I’m really not okay.

My former roommate’s mom is letting me crash at her place tonight. She’s also letting me use her computer, which is why I’m even able to write this now, and not just in a notepad document on my computer or something.

I called in to work today, since I’ve either been forced to scramble for rides or walk to work since my car doesn’t work right now and the repair people still have not called for a tow.

I thought I put in for the 22nd through the 24th off, but I guess I only put in for the 24th off. Work switched to a new weird scheduling system and I really didn’t understand how to put in for time off, everyone was sort of learning. Of course I didn’t discover this until after I fucking called in. If I knew that, I would have just sucked it up and gone to work today, so I could just call in on one of those days. That caused me a huge panic attack. That combined with the fact that the electric people were going to shut off my power tomorrow if the bill wasn’t paid. Former roommate said yesterday she was going to stop by my house and pick up the money but it was like 5pm and she still hadn’t showed up and wasn’t responding to facebook messages, and I just fucking lost it. I was wailing crying, gulping for air, the whole 9 yards.

I only saw former roommate for like a minute yesterday. Former roommate 2 had come over to do some laundry and locked the door, locking me out of the house, so I hung out at former roommate’s mom’s house like a block away. Former roommate 1 stopped by to give me a key so I could get in my house.

Anyway, former roommate’s mom happened to respond to my facebook message. I asked if I could come over again and hang out and she said she didn’t mind. I know it’s a bit strange to go from me really wanting to sleep in my own bed last night to not wanting to be in my house at all tonight, but sometimes I just can’t be in that house. Plus it’s super hot in my house with no ac.

Anyway, she had tried to call former roommate and she wasn’t answering. Long story short, I gave the cash to former roommate’s mom, and she went ahead and paid with her bank account. Then of course former roommate decides to respond on facebook saying she’ll call tomorrow and get her name taken off the bill, and she’ll stop by and get the money. I was about to respond when former roommate’s mom told me not to, that it was time for former roommate to start taking care of shit and such. So I didn’t. I’m paranoid but she had a point. It’s time for former roommate to wait around and wonder if I read the message on facebook even if it said I “saw” the message. She can show up at my house and be perplexed that I’m not there.

I’m just so sick of people treating me like garbage. I thought both my former roommates promised they’d never just dump me on my own but that’s exactly what they’re doing. On that note, former roommate 2 has not stopped by and dropped off what she was going to put towards the electric bill so that entire thing came out of MY pocket.

So yeah, it was all of that shit factoring into my panic attack. That’s also a reason I called in. I have tomorrow off anyway, but I need a couple of days for my fucking sanity. Also because my legs really hurt from walking to work. It’s 2 miles one way. One day I walked there and back myself. Another day I had walked halfway there but former roommate’s mom noticed me walking and drove me the rest of the way. One day I only walked one way and had a friend drop me off at home. This is how out of shape I am.

Dammit my hands already hurt and I haven’t even gotten to the reason I wanted to write this yet.

It’s because, as all this shit is going on, I have to deal with losing my favorite comedian of all time and it has affected me more than I think a death in the family would. It feels stupid but I honestly have taken Robin Williams’ passing really hard. I know it was only partly because I was still PMSing when I heard the news, plus all this life stress, but… It’s been almost a week, and I’m still fucking crying like I just heard the news. Here is a man who brought joy to so many people, who did so many kind things for others, and yet his mental health was still suffering. It was hard to hear because I’ve been having such a hard time, and it’s like, fuck, if a guy with all these resources and friends to help, if he couldn’t deal with it, how the fuck am I going to?  It wasn’t his time to go. I would take his place in a heartbeat if I would. All I’d ask the universe is time to have a conversation with him, then I’d gladly take his place.

Ever since I was a kid, his work has been present in my life. Ever since a bit on sesame street asking if a shoe was alive. Ever since the movie FernGully:The Last Rainforest. Aladdin of course. So many other movies like Flubber, Jumanji, etc. As a kid I used to say the two weirdest guys on earth were my dad and Robin Williams. His stand up routines have gotten me through some boring ass dishwashing shifts at my old job. My college friends and I used to watch his Live on Broadway bit all the time. Just a week or two ago I was watching an old bit of him when he was on Craig Ferguson’s show, and I lamented on facebook about missing his 80s stand up comedy. I never thought that just a few days later he would be gone. It’s just sad to think that someone whose work has been so present in my life is gone. I’d love to go on and on about how much I loved this guy and how much I’m going to miss him but I’m exhausted from everything. I’ll probably speak at length and more eloquently about him another time, but I can’t do any more right now.

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