So I had been intending to put up another blog entry for a few days, but that didn’t happen.
Last Friday, in the early evening, my mother came to pick me up for my sibling’s graduation which would be the next day (my parents now live probably an hour and a half away). It was great being back around everyone for a while.
The graduation thing went great, my sibling got an award, it was pretty darn awesome. But I was having a weird anxiety day with ALL the goddamn people around. But afterwards when everyone went out for light refreshments, once the crowd started thinning out I was all right. This anxiety shit doesn’t make any sense. Bah. Anyhoo. That went great, we all had fun.
I had originally intended to only stay like maybe Saturday and Sunday and that someone would be taking me back home on Monday some time. I kept saying, it doesn’t matter to me when I go back, I don’t really have a job right now. So I think it was mom that said I could stay for a couple more days if I wanted. Then my sibling suggested that they take me back home, and then just stay with me for a couple days. We’ve been saying since I moved out that there should be a time when they come over and stay for a few days and just veg out and play skyrim. We left my parents’ place on Wednesday afternoon.
My sibling has their heart set on going to a bar tonight, since I still really haven’t taken them since they’ve been of age (my sibling is now 22) and like, yesterday we had dinner with a couple of my sibling’s friends (who I get along with pretty well) and like… I know I haven’t taken my sibling out, but I don’t know if on our last day to veg out (sibling is going home like tomorrow afternoon) I want to like get drunk and have to sleep over at someone else’s house. I guess nothing is set in stone yet, since we don’t know if one of my sibling’s friends can get the night off work. I don’t want to sound mean but I almost hope she can’t get off work. Then honestly I would probably just take my sibling out and buy them a couple drinks, but not have anything myself so I can drive us home.
I know I sound weird, and I know all I do is sit at home and never go out, but there’s a reason I don’t do that. I don’t like people, the alcohol costs too much, it’s just not that fun of an experience for me. Maybe if this was a town where I wouldn’t worry about running into anyone I know, but I just don’t really relish the idea of going out. I would almost enjoy myself more if we just like bought like a couple six packs of like hard cider or something and just sat at home watching movies and whatnot.
Going out just gives me anxiety already and the plans aren’t even final yet. My self confidence about my appearance (mainly my body) is not exactly at an all time high and going out probably will not help any. As I recall, when I actually did go out (or when I washed dishes at a bar, and would stay after work to drink) the only people that ever hit on me are creepy old men. I mean, added to the fact that I am really not looking for any relationship of any kind, be it short or long term. Honestly, unless I’m like showing off my artwork or at a concert for one of my favorite artists or something, I really do not want attention of any kind. I am much more comfortable just observing shit from the background, and not feeling as if I’ve been put on the spot. But like I said, we already talked to my sibling’s friends, and I feel like it’s important to my sibling… but like I said I don’t want our last night to hang out to be spent drunk at someone else’s house because neither of us can drive home, and then waking up late in the morning the next day, being all hung over and shit when the sibling then has to worry about driving home. Maybe when the sibling gets up I can be like “Uh can we just meet them for one or two drinks and I won’t drink so I can drive home?”.
I feel bad for hoping that one of my sibling’s friends can’t get off work so we can just nix the entire plan and drink here at home while playing video games. Does that make me a bad person? I mean, we really can’t wait and just say “the next time you visit” because my sibling is going to have a job working for democrats in the state and from June clear until November. My sibling will be working 11 hour days, 7 days a week, and only has 3 available days off during that time.
I don’t know, maybe if we had more time, like if the sibling was spending a whole week here I wouldn’t care, but I’ve really never enjoyed going out. But I don’t want to be a party pooper because like I said, I feel like it’s important to the sibling that we go out. UGH. I don’t need to be worrying about this shit at 9:30 in the morning. I don’t want this bullshit anxiety to ruin my entire day.
Honestly though the main thing I’m stressing about is money. I don’t want to pay 4 bucks for one drink each when if I was drinking at home, 8 bucks would be more than enough to get me drunk for the evening. And that doesn’t include tipping the bartender, and if we would order drunk food.
But maybe I’m overthinking this. I would probably end up enjoying myself to a certain extent. UGH THAT’S ENOUGH. I’m done worrying about it this damn early in the morning. I’m going to drink some coffee, wake my sibling up, play skyrim, and enjoy my damn day.
EDIT: Fuck, I almost forgot. On Monday at 11am I have a job interview at a store that rhymes with BLARGET and whose employees wear red and khakis. I’m not naming them in case I actually do get the job, so they can’t find this blog if they do a google search. Unless they’re now at the level where they google things that rhyme with their store name, which I doubt.
I really hope I get this job. I mean, it would only be like 20-ish hours a week, but I just want enough to not have to worry about rent and bills. And I honestly haven’t sent a student loan payment in for months, so I would like to start doing that again. Honestly, the thing is threatening to default again.
I was just going to catch up on payments when my tax return came in, but I still haven’t seen a single tax related thing in the mail. I’m not going to start panicking just yet because I did send my tax return in the mail, and I know they take longer to come back in that way. And I also put this (newer) address on the thing, so I’m wondering if that didn’t throw them off and now they’re just taking a little longer to get my return back to me. I’m honestly not going to start freaking out/contacting people unless it’s getting towards the end of the month and I still haven’t gotten anything.
I really hope I get the job. I thought I did so well at the BLONKERS interview and I never heard anything back from them. And, when my sibling does leave on Saturday, whenever that is, I’ll be putting in my customary (at least) 2 job applications, as per unemployment guidelines.
ANYHOO. I’m getting off topic here. I just meant to mention the interview. OOPS