We’re not scared to lose it all / Security throw through the wall / Future dreams we have to realize / A thousand sceptic hands / Won’t keep us from the things we plan / Unless we’re clinging to the things we prize

-Howard Jones

Day 96. Damn.

Ugh. Today wasn’t the greatest.

Firstly, my mom asked if I would go out and apply for jobs which I would have loved to be able to do, but the weather was not cooperating.

Windchills this morning were at 29. The wind was actually so strong that my dad even said “it’s not weather you want to be biking around in”, and he’s the one who is so often on my ass to get a, and I quote “god damn job”.

The day was okay I suppose. I cleaned the bathroom, did dishes, and that sort of thing.

I made plans to see this guy friend of mine, and of course that was a bust from the beginning. I texted him directions to my house, then of course his car didn’t have any oil, and he had to wait for a ride from his parents.

So that meant I had to ask mom for a ride. She was not happy about that. She yelled at me and called me a deadbeat, and all the obligatory “Doesn’t it embarass you to be 24 and not have a license, yadda yadda yadda you need to get a god damn job etc, I don’t want to take you, dad wouldn’t have done this for you” and so on and so forth.

It just wasn’t fun.  This was going to be the last time I asked her for a ride anywhere, but she made sure to yell at me that I was never to ask for a ride from her EVER again.

Now, my dad is due to get home from work any  minute now, and I can already picture some of the things he might say to me.

I just… this isn’t fun. I don’t LIKE not having a job or being able to drive. I don’t like feeling like a huge burden on everyone’s life because really, that’s what I am. I don’t support anyone, not even emotionally. Nobody can ask me for advice. Just about the only worthwhile things I do are the dishes and a few little chores around the house.

I can’t even afford to take the guy I like to the movies so I’m a burden on him too. God dammit. It would just be easier for everyone if my parents dumped me over at the homeless shelter and forgot about me.

I think the only thing keeping them from actually kicking me out is my brother but I don’t know what use I am to him either. All I do is text him retarded song lyrics, or with bitching about the mean things that the parents say to me. He doesn’t need that. He has a life. He doesn’t need to worry about me too.

Whatever. Let’s just get on with the food so I can get back to my pity party

Breakfast:
+A bowl of rice krispies at like 10 am.

Lunch:
+Half a fish sandwich from Burger King. That’s it.

Dinner:
Tiny one egg omelette on a toasted bagel.

I also had two cookies and several cups of coffee with no sugar added. Only some soymilk. Oh. And I had a wine cooler.

I’m off to fill out some online job applications. I feel really bad about how much of a burden I am. I can only hope somebody takes pity on me and hires me because I really am trying.

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