I’m taking my time but I don’t know where…

which would be a quote from the lovely song “Me and Julio Down by the School yard”. My dad would listen to Simon and Garfunkel quite a bit so as a child I always had a very specific mental picture of people on a playground with a chain link fence around it and everything. Childhood silliness.

Anyway.

I’ve got a few reasons for wanting to write this entry today. For one, the end of the year is even closer than it was when I wrote my previous entry.

I still haven’t made an entry about my short trip to Florida. I haven’t even uploaded all the pictures yet. The reason for that being that every time I try to upload the pictures to my facebook album, the computer will either threaten to freeze after uploading every single picture, or it’ll get 3/4 of the way uploading the list of pictures and then freeze.

I will eventually get that stuff uploaded, but for now I’ve just gotten too annoyed with my slow, outdated P.O.S. computer to bother.

In my last entry I said I was going to start food journaling again. That only lasted a few days. At first I legit forgot to publish an entry, and then I just went “fuck it” and abandoned it.

I think I’m going to try what I did a couple years ago; set January 2nd as the date when I really go gung ho at this stuff, being healthier, exercising, food journaling, etc.

I’d have started a month ago if I thought I had the willpower for it, but this is basically the most gluttonous time of the year. I know I’d have failed right off the bat.

The problem with me as far as ambition goes is, I will have these grandiose, lofty, fantastical goals that I get really fired up about… for a few days. Or even a week or more.

Then after that I lose heart and fail, and then I get all downtrodden and beat myself up for never succeeding. And then I fall into that rut of “Well I always fail so what’s the point of even trying because it’s a big fat waste of effort”.

I forget to look at the progress I’ve made, instead dwelling on my failures and those times when I’ve made progress and then taken a few steps backwards (i.e., I’ve gained back all the weight I lost delivering newspapers the summer before last) and it’s just… meh. I can’t live that way.

I guess I’m just at a point where I don’t know. I don’t know what I want. I know places I want to be but not how to start heading there. I simultaneously know and don’t know. It’s very confusing.

Part of the reason I haven’t uploaded all the Florida pictures is that it’s almost painful to think that I’m not there.

When I was there I had this odd feeling like I was supposed to be there. Like it’s the kind of place I’d like to live. I know a lot of my amazement and enjoyment of the place can be attributed to the fact that it was my first time being there, ever, but… I don’t know. After the newness wore off a little, it felt kind of like home. There was sort of a weird, familiar feeling I should not have had because I’ve lived in Iowa my entire life.

I feel like I need to live there, despite the fact that the newness would wear off and the normal humdrum and struggles of life would set in.

And then I start asking myself impossible questions. Like, how would I ever afford it? I’d have to get rid of a bunch of my stuff so I’d have less junk to worry about moving. I’d have to find a place I could actually afford (which I can’t even do in Iowa, let alone fucking Florida)  I’d have to either have a job lined up or know someone who would put me up until I could find work, and that’s not even counting the cost of the tickets and how much it’d cost to move all my shit 1.5k miles away.

I guess all I can do right now is keep working at my part time, minimum wage job and looking for other work and thinking of ways to do the stuff I want to do. Part of me wants to sell most of my posessions and use the money to buy a VW Bus and just go off on a drive and look for work in whatever town I’m in when I run out of gas or when the bus breaks down. Or maybe I’d sell my shit and buy a one way greyhound bus ticket.

I guess I’m restless, not really sure what I want or where I want to go, but I know I can’t stay here forever. And that’s not even about the fact that I’m 26 and still can’t afford to move out of my parents’ house, it’s about this area. I mean, I grew up in Iowa and I love it, but I need to go somewhere else.

 

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