I wish I hadn’t said I would work.

I slept weird last night. I had to get up 3 times to go to the bathroom, because it’s one of those days during PMS. So I’m really looking forward to, in less than an hour, having to leave for a job where part of the uniform is KHAKI PANTS. Wearing light colored pants when bleeding is kind of a phobia of mine. I’m literally thinking of wearing two pairs of underwear.

And of course, I’m sitting here getting cramps, right before I have to go to a job I hate so that’s going to be fun. And it’s a fucking longass shift today too, like, I think the lady on the phone yesterday said like 11-7. Which, I get at least a half hour break and a 15 minute break, and I might actually get another 15 minute break. So I wouldn’t technically be working much longer than I usually do anyway, but it’s like, fuck, there goes my entire day. And like really, even though I turned down their last offer to fill in for someone who called in, I should have known. The second day of my shark week is usually the worst in regards to cramping and heaviness and whatnot and here I am about to put on LIGHT COLORED PANTS on my heaviest day. GREAT

I really wish I hadn’t taken this shift. I’m going to be bitchier than normal, at a job I already can’t stand.

One of the applications I filled out a couple days ago sent a mass email and was all “We’re looking for people for a part time position come in if you’re interested” and I’m like, that’s bullshit. I’m not interested in a part time position. I’m interested in a full time position. I’m not looking for this job, AND a shitty part time job. I’m interested in full time so I can quit my current job.

I don’t know,  even peace of mind that I don’t have to freak out about rent isn’t worth working this stupid, shitty job. I hate wearing a uniform to work (well, only the shirt is company issued, the khakis can be whatever) because a big part of how I express myself is through clothing, and I just feel fucking stifled and imprisoned in a uniform. And while piercings and tattoos are allowed there, you can’t dye your hair weird hair colors, and uh sorry, why am I letting my workplace dictate to me what I can and can’t do with my body anyway? Nobody should let their employers tell them what they can and can’t do with their bodies.

I shouldn’t have to “just put up with it” because it’s a job, and neither should anyone else.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m not about to quit over the fact that I can’t dye my hair orange or anything, but I’m just in a shit mood because I’m going to be forced to stick with a job I already hate though I’ve only been there a month, with no hope of getting a job one day that I’ll actually enjoy. I’ll never be one of those people who gets to do what they love as a living. It’ll always be a hobby that I do if I’m not too emotionally drained from working a shit retail job, which I usually am. I almost never draw anymore, and unless it’s instagram pictures of the cats or whatever, I almost never take pictures anymore. The stress has just sucked all the creativity right out of me. I have trouble doing things I used to enjoy. I haven’t taken one walk this year that wasn’t like, to the convenience store when my car wasn’t working. I don’t go out into nature and take pictures anymore. I never cook anymore (other than like, eggs or boxed pasta or whatever), I haven’t baked anything in like 2 months, I just don’t have the energy or the motivation for anything.

Even the internet and video games are just something to keep me momentarily occupied so I’m not just constantly sitting here thinking about how much I hate my job. Occasionally I lament about my job WHILE on the internet, like now.

God I really wish I hadn’t taken the shift today. If I hadn’t, I could just lie down on the couch and put a movie in and wait for these cramps to go away, but no, I had to fucking take the goddamn shift. Like why do they think they can call me every single day I have off and ask me to work? I may  not have much of a life but I still have a life outside of work. Yeah, I have to work, or I wouldn’t be able to afford anything, but work is not my whole fucking life.

I’m still going to take just about every other shift they offer (not every single one), but I think I might be getting to the point where if they call and I recognize the number before picking up, I’ll just let it ring. Most of the time I’ve got my phone on silent anyway and it’s only by chance that I glanced at my phone right as they were calling.

I mean, I appreciate the extra hours, but sometimes I just want a day off. Just a day off without having to worry about the fact that I turned them down for an extra shift. Like, I thought this place was better organized than that, but how well organized are they if they have someone call in every single day and where in a month I’m about to work my 4th unscheduled shift?

I’m kind of wishing I’d said no also because, the movies I was going to return on Saturday are overdue, because I forgot the library closes at 5 on Saturday and I didn’t get off work until 7 on Saturday. Today I was finally going to go get a prepaid visa card and buy my bus ticket to CA, which I have to go to the library to print off since we don’t own a printer. And I mean, if I only work until 7 I can do all that stuff quick after I get off work, but that was really all I was going to do today. Now I have to suffer through a fucking long ass shift at a job I hate, with cramps and everything.

God I just really hate this job. I don’t want to work here anymore. I think here on this blog from now on I’m even going to avoid calling work by a name that’s close enough for people to figure it out. I haven’t put it on my facebook either like I did with Kfart.

I mean, it’s better than having no job at all, but I just can’t stand it. I just want to cry the entire time I’m forced to be there. I just can’t take another like 50  or whatever years of this shit before I’d be able to retire. I don’t want this to be the rest of my life but it probably will be. There are a ton of unskilled shitty workers who never get to work a job they enjoy, so why should I be any different

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