Anxiety again.

And I haven’t even had a shit ton of caffeine this time.

Roommate #2 told me that her sister asked her if she’d want to possibly get an apartment with her. Because apparently roommate #2’s sister is in a toxic relationship and needs out.

Now obviously, roommate #2’s sister just mentioned it in passing, and this is the first they’ve ever talked about it, but I’m like, fuck, this is exactly what my anxiety didn’t need to hear.

I thought when I moved in here at the end of February that I could quit worrying about finding a place. Then roommate #1 got engaged (she’s now married) and it’s like… what the hell.

I know I don’t need to be worrying about it just yet because it’s not like roommate #2 is moving out tomorrow or anything.

But it’s like… what the fuck. I know there are local apartments where your rent is based on your income. If roommate #2 did get a place with her sister, I’d be looking at those.

But it’s like…what if they’re full? Then where the hell will I go? I don’t have friends anymore, I really don’t. All my friends are married and have kids. I don’t know anyone well enough to be all “Hey can I live with you?”.

And like, if worst came to worst and I had no other options, I don’t know that my parents would even let me move back in with them. They’re making less money than they used to. Even if I did a bunch of housework, they would not tolerate me not having a job, even if I was looking.

So it’s like, fuck. With roommate #1 married, and the possibility of roommate #2 getting a place with her sister… what the fuck will I do?

I mean, even if I was able to get the income based housing, there’s still the matter of moving all my shit all over again. I don’t know how to take apart my bedframe, and I don’t have a truck so I don’t know how I’d move my mattress or my dresser.

I didn’t know when I moved in in late February that everything would be so up in the fucking air. I thought I had a guaranteed place for a while and that I wouldn’t have to worry about it.

And like suppose I do get the income based housing. There will literally be nobody else to ask for help. I mean here, I have a roommate that I can ask if I’m falling a little short on rent. My parents have already said they’re not loaning me any more money, so that’s out. And like I said, I don’t have good enough friends anymore to have them spot me money, or let me stay with them.

I know I’m just being overly emotional because I’m probably about to start PMS, and I was already on edge because of rude customers at work.

My anxiety can’t handle all this up in the air maybe shit. I mean, I was lucky enough to find out that roommate #1 needed a roommate when she did, because I literally have no idea where I’d be now if that hadn’t happened, but like… what do I do if roommate #1 is married and not moving back in, and if roommate #2 finds a place with her sister? I honestly don’t know what else I’d do apart from asking roommate #1’s mom if I could stay there until I found somewhere to go.

Like, I had a lengthy chat with roommate #2 about this stuff, and she’s used to how much anxiety I have by now, and I know I’m freaking out for no reason right now, but it’s just like… I don’t want to deal with this anymore.   I need to see if I’m eligible for discounted or free mental health center sessions because at this amount of anxiety all the time, I will honestly be surprised if I hit my 30th birthday, and I’m 27 right now.

Like I said, I was already on edge because of rude customers at work. I got bitched at because this one lady thought her boots were like, 15 bucks and they were really 45. Yeah, there was a sticker on the shoebox that said 15 bucks, but the tag on the boot said 45, and they were in the correct box. I even called the shoe person to confirm. At this point, so many hours later, I don’t even remember exactly what the woman said to me.

I just felt like I kept messing up at work. One dude bought like, word find books, and we had to wait ages for a price check and the people behind the guy in line were getting impatient, and I was sweating a ton.

I know it’s a new job and I’ve barely started my 4th week there so like, it takes time to get used to it, but it’s just like… I don’t want to work retail. I’m forced to because it’s all I can find, but I just hate it. I would give anything to be a stupid dishwasher again. That’s how high my goals are. “Fuck retail, I wish I could wash dishes for a living again that’d really be something”.

I’m so insecure at this job, I keep asking coworkers if I’m doing everything okay and apologizing when I have to ask a question, especially if they’ve answered it for me before.

My memory is horrible. It was bad before, but I’ve read that stress and not getting the proper amount of sleep can make it even worse.

I don’t know. I work at 9:30 tomorrow morning so I don’t want to be sitting at the computer all night debating this shit to myself.

It’s just that, I don’t know. Look at my life. I never go out anymore because my friends are either married with kids or don’t live around here. I don’t draw nearly as much as I used to. I never take pictures anymore, save for petty instagram pictures of the cats. I haven’t spent a significant amount of time outside this entire year. I haven’t been to the park, I haven’t been to the lake once since we moved. I play video games and piss around on the internet all day for a distraction.

I feel like, I’m just tired of living and want to be done, but since I’m such a huge wuss, I’m just here, taking up space, not doing anything worthwhile. Anything I do can be just as easily done better by someone else, so it’s like, why am I even here? I’m just taking up space that could be used for someone who is actually worth something.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s