“I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is fourteen days.”

-Totie Fields

Well kids, we’ve hit day fourteen. I’ve been keeping track of my food intake for two weeks.

I feel like I need to warn you about this now, but I got less than 2 hours of sleep last night, so forgive me and my sleepy rambling.

I know I’ve said this in about every entry past the first three days, but I have not been as exact as I originally intended.  The changes I was planning seemed easy enough when planning them, but actually doing turned out to be a little harder than I anticipated.

Starting with tomorrow, I plan on getting back to that. Being more exact, not just “I had a bowl of this, and probably this much of this, blahblahblahblah”. I think what I’m going to consider doing is taking pictures of everything I consume. That way, I can’t use creative wording to make it seem like I’m doing better than I really am.

Not to insinuate that I’ve been doing that, but with me, I have a nasty habit of not sticking to any self help plans I make, mainly because nobody is forcing me to stick to them. I’ll just think ‘Oh, I don’t want to do that. Nobody is going to bitch at me if I don’t stick to the plan, so I won’t.’

Obviously, that is no way to go about with these plans, and one of the main reasons I wanted to post this stuff in my blog is knowing that people may actually read it.  Now, I can count on one hand the number of readers I’ve had in the two weeks that I’ve been doing this, but knowing that someone could potentially read it and see that I haven’t been keeping up with my plan is enough of a motivator.

I figure, if I take pictures… you’re going to see what I ate. Not just hear me talking about a sensible portion. I’m thinking I’m going to take a picture of the nutrition info. Take a picture of the actual bowl of cereal or whatever, right before I eat it.

Now of course this brings up its own set of concerns, like “Omg what if they think the food I’m going to eat looks disgusting” and I’ve already thought about the ways in which I could fudge that too (i.e. taking a picture of a sensible portion, then eating more, but still maintaining that I ate the sensible portion).

While it seems like a good idea, in theory, for calories to not count if nobody saw you consuming them, sadly this is not how it works.

The point here is, I want to change. I want to be healthier. For someone as paranoid about dying as I am, you’d think I’d have started to care about this stuff a little sooner than now, just a few short months after I turned 24.

Whatever. The point is, I’m caring about it now, while I still have time to change my habits and such. I think I feel late now, imagine if I continued to be in the dark about my unhealthy ways until I was in my 40s. It gets harder to lose weight as you age. It seems hard enough for me at 24, but my mother has to exercise like hell and be extremely vigilant about what she eats just to maintain being a size 8. She’s a 6, or an 8, depending on clothing brand, but you get the point.

It really happens over time, though. It really seemed like one day I was a middle schooler wearing size 12s, fast forward to my senior year of high school, and I was a size 18.

Now, at 20-22 (depending on brand and cut of jeans; jean shopping is frustrating for this reason) I can’t believe that I used to fit into a size below 14. And when I think back about that… I felt fat even way back at size 12. If my middle school self could see me now.

I shudder to think of that. Even now, I’m a bit disappointed that fitting into a huge size 18 again is a good first goal to shoot for, but that’s the first goal I’m aiming for.

My senior prom dress was a size 18. My first goal is to fit into that for halloween.

But enough of this rambling. I’m tired. I got 2 hours of sleep last night, if I’m lucky.  When I read this tomorrow, having gotten a full night’s sleep, it will probably make even less sense than it makes now.

Anyway. Breakfast was, I’m not kidding you, a cupcake. I know, that after all my talk of fatness and wanting to change, that a cupcake sounds kind of awful, but… you really don’t notice how lack of sleep affects your habits until you are sleep deprived.

Now granted, I stayed up very late on purpose, which is sometimes fun to do, but I hadn’t planned on not being able to sleep once I actually went to bed.

The main effect for today was, I craved sugary foods. Usually, if I’m craving a specific flavor, it’s savory, but today, all I wanted to do was stuff my face with cupcakes and sugary cereal. Probably because my body missed out on the energy I’d get from sleeping, so it sought out the energy in the form of food.

For lunch, I had a bowl of cheesy soup, with the last of the leftover noodles I had from making a casserole last week. Later, I had two bowls of cereal. Then my dinner, which was a leftover chicken leg, and a wing, and some rice.

Also today, I had another cupcake, and two tops from the first batch of cupcakes I made that didn’t work out.

Still, as awful as that sounds… it’s less than I was previously known to eat in a day. It wasn’t as if I would just sit on the kitchen floor in the middle of a circle of food and just gorge myself all day, but I wasn’t as aware as I am now, and frankly I didn’t give a damn (sorry, couldn’t resist).

Anyway. Tomorrow the weather may allow for me to finally make a trip to the library on foot. These bitterly cold winter temperatures have been effectively turning me into a shut in. But, tomorrow, supposedly the temps are supposed to get up to 20 degrees (above zero), and tomorrow and Tuesday are looking like the only days this week that would allow for a walk to the library.

So, unless the weatherman was wrong (which does happen) I should be getting out of the house tomorrow.

Anyway, I’ve noticed that I’m rambling really a lot and that nothing I’m saying seems to be making much sense, so I’m going to log off and go to sleep. It probably won’t even take me five minutes to be asleep. I’m that tired.

Hopefully tomorrow I’m a little more aware and will thusly be able to write a more coherent entry.

 

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