Meh. Things haven’t been going good or bad… they’ve just been going. I still don’t have a job and we’re a week into December, and I’m constantly reminded of how bad I need a job. I understand, I used to act like a piece of shit so I suppose my folks still expect me to act that way.
My anxiety/mental problems are all over the place. Sometimes I’ll have a really good day and be like, “See, I’m fine, I don’t have problems”, and then I’ll have an evening like last night, with my brain having to turn an innocuous embarrassment into a huge production.
Mom was scooping out gelato in ice cream cones for everyone, and she handed me one to give to my sibling, but I thought it was mine and took a bite. She didn’t even make a big deal about it but I just got this embarrassed feeling all over. After that I repeated I didn’t want it anymore a couple times and stuck mine in the freezer. My mom told me to stop being so dramatic (although it wasn’t said in a disrespectful tone or anything) and as I was going upstairs my dad yelled after me “You need to stop acting this way YOU CAN CHOOSE TO BE DIFFERENT”. I didn’t come back downstairs until this morning. I went to bed at like 8:30.
I know I’m a huge pain in the ass to deal with. I feel like a huge burden on everyone I know, every single day. But I was just so incredibly insulted by what dad said. I can choose to be different? I guess my anxiety is cured! Praise the lord! I no longer feel like a burden on everyone’s life! Urge to self harm gone! Why didn’t I think of that?!
Does he think it’s fun to live this way? The amount of anxiety I get at the prospect of having to make a phone call is probably the amount normal people have after a car crash. Honestly, it’s so hard just to do the simple every day things, and when other people interpret it as a conscious choice, or as me being lazy or something else, I punish myself for it (not like Dobby in Harry Potter, just like mentally). I think a lot of what my problem is is believing that when someone else thinks something, it’s magically true. Someone says you’re lazy? Great, you’re a lazy piece of shit and why can’t you just be normal and function like a normal adult.
I never used to be this bad, but when I look back on my life, I realize I’ve always had some degree of these problems, but I feel like a lot of this stuff really came to the surface and intensified right around the time that I heard about Robin Williams dying (obviously not the cause, but it’s just how I remember around the time that things really started getting worse).
I made a lot of shitty decisions, and a lot of shit happened to me that was out of my control.
I don’t want to use my problems as an excuse never to do anything, but when my mom asks me to do a laundry list of chores while she’s at work, the small sane part of my brain totally understands that as long as I don’t have a job I should be contributing something, but the rest of my brain wonders how they expect me to get so much done when it’s such a chore just to get myself in the shower. I’ve been accused of being addicted to video games, but I’m really not, it’s just a distraction. And more often than not I don’t even want to play video games. It’s such an empty feeling, not being in the mood to do ANYTHING. Not even shit you should be doing. I’ll get into funks where I literally don’t feel like doing anything. Don’t feel like cleaning anything in the house. Don’t feel like cooking something. Don’t feel like organizing my clothes. Don’t feel like reading, drawing, playing video games, watching a movie…Don’t feel like applying for jobs online. Don’t feel like going out and looking for a job. I’ll just sit there with this empty feeling of not wanting to do a single goddamn thing, but being too pussy to kill yourself. It’s a weird feeling, to have basically lost your will to live and at the same time be too afraid to die.
I imagine it’s just an aspect of depression, but it’s like, more often than not I’ve lost my will to do anything because it all feels hopeless, so what’s the point of doing it.
I realize that what I need from people might be unfair. How can I expect so much support out of people when they have their own lives and their own problems, and don’t need me on top of all of that, but the fact is that I can’t support myself right now, mentally or financially. It pains me to say that at 28 I still need my parents, or some type of guardian.
I’m actually thinking of filing for disability, if I can manage to get a concrete diagnosis of some sort. I want to be earning money, but god right now it’s a big production just to force myself to go to the local grocery store less than a mile away. I realize I can’t use my problems as an excuse to never leave my house, but I’m honestly tearing up and starting to panic just imagining myself working right now.
And I mean, maybe I should feel like a piece of shit. There are hundreds of thousands of people that deal with way more shit than me with far fewer problems than I’m having, and they’re surviving just fine.
I suppose that I should try to find literature and resources for my parents to maybe better understand what problems I’m having, but I’m so emotionally and physically exhausted every single day that more often than not it’s even a chore to get myself to do things I enjoy, let alone necessary, less pleasant everyday life things.
I guess it’s a good thing that I’m becoming more self aware of issues I might have, but I feel like counting that as an accomplishment is a cop out. Just because I see a problem doesn’t mean I’m actually trying to fix it. I just don’t know. It sounds like a cliche but I just feel like a broken person. Without much of a will to keep going, but without any sort of will at all to die.