If I had a word to describe today, it would be that. I think it’s a combination of a lot of things. Mainly, I’m pretty sure it’s nearing that wonderful time I have every month. But I’m pretty sure removing fixtures and kicking up 30 year old dust at work doesn’t help.
Also, it’s just weird watching the place I work slowly empty. I don’t like big empty open spaces, so sometimes it freaks me out.
And, tomorrow, I’m finally going to completely clear out my room at the old place. I have tomorrow off, and Dad’s going to be in town until at least Friday. And I know it’s just a stupid old house, but we’ve lived there for 13 years. If you’d asked me just a few months ago how much longer I thought I’d be living there, I’d have said years.
But I mean, like I’ve said before, everyone had pretty much stagnated, and I was dying to get out of my parents’ house. I guess it’s just weird to be talking about the end of it with an actual time frame, not just that “maybe someday” talk.
It hit me at work today, and I actually asked if I could leave early. Work didn’t start out on the best foot though. I had only been there an hour and I had not only had a customer say “I’m not paying 11 dollars for a teeshirt” while doing the head wobble bitchy attitude thing, and when I asked a customer to repeat her phone number (after she and her companion argued about which phone number they thought her card was under) she said “Geez you’re crabby today”. Sorry, you just rattled off about 4 different digit combinations, how in the shit am I supposed to know which one you meant?
Work let me leave after 3 and a half hours, because honestly, towards the end there, I was on the verge of tears with every single customer and I just couldn’t concentrate. I felt like a piece of shit for leaving early, even though we had enough people coming in and it was pretty dead in there today. But I thought, why should I feel bad about that? I was having mental issues, so I left. They wouldn’t make me work if I was barfing or something, so having a bad mental health day shouldn’t be different.
But there’s all sorts of stigma with that and in a lot of ways, mental problems are still not taken seriously (i.e. you don’t look sick) but whatever. I’m sure I’m a handful to work with, and sometimes I wonder if they talk about me after I leave, but I think that’s just the paranoia talking.
I guess I’m lucky that I usually only get the fuck all bouts of depression when I’m around that time of the month but that sure as hell doesn’t make it any easier to deal with when I’m in them.
I don’t know, I guess today is just one of those days I wish I could start over because I feel like I tripped starting out and just never got back into the swing of things