Meh.

I think I might have a problem with food.

I obviously don’t starve myself, and I never binge and purge but sometimes I feel like instead of being addicted to drugs I have an issue with food. I mean, sometimes I’m fine, but like, today, I’ve literally eaten 4 microwave burritos, a salad, a sandwich, two bowls of cereal, like 5 slices of cheese, and a bowl of melon. And I’ll probably eat some more melon later.

I mean, it might be PMS approaching, but I don’t know. There’s plenty in the house to do so I shouldn’t be eating out of boredom.

But like, I don’t know.  I don’t always do this, but I’m kind of annoyed. Here I want to try to start eating better and maybe losing some weight, but if this is how I’m going to act I may as well just resign myself to the fact that I’ll be an ugly fatass my entire life.

I just can’t help myself. I mean, the roommate and I never go hungry but I really don’t have the sort of budget to be eating like this. It’s like, the only way to get me to not eat shit is to literally get rid of all the food that isn’t a fruit or vegetable, and that’s not going to happen. And it wouldn’t be healthy for me anyway if I had literally nothing else.

But it’s like, how much do I hate myself that I start thinking “fuck, I wish I had an eating disorder, maybe I’d finally be able to lose some weight” which is a horrible thought to have. Mainly because people with eating disorders can and sometimes do DIE.

But it’s like, I don’t know what else to freaking do. It’s a good thing I’m paranoid of throwing up or I’d probably make myself throw up all the shit I just ate.

It’s like another one of those vicious cycle things. I have no energy and I feel like shit all the time, so I don’t have any energy to do anything or eat food that’s good for me, so I have no energy and feel like shit all the time.

But like, not even going vegetarian would help because my sibling has been vegetarian for an entire year and is at exactly the same weight, so it’s like… ugh.

And I can’t really go to anyone for help because they’d just be like “Well quit eating, fattie”. And then I go, well fuck, maybe if I had a drug problem people would want to help me. And that’s another horrible problem to wish I had. It’s just like, I’m in a shit mood so I eat, then I’m in a shit mood because I ate.

It’s like, am I ever going to actually like myself? I’m okay with myself as a person but for instance, I’ll see pictures of people around my size and go “Jesus that’s fucking disgusting, nobody wants to see your huge flabby stomach in a fucking two piece bathing suit” and it’s just like, I’m never going to be the size that I want.

Maybe I should just fucking go straight vegan with no like, boca burger type substitutes.

Idk. I’m just tired of constantly hating my huge fat disgusting ass. I’m glad we don’t have a scale here because I’m probably too fat for that to read anyway.

And then it’s like, fuck, even if there was some miracle that magically took away all the weight I don’t want, I’d probably still hate myself so I don’t know.

Honestly, today was a weak day as far as my self control with eating, but I am going to try to be better about it. I don’t want to fucking get diabetes, because I would probably die because there’s no way I’d be able to stab myself with a fucking needle multiple times a day.

And even then, it’s not even all about what I eat, but it’s like, I hate exercising in front of strangers, so a gym is out. My bike is two hours away at my parents house and is currently seatless, so that’s out. I’m too fucking lazy to walk anywhere because my feet and legs hurt so bad after I get off work, so it’s like, when I get home from work, I have to fucking hobble into the house and plop down on the couch.

Honestly I probably need better shoes because they’re tennis shoes but by the time I’m done with a not quite 6 hour shift, I have to hobble out to my car, and I just give no fucks at that point, I rip my shoes and socks off and drive home barefoot. My feet and legs still hurt and I’ve barely done anything today.

I mean, I know I’ve only been working for like, not quite 3 weeks, so it’ll take some time to get back into the swing of things, but it’s like…. I almost wish I had to do a paper route every morning. That was the only reason I lost weight that summer of 2011. I literally changed nothing else about my eating habits or anything, but I biked 5 miles a day.

But it’s like, first of all, I’d have to convince my parents to try to cram my bike into their car because my sibling has the truck with them where they live (because their car finally died for good), then I’d have to convince them to drive 2 hours to give me my bike. Then, on top of all that, I’d have to get a new bike seat. And I just really cannot afford that. And what would I do once winter hit? I don’t have the fucking resolve to ride an exercise bike (we don’t have one anyway) and I don’t have the resolve to actually do like BS workout dvds, so in the winter I’d just gain all the weight back anyway.

Idk. I think I might be nearing PMS because lately I’ve felt depressed for no good reason and that’s usually what happens in the days leading up to PMS.

And I actually just remembered another reason I should be stressing, if PMS is coming up, I’ll need pads, and I’m pretty fucking broke right now.

It’s like, I know I really can’t afford all this Halloween shit I want to do, but it’s just something that I have to do. If there are bills paid late, then whatever. So long as they don’t turn shit off.

Idk. I’ll feel a lot better about the Halloween shit this Friday when I get paid, and when I’m going to be buying the greyhound ticket to CA. Then, it’s like, I can wait a little while to buy the ticket back home. Even if the price for it goes up a little, I’ll have more time to put money away.

The next time I work (not tomorrow, but Wednesday) I’m thinking of telling the HR lady (or whatever her title is) that I want to be scheduled for as many hours as they can possibly schedule me for. I want them to know they can call me whenever a cashier calls in and I will always take it from now on (I’ve worked a total of 2 shifts when someone called in, there was a third I didn’t take because I was exhausted). So I’m sure they already know I’m someone they can call.

It’s just like, I need as many hours as humanly possible if I’m going to be able to afford rent, bills, and this Halloween shit.

Ugh. I need to find a distraction.

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