I must have some unwritten rule about this blog that I must go for months without updating at all then write several entries within the span of a few days.
I just feel like talking about something that’s bothering me helps, even if nobody reads it. And we all know how long it’s been since someone other than me read this blog.
I had literally just woken up, and I hobble downstairs to the kitchen, and the first words out of my dad’s mouth went something to the effect of “You job hunting today? You don’t have many hours you need more”.
Ok, no shit sherlock. I didn’t know I needed more hours. I don’t know, my dad is convinced that if I actually go out and look I’ll somehow be more successful in my job search. I don’t know how, since most places have online applications now. I mean, maybe going to the small bars and stuff around the area would help, but I just don’t have the energy for that. Yesterday I was sweating bullets because I thought people at the library were staring at and making fun of me behind my back. I just don’t have the energy to go into a bunch of places I’ve never been in before and talk to people I don’t know.
Let’s face it, I have a social anxiety problem that I want to pretend I don’t have so I can be normal, but when I have lows like this, I can’t pretend I don’t have a problem.
It’s not an “excuse” and it’s not something I can just easily get over, POOF, just like that. I’m trying to work on it, but jesus, I can’t fix it all in a short time.
As if that wasn’t enough, then mom joined in the fun, in a different way. For a while now, I’ve been making a fruit smoothie for breakfast. It’s one thing I know I can do, in regards to trying to be healthier. I used to get these grandiose plans and then get discouraged because the plans would kind of fizzle and die out after about a week. Instead, I started with a small thing I know would be doable.
So, I’m in the kitchen, drinking my smoothie, waiting for my mom to be out of the bathroom from taking her morning bath before work. The bathroom door opens, and the first thing she says to me was along the lines of “You know when you drink it out of a straw you don’t get the full flavor, you taste it more if you don’t just suck it down your throat”
Like it’s not enough that for a few weeks now I’ve been having a smoothie for breakfast pretty much every day, it’s that I’m drinking it through a straw. The point of the fruit smoothie thing was for me to be taking in nutrients I probably wouldn’t eat otherwise. I don’t drink enough milk, so I put milk in almost all my smoothies. Along with frozen berries, or whatever fresh fruit we have on hand at the time. It’s not about the taste. It’s about me consuming healthy things I probably wouldn’t have just eaten during the day.
I don’t think she means to, but christ, my mother can be quite a character. There have been days I’ve done several chores throughout the house, and without skipping a beat she completely ignores anything I did and instead fixates on what didn’t get done. Ignores if I’ve done all the dishes, cleaned the bathroom, and mopped the kitchen, and instead bitches that the laundry didn’t get done or that nobody dusted in the house.
It’s just easy for it to feel hopeless. Lately I haven’t even had energy for the things I enjoy doing, let alone chores in the house. I need to clean out my car, it looks like shit, I need to be going through the stuff in my room and get rid of stuff I don’t want, in case my parents move soon, there’s so much shit I need to do, and I don’t even have the energy to do the fun stuff, the stuff I used to love doing. I’ve had artist’s block for a long time now, I never write anymore, I take pictures but never get them uploaded or show them to anyone. I don’t know.
Sometimes it’s a chore just to get up in the morning, because even after not even being awake for two hours, I just wish night time would come so I could go back to bed.
I’ve written a list of some places I can submit online applications for, and I’m going to try to get something else in the house done to make myself feel better but I don’t know. I hope I’m in a better mood soon