Day 197.

Today was a decent day, but I was just not in a great mood. I was depressed for no reason, then I was in that lovely mood where I constantly insult myself (You’re still really fat, your art sucks, nobody can stand you…you know, the usual), and then I was just in a bitchy mood. I’m not sure why.

This morning I gave the neighbor lady four pieces of zucchini bread… the zucchini bread that contained the first zucchini (or anything, for that matter) I harvested from my garden. Also, when I was out playing with the neighbor puppy, I saw a hummingbird. At first I thought it was just a giant scary bee or something but when I got a closer look I noticed it was a hummingbird, so that was pretty cool.

I know I’ve said this before, but when you’re in a better mood most of the time, the depression sucks that much more.

I’ve been more regularly happy, so much so that I start to think “Eh, I don’t have that depression problem anymore thank god”, then I’ll hit a day like today and remember that I’m not normal and I do still have issues.

Admittedly, I have fewer  issues than I would have had this time just a year or two ago, but it’s still really irritating.

Like my intense hatred for calling strangers on the phone. There are two dates in August that the family are going on little day trips and that I’ll need a newspaper sub for, and there’s a guy I need to call to see about subbing for me. He subbed for me twice before, but I still just really hate calling people on the phone. In most other areas of my social anxiety, I’ve either gotten rid of my fears or have whittled my fears down to a level where I can just overlook them, but this is the one big one that remains.

I don’t even like calling my friends, because I’m afraid I’ll catch them when they’re busy, at work, in class, sleeping, or they don’t feel like talking to me which is pretty stupid, but if there’s one thing I could be famous for, it’s my penchants for strange phobias.

Anyway, I still have an art blog to do as well as some dishes so I should get going.


+A piece of zucchini bread and a cinnamon roll

+Some mac & cheese, some steamed broccoli, and some chicken.

+A single serve little pizza I felt extremely guilty about eating because it was so unhealthy.

Also, I had a couple twizzlers, an apple, half a plum, a few reeses pieces and like 4 milk duds. And some dried fruit. 
I also had a bottle of wild cherry pepsi, because all the other kinds of soda in the machine were sold out. That was like 270 calories, so I felt I had to include it.
After that, I'm completely serious when I say I'm going to stop buying soda. If someone brings some home, I might have half a glass, 
but I am literally not buying any more for myself. I'm a fat and disgusting human being, and people can drop 
thirty pounds just by cutting soda from their diet. I'm clearly not making enough progress so I have to do something.