Is it the 19th yet?

Work has stressed me out so much lately. I want to do up all my laundry and then hang it up/put it in my dresser as one is supposed to do. I want to get my room to a state where I can walk in and not have to climb over crap on the floor. I want to finish unpacking the stuff I want unpacked. I’ve done hardly anything since the move was made 100 percent official.

Honestly though I’m at my wit’s end when it comes to work. For the last three days, I’ve been wondering how the fuck I was going to survive each six hour shift, because about 2 hours in, I was ready to fucking die. It was pretty bad yesterday. It was either boring as shit with no customers, or full as hell with everyone having like 5 people in line at a time. And I had a headache for the last 3 hours of my shift. I almost asked to leave early but when I first wanted to ask someone was on break so that would have left them just one cashier… and by the time another cashier came in I only had a half hour of my shift left.

It was hell. I feel bad that when I get like that I am not myself. I’m crabby, grumpy, and probably a handful to deal with. I’m sure my coworkers talk about me when I’m not there, probably bitching about how much of a pain in the ass it is to work with me.

The real reason I never hang out with people is because I drag everyone down. I’m a negative piece of shit and I figure, I can drag myself down but I’ll leave everyone else with happy lives alone. I’m no fun to be around. I’m lazy, I’m needy, and I’m boring as fuck.

I only sound interesting on the internet, if even then.

I almost forgot, mom guilt tripped me over texts for not sending grandma a birthday card. Sorry, but after bills, gas, and food, I was literally all out of money 2 days after payday.

I didn’t mean to forget, but I’ve been stressed as hell lately; the only time I was probably more stressed in recent memory is when my car stalled when I was only half pulled over. My stress levels have been insane. I’m also having to deal with stuff I’ve never had to worry about before.

Sorry, but March was the first time I’ve ever had to worry about rent, about the electric bill and the water bill and everything else. Even though there’s a roommate so there are two people paying all these things, I’m still scared as hell that I won’t be able to do it and I’ll be left out on the street with nowhere to go.

My parents mean well but they’ve never understood my anxiety problem or just how bad it gets. There’s a lot about my brain they don’t understand. But really, how long have they known I’ve had issues remembering things? Even back when I was a kid, and all they said was ‘if it was important enough you’d remember’ and that always frustrated me because I forget shit, even important shit I would rather have remembered. With all this shit going on, with the moving, and me being stressed as hell at my job… I don’t need to be fucking guilt tripped for forgetting a goddamn birthday card.

I’ll send her one in a week when I get paid. There’s a reason there are belated birthday cards.

I just can’t deal with this. I work at 11 and I’m already about to cry because I just can’t handle that goddamn place anymore. I have no idea how I’m going to get through 2 six hour shifts before I get a day off.

But it’s like… I don’t call in and try not to leave early because after the 19th, I won’t have to deal with it. I just have no idea how I’m going to make it until then. I already want to die

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