Insecurity.

Sometimes I can be quite… odd. I’m sure you know that already, but in regards to the job situation, I am very insecure.

My work schedule is completely random. We’re scheduled by a computer system that, as I understand it, randomly sticks people in on the schedule according to the hours listed on each individual person’s listed availability.

This means I start at random hours. One day I might work 8:15-2:45, then I might work 2pm-7pm, then I might work 6:30-12.

I put the hours into a note document on my phone, so I can put them on our calendar when I get home.

Even though I double and triple check the schedule, I have this fear that I’ll have written it down wrong and I’ll get in trouble for being late or something. When one night I would work 6-11, and the next time it would be 6:30-midnight, one can kind of see where that would be kind of confusing.

And I’m famous for having a less than stellar memory with numbers, so that doesn’t help.

Just the whole job thing in general. I try to do my best and do what is asked of me, but I am just so scared that some day I’ll have made some mistake they won’t tell me about and it will get me in a bunch of trouble and in danger of getting fired.

Which is stupid, right? If you’re making mistakes of that magnitude, work would tell you, wouldn’t they?

We’re allowed up to 5 infractions per each 6 month period before we’re in serious trouble (depending on what the infractions are for), and I haven’t had any infractions. And, I’ve only gone home early once (They let me go home an hour early because I was having extremely bad that time of the month cramps).

So I’m not so sure what I’m afraid of, here.  I was told people had had wrong till amounts, given too much change, and all that, and they didn’t get fired.

I think I’m so wary because I spent so long being unemployed. I worked as a dishwasher in a restaurant from September 2008-about November 2009, but after that… I couldn’t find a job. No matter how hard I looked or how many applications I filled out.

So, when I got an interview for this job, I didn’t think there was a ghost chance in hell I’d get it, but I tried REALLY hard. I searched online for lots of interview tips, I googled the company, I wore the best clothes I own (save for my prom dresses, which don’t fit anyway), wore makeup… I went all out for this interview. I thought I’d done a good job with that stuff before, but there I was, jobless, so apparently not.

I was shocked when, after the interview, she essentially told me that once the background check came back clean (and I knew it would, save for what I’d already told them about) that I’d have a job.

That was back in August. I’ve worked there for almost 4 months, and for the most part, I like the job.

I just spent so long being completely broke and unable to find a job that I guess I’m scared. In this economy, so many people can’t find a job. I’ve just started getting to the point where I have money to do things. I can finally afford to start helping my parents buy groceries. I can finally afford to give people gas money for giving me rides to work. This is really the first year that I’ve had enough money to buy people christmas presents and to even consider exchanging christmas cards with my friends overseas in England.

I’m just so scared that the economy will get even worse and I’ll get fired or lose all my hours or something, and then I’d be back in that giant job searching hamster wheel where I just keep running and running and running, and when I stop to rest, I’m still in the same place. Because that’s what it felt like, needing a job so bad, but not being able to get one no matter how hard I tried.

I probably don’t have anything to worry about, because I’ve seen people at work act worse than me, yet they still have a job.

Still. I think I’m going to try even harder at work, partly because they deserve it of me, and partly because it will be a good way to ensure my continued employment.

I have a habit of worrying way too much about things, and that’s probably what I’m doing here.

I guess it’s because things are going fairly well for once, but I remember all too well how awful and depressed I felt when things were going shitty, and I don’t want to go back to that.

 

 

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