I understand, 110%).

All I have left to do is get the SR-22 insurance, and take the written and driving tests, and pay the 200 dollar reinstatement fee. But there is always the fine looming over my head. I really don’t want them to think I’m being irresponsible, but I am flat out broke. I have less than 250 dollars to my name right now. I’d like to have the whole thing paid off, I really would. And as it is, I try to make payments when I can. You don’t have to have the fine paid off to get the license back, but if you are late or haven’t made any, that can affect things.

I really hope it doesn’t. I’m just a good person who did something stupid, and who is now trying to come out of the thing better than I was before. I want to better myself, I’m just finding it difficult at the moment. I know it won’t always be like this, but it’s hard to keep your chin up whilst in the middle of it.

Right now, I’m actually thinking of places I can apply to online, so I can at least feel like I’m doing something to better myself.

Part of it is my manic depression (and I’m almost certain that’s what it is). I have to remember this sort of thing when I’m in a depressed spell. All I can do is what I can do, I can’t keep worrying about the stuff I can’t control at the moment. I can’t keep worrying about the past, what I have to do is concentrate on not repeating my mistakes, and making the future better.

This will take making changes, which I know I can do. I have a feeling something good is on the horizon. I don’t know when or how, but I know there is something. They will be difficult. At times, it will suck, and I will wonder just why I wanted to get into it, but I can do it. I have friends to help me, and whoever the higher power might be, you know, maybe they’ll help me out too.

Anyway, before I went off on my inspirational tangent, I had something else to talk about. Today, we got back from the family reunion, which was yesterday. We stayed overnight in a hotel instead of driving back yesterday. All in all, the experience was fun. The reunion actually felt like the reunion this year. I will continue this in a minute, kids. My computer is needed.


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