Can’t say I didn’t see that coming.

Apparently I’ve been so stressed the past couple of weeks that lots of customers and coworkers have complained about my attitude. Sorry if I’m not shitting rainbows and sunshine when I don’t know if I’m going to be able to pay rent or any of my bills this month, or if I might have to move all my shit for the second time in half a year if I have to get an apartment.

I mean I’ve still got a job and everything, but really, this isn’t what I needed to hear right now. I mean better to hear it and keep my job but really? How do I explain to them the predicament I’m in? I hate my job more than I’ve ever hated anything, but I also really can’t afford not to have it. The hr lady helped me print off my paystubs in case this is something I need for the income based apartments, if it comes to that, and she gave me a brochure with some numbers to call regarding rent assistance type things. I don’t know how much this will help, and honestly I’ve gotten so bad where I don’t want to do anything at all.

Sure going outside helps depression but how can it help me when I’m too depressed to fucking go outside? I’m honestly surprised I’ve been able to force myself to go to work.

I’m sick of not feeling like myself, but how can I get a damn shrink when I’m uninsured and poor? And I probably make too much money to qualify for the programs I really need. It’ll be just like college. I didn’t qualify for a study program I really needed because both my parents had college degrees and because I wasn’t retarded. How is it in the supposed greatest country in the world, people who really need help “make too much” to qualify for assistance, but still can’t make it on their own? I’m surprised I qualified for an EBT card, to be honest. Is it this hard for everyone? Because I’m not a person any more. As cliche as this sounds, I’m empty. I’m an empty shell of a person who barely functions anymore. I get up, play sims 2 for hours, maybe remember to eat breakfast, begrudgingly drag my ass to work for 5 and a half hours, then drag myself home, eat dinner, and play sims until passing out for the night.

I’m not addicted to anything, I just need the distraction so I don’t fall back into old self harming habits. I’m lucky I’m too poor to afford very much alcohol or who knows if I’d have issues with that too.

Idk. I feel like a piece of roadkill stuck to a semi truck’s tires and I just keep getting run over and flattened some more but can’t seem to dislodge from the wheel. That’s exactly what I feel like.

My friend from California said that if I hadn’t bought my return ticket for the Halloween shenanigans by the end of this month that she would buy it. Honestly, she might have to. I would be paying her back what I could for it, because she’s done a ton for me already.

I mean, I’m glad we planned this and all but all things considered I probably shouldn’t even have bought the concert ticket in the first place. I really can’t afford it. Seriously though, I’m glad it’s all going to happen because lately I can’t seem to think of many more reasons to stay alive. That sounds dramatic, and maybe it is, because I’m too much of a pussy to even self harm, how the hell would I actually off myself? It’s probably a good thing I’m such a fucking scaredy cat or I’d probably be dead.

I’m at the library because internet at home has quit working again, although if that’s my shitty old computer or the fact that we didn’t pay the mediacom bill, I’m not sure. I don’t care, mediacom can shut off our service, I can’t really afford 40 bucks a month for internet or whatever it is, plus it’s still in former roommate’s name. So she gets to deal with it. Whatever. I’m almost hoping I can get one of those income based apartments so I don’t have to deal with this whole stressful fucked up  housing situation with former roommate and the landlord and everything.

The only thing I’m worried about is what if those income based apartments need a security deposit? I really don’t have any money just fucking set aside for that sort of thing.

So I’m almost hoping that potential roommate says she can’t move. I mean, if she can, great, but I’m still going to apply for shit.

I’m just tired of being depressed or stressed 24 hours a day.  Anyway I need to go pick up a couple things at the grocery store, and I’d really just like to get home.

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