Annoyed again.

So last night roommate #1 said she’d be over about 7am to clean the basement in case the landlord decides to come over. Like it wasn’t already hard enough to get to sleep worrying about that, and she was not clear about the him coming over bit. Did he say he was thinking of coming over, or is that an idea you just had by yourself?

Anyhoo, I set my alarm to 7am, am rudely woken from a dream, I turn the computer on, only to discover that at about 5am this morning she sent me an fb message saying “I might be over at 8 or 9, helping my husband’s mom move some stuff bc she’s going to have guests later” and I’m like…. really. I got up at 7am on my day off for you. I can’t go back to bed because once I wake up and see it’s light out, that’s it, unless I’m sick or drunk, I literally can’t go back to sleep.

I mean, I usually get up around 8 anyway but it’s like, I stumble in here still half asleep and I could have been in bed for another hour.

I love this roommate but sometimes I feel like she doesn’t ever do what she says she’s going to do.

Like, yeah, I get it, she has a ton of stuff to worry about, and on top of that, she’s married now, and I believe she still works 2 jobs. I mean, whatever. But without a working phone, she’s very hard to get a hold of.

She’s been promising to clean the basement for ages and it hasn’t been cleaned yet, so part of me is even doubting her showing up here at all today.

But speaking of the whole “landlord was fined because the city had to mow our lawn bc of a complaint” thing, apparently, we were supposed to have gotten a letter in the mail warning us of this and we didn’t get a goddamn thing from the city, except for our normal water bill.

I was just getting to a point where I felt okay. I was like, okay, I have a job, I can do this, but now it’s all fucking overwhelming me again. I hadn’t counted on owing an extra almost 40 bucks on top of bills and rent this month, which I now don’t know if I’ll be able to afford. The next check I get better be fucking good, because not only will it have to cover the entire 200 for my rent, but also bills and shit. So I’ll probably be screwed. I just took another look at the energy bill and if it’s not paid in 5 days we could get service disconnected. I don’t get paid until not this Friday but the Friday after that.

Roommate #1 was never good about this shit, and now we have all the late shit in addition to this month’s bills. I had bought a prepaid credit card to buy that stupid greyhound bus ticket for my halloween trip so now that’s 115 dollars that I now can’t get back in cash. Although I mean, I think you can pay these sorts of bills with a card but, can you pay with partly a card and partly something else? But then what would I do about my bus ticket? I suppose what I could do is pay for my half of the alliant bill, and leave whatever else on the card, and then just take the other half of what I’d need for the ticket out of my next paycheck, but then will I be able to pay my whole part of the rent? And can the people at the bus station even take two different forms of payment? Because I’m going to be super pissed if I get all the way to the damn bus station 15 minutes away and they tell me I can’t pay with two different forms of payment.

All the bills and shit are still in roommate #1’s name. We need to get this shit figured out when (if) she comes over today like she said she would. Can we get shit put into my name so we don’t have to just rely on you telling us when shit is due? And with us having to wonder if we can open mail with your name on it or not?

This will be a fucking grand day off, because I’ll be fucking worrying myself to death all day long.

And wait, for the energy bill, is there even an office for us to go into to pay this shit? Otherwise how the fuck would half of the money for it come off a prepaid credit card, and half be cash or whatever roommate #2 has?

I would have just put off buying the damn prepaid card if I knew I had to wait until next payday to get the stupid bus ticket anyway. I really don’t want work to call me today to work because I need a goddamn day off for my sanity after two like 7 and a half hour shifts when I’m not used to working that long (yeah I know, lots of people work longer shifts, blah blah fucking blah, go bitch to someone else) but like, fuck, with all this shit going down, I almost wish they would call me. They were going to ask me to work Friday but she realized mid call that she had already gotten someone else to work it, and I’m almost hoping someone else calls in so they can ask me to come in.

I can’t fucking live like this. Just when I’m relaxing, more shit happens, and I just can’t live like this anymore. The constant stress is affecting my sleep, affecting my mood, fucking with my already bad memory, I can’t remember the last time I was actually happy, I never want to do anything, even shit I need to do… jesus christ, how do people do this without fucking blowing their brains out? Because I really don’t know anymore.

Is it different for people that don’t have anxiety? Because the thing about how my anxiety manifests itself… I start out with one thing I should be mildly concerned about, then it just gets out of hand until I’m sitting here crying unable to fucking think about anything else.

Like can we negotiate with the energy people? Because I don’t get paid again for another week and a half and the bill I have right here is saying we could get service cut off in 5 days if we don’t pay.

I just want to fucking stop existing and get it over with. Dead people don’t have to worry about paying bills


EDIT, 1:16pm. Well, the basement isn’t cleaned. Roommate #1 had to be somewhere at 1, so she just came over and roommate #1, #2, and I just talked about stuff. She’s supposed to be back over here Friday, and I’m hoping that’s when we discuss the energy bill which has to be paid on or before the 21st or we could get service disconnected, as I said before. And roommate #1 told me I should still do all the halloween stuff that I’ve planned, because I had expressed concern that maybe I just can’t afford it, but I’ll still have to wait longer than I wanted to to get the bus tickets paid for. If I have to use half of what’s on the prepaid credit card I bought to pay my part of the energy bill, whatever, I’ll just wait until the payday after next to actually buy the ticket. Either way, the absolute latest I’m going to be buying the ticket back home is the first week of September, because I’ll still be well within the advance purchase time window.

Work shouldn’t be calling me today about covering a shift but if they ask me to work on Friday, I would probably take it, even though the roommate #1 is planning on coming over.

I think that unless me taking a shift for someone would mean I worked like, a bunch of days in a row without a day off, I’ll probably take the rest of the extra shifts they offer me. I still just can’t get over how slowly time passes at that place. Honestly.

Anyway I’m done worrying about it for now, until my next episode of inconsolable anxiety happens, so whatever


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