mood swings can fuck off

Honestly. I don’t really have any other reason for writing this than I’m having some really irritating pms mood swings. And I’m trying to ignore my cramps, that aren’t as bad as they usually are but they’re threatening to get worse.

I’m back in one of these goddamned depressed mood swings. Like, being envious of someone else’s amazing experiences, and then my fucking mood swings are like “That would never happen to you, you live in fucking podunk Iowa, nothing ever fucking happens in Iowa… all the cool shit happens in like New York or California or something.”

Even though the weather should start getting nicer soon, I’m still just tired of Iowa. And like, shit. I’m gonna be here for a while. I just moved into this place. And when roommate #1 moves out, and roommate #2 moves in… roommate #2 is going to be here for at least two years. Which is a good thing, because I had been worrying about how long roommate #2 was going to be here, but I’m just kinda bummed out for no reason.

Like, I don’t want to shit all over my friend’s rocking good time she had last night, because honestly, it’s amazing as hell who she met and the night she had, but I’m sitting here going “Well fuck, that’d never happen to me.”. I had some awesome experiences, with meeting Howard Jones, and then Thomas Dolby, but her experience was way more amazing than mine were. It’s not competition or anything like that, I’m just so jealous.

I mean, I don’t want to downplay the experiences I had (because honestly sometimes I still freak out about meeting Thomas Dolby)… I’m super happy that my friend got to do all that stuff, I just wish I could have been there too,  and it’s really bumming me out because I live all the goddamn way out in Iowa, where shit like that doesn’t happen. Honestly, unless anyone I want to see is as close as Minneapolis, there’s no way in hell I could ever dream of being able to afford to go. I could barely afford Minneapolis at this point.

Most of this is just my pms mood swing talking because before stupid pms started I actually did feel okay but now I’m just all depressed and shit.

I thought this was going to help but now I’m just thinking of more reasons to be depressed.

I guess when certain actors or musicians’ work has been influential or important to me, I want to meet them SO BAD to be able to tell them (like I did with Dolby) that I just get really bummed out that I’ll probably never meet them.

And honestly, if the Dolby stuff was going on right now, there’s no way in hell I’d be able to afford it. Or I’d just barely be able to, but I’d literally be eating ramen at every meal for like a month. I guess it’s just the reality of this move and everything hitting me. I don’t have my parents to fall back on if I fuck up, it’ll be squarely on me, and we all saw how well that worked the last time my car fucked up. I’m just so poor. I literally have no money to fall back on if any of those expensive life events happen. I don’t even have a bank account, and when my pay card (how I get paid from work, works like a debit) expires in August, I won’t even have a debit card. I imagine I’ll have set up a checking account somewhere by then, but it’s just like, fuck, I’ve never had to consider all this adult shit before. And I mean, I have overall been happy being moved out of my parents house, I just miss not having to worry about all this stuff.

But I mean, shit, in 3 years I’ll be thirty fucking years old, so it’s about damn time.

God. I don’t want to be 30. I’m fucking getting old. Before I know it I’ll be sitting in the goddamn nursing home pissing in my depends, waiting to die.

I guess the main reason I’m afraid to get old is that, once my age starts showing, it’ll all be over. Suddenly it won’t be socially acceptable for me to piss my life away on the internet… it’ll just be creepy. It won’t be okay that I go see animated movies in the theatre by myself… people will just think it’s creepy. It won’t be okay for me to have posters and shit on my bedroom walls, it’ll just be creepy because I’ll be a goddamn adult with fucking wrinkles all over my face and grey hair, if I even have any left on my head by then.

I don’t know what I’m worried about because people still regularly mistake me for like 18-19 years old, but I’m just worried about how I’m going to handle it when I actually start getting wrinkles and looking old.

But like shit why should I care, most of the celebrities I worship are middle aged and it doesn’t bother me one fucking bit. And christ it’s not like life stops when you hit a certain age. I just don’t want to age. I’m sure everyone has gone through this. The FUCK I’M GETTING OLDER HOW CAN I MAKE IT STOP SO I CAN BE IMMORTAL shit. Well. Maybe not all of that. But the gist of it.

I don’t know, this is how my anxiety/panic disorder/whatever I actually fucking have works. I see one mildly inconvenient thing, and then my brain’s like, “But then THIS will happen, and then because of that, something else will happen, then BIGGER thing will happen, and then BIGGER THAN THAT thing will happen, THEN FUCK I’M GONNA DIE thing will happen”.

It’s like I’m paranoid because I’m paranoid. I’m paranoid I’m gonna die, so I stress over it, then because I’m so stressed all the time I’ll probably die when I’m like 35.

See, I’m doing it again.

I thought this was going to help more. I guess it did a little, but I’m still mood swingy and goddamn the tylenol I took did fuck all about these damn cramps.

I don’t remember where I put the ibuprofen I bought so yay, go me. I get to wait four fucking hours for my cramps to go away… which is sometimes how long it takes, even when I have ibuprofen, so it’ll probably be even longer than that. STELLAR.



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