Aaaand peace of mind gone, temporarily.

Well, you know how prepared and calm I sounded just like an hour ago? Well, I’m panicking again. Not for any big reason, I’m not kicked out or anything, but my car battery is fucking dead.

See, before, we had to get a little switch for the battery to turn off at night, because the car’s interior lights wouldn’t turn off. Well, since the big 300 dollar repair, the interior lights had been turning off just fine, so I had just been leaving the switch connected. I guess last night I left a door ajar or something, because when I got in it to go to work, nothing, no inside lights turning on, and the engine wouldn’t even turn over.

I was supposed to meet dad at the old place tomorrow, but I guess he gets to meet me here first. I’m just really sad because I had to call in. Not only will it be batshit insane, because it’s a weekend and the store is in liquidation, I feel really shitty because I just had to leave them marooned. I know car trouble is one of those variables in life that sometimes happen, but I just feel like I’m letting them down. I know how much they need people, especially on busy days.

I guess I’m just so used to feeling like a failure in life, that whenever I reach even a minor little setback, I feel like the biggest failure on earth. This shit happens to everyone, I don’t know why I’m getting so upset over this.

Maybe it’s symbolic of life. You can be all ready to go, make up done, hair done, nice earrings on, and everything, and shit will still happen and occasionally you let people down, even if it’s not your fault.

But I don’t know. This is my biggest character flaw, I’ve been such a failure that every time I fail at something, even a little something, that’s it, I should just throw in the towel and stop trying.

This happens to everyone, but when it happens to me, it literally feels like someone died.

I overreact. Every time a tiny little thing like this happens, it feels like the world is going to end. I just feel so bad because I know they needed me at work and I have literally no way to get there. It’s only a 15 minute drive, but it’s way too far to walk, especially since I only have cheap tennis shoes (no boots) and I’m wearing a sweater as my winter coat right now, since my other one has a big hole in it and is dirty, and actually I left it at the old place anyway.

God it’s like why couldn’t this have happened some time when I don’t have two goddamn days off afterwards. Like if I worked tomorrow I wouldn’t feel so bad, but I have two goddamned days off after today, why the fuck did the car have to do this today?

Dad’s going to be home this evening because he has an appointment tomorrow morning, so I guess if I did work tomorrow, I would be able to get to work, but jesus christ, why did this have to happen now?

But life is like that, it nearly never picks convenient times to throw shit at you. That’s why it’s life and not some utopian fairy tale.

God I know I keep saying this over and over but I should be above this kind of shit by now. I was just hitting a point where I thought I had shit together but apparently all it takes to turn me into a panicking fucking mess is a car issue.

This is why I think I have some sort of panic disorder. It’s not because it’s trendy to have shit wrong with you and it’s not like I’m some hypochondriac who coughs and thinks OH JESUS I’M GONNA DIE, but one little thing happens, and I lose my shit. And then it ties in with my paranoia, and then I start going “Fuck, everyone at work is going to be so mad at me, the managers are so going to fire me and then I won’t be able to get unemployment, and then I won’t be able to pay rent, and then I’ll get kicked out”. Which ties in to something I talked about in my entry earlier.

I need to quit dwelling on it right now. Being pissed at myself isn’t going to magically power my car.

 

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