3-9-2014

So, I’ve decided to try something new. I’m going to try to keep to a somewhat normal routine, not planned around the same time every day, but rather when I work, and thusly when I get up (i.e. if I slept in until 10 am because I didn’t work until noon, or if I had to wake up at 7am to work at 9). One of the things on this list of stuff to do every day is write about anything for at least fifteen minutes. Now, I don’t work until 11 and it’s 9 right now, so I’m pretty sure I’ll be rambling for longer than that.

Actually, scratch that, I’m going to pause to do my eyeliner, which I honestly haven’t bothered to do in probably a couple weeks.

Okay. Back. I don’t know. With moving to a new place, I feel like I have an excuse to try to change things. And, I did always say that once I actually moved out of my parents’ house, then I would feel as if I could make some big changes. At least, big for me. Some of that is normal routine stuff most of you probably adopted as a habit years ago but I do somewhat sporadically.

I don’t know. I’m still feeling weird about this moving stuff, so until I get situated here, get used to hearing about it. I feel like I’m just saying the same things over and over, but this is so damn bizarre. We lived in that house for 13 years. Honestly, the longest we probably lived in one house before that was probably not much more than 5 years. I mean, living in the same town, yeah, there were towns we lived in for quite a while, but the same house? Nothing comes close. I grew pretty attached to that old shitty house, so the fact that it’s become “the old place”, even though my bed and dresser and some of my shit are still there…. it’s just weird. When I drive down the street, it still feels like “our” street, even though, come the end of this month, we’ll no longer be attached to it in any way.

I’m going to miss living less than a block from the lake. I’m going to miss just being able to walk to the carnival downtown in the summer, and things like that. Although, living in this down, I can literally drive for ten minutes and be at any number of stores, like Target, and shit, the mall is literally five minutes away.

I guess I don’t realize how much personal space I like until I move to a slightly bigger town. And not just one that gets bigger in the summer. I don’t know. There are going to be good and bad things about this. Good, because while this town certainly isn’t huge, sometimes it has the feel or a larger city (to me anyway) and sometimes I enjoy that energy. Bad because, I’m already kind of annoyed that there’s more traffic. I mean, it’s not a big deal because there isn’t a whole lot of traffic down my new street at all, but my old street got almost no traffic, so I’m not used to stuff like that here yet.

It’s just weird. I went from intending to stay over here for just a night, to pretty much living here full time. I’m just glad it’s a decision I made, not one I had to make because we were fully out of the old house.

I guess I’m kind of scared, because for the first time ever, if I get myself into trouble, it’ll be on me to handle it, and we all saw how well that worked last time my car stalled halfway out into the highway. I mean, if I was in trouble, I’d have my roommate to call (and in May, the other person that’s going to move in) but still. Financially too. I mean, when I’m fully here, officially, I’m going to apply for food stamps. And honestly, I’ve spent some money on things I need here (like combs, cotton swabs, essentials etc), most of the money I’ve actually spent was on food, so if I can get that taken care of, I’ll probably be okay

Which just reminded me. I get paid with a paycard at work (like a debit card), and in order to get unemployment once the store closes, I’m going to have to have pay stubs. I guess if the HR lady is at work today, I’m going to ask her about my computer log in information, so I’ll have access to that stuff. I was freaking out about this yesterday, but it was just my anxiety talking… I’m sure I’ll get it straightened out. Speaking of which, I am kind of antsy to get my tax return sent in, because that may very well be what keeps me afloat for a couple months while I’m job searching, after the place I work at closes for good.

Life is made up of unknowns, I guess, but I don’t like having uncertainties about things. I like knowing things.

I mean, in a lot of ways, it’s good that all this stuff happened, like mom getting a new job and us moving and whatnot, but before, I knew what was going to happen. I mean, we had stagnated in a lot of ways, but there weren’t so many unknowns. Not that I think it’s better we stayed that way because everyone was unhappy. I don’t know. My anxiety takes unknowns and runs with them to the darkest places of possibility. Like. “OH god it took me too long to find a job, now I won’t be able to pay rent, then I’ll get kicked out, then all my shit will be thrown on the lawn and ruined because I have nowhere to go, then I’ll be addicted to drugs, and die in an alley somewhere”.

This is honestly how my anxiety works sometimes, as ridiculous as it sounds.

Well, I told you I’d be rambling for longer than 15 minutes. You’ll be able to tell which entries are for my “write for at least 15 a day” because I’ll title them with the date, and no lyrics or anything. Honestly, most of them I want to keep to around 15 minutes and certainly no longer than half an hour. Some of them might be snippets of song lyrics I write (as I can only write in snippets… don’t ask for a whole song because it won’t happen) or short story type things, I don’t know. Whatever I feel comfortable publishing. Even though nobody reads this, they can still stumble across it.

Meh. I shouldn’t be too annoyed that I have to work today because I have two whole days off in a row after today, which never happens anymore.

EDIT: Oops. I was reading yesterday’s entry back to myself, and I forgot that I texted dad and he told me to wait until tomorrow to show up at the old place, I figured that was prudent to include. So I get to put off emptying some boxes in my room until tomorrow morning. Score.

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