Well, here we are again.

It’s pretty rare that I publish this many entries in such quick succession, but much like  yesterday, I’m bored and not ready to leave the library.

I’m afraid I can’t promise this will be super interesting or anything, but it’s a way to pass the time.

I’m trying to get into a routine where I go to the library every day and apply for at least one job (today I applied at 2 different locations of the same dollar type store).

Okay, yesterday I vacuumed the living room, and around my cat’s litterbox, and did a couple small sinkloads of dishes, and did one load of laundry.

Well, it’s not quite 10:30 today and I’ve already vacuumed my kitchen, and my basement stairs. And washed/hung up a load of laundry. I’ll be doing the dishes later. I have like 4 ears of corn that are going to go bad pretty soon if I don’t use them.

Tomorrow, I want to use the edge tool and vacuum the couple corners of the living room I missed, and the corners of the kitchen, but my main focus for tomorrow is going to be cleaning my bathroom.

Actually, also later today I want to get my living room in a state fit to be seen by other human beings, even though it’s likely nobody will even see it except my parents. But at least I won’t to be embarrassed the next time the neighbor knocks on my door and tells me I left my keys in the lock again.

Tidying up that room shouldn’t take very long, it’s more or less just a matter of arranging things so they look nice and not like they were just shoved on a shelf or something. I’m honestly not too worried about what the kitchen looks like for now, since when I’m home I spend about 95% of my waking hours in the living room. My bedroom, for now I’m resigning to the fact that it’s just going to have to look like a tornado hit. I close my bedroom door when I have company over anyway, so that’s not important.

Like I said yesterday, I have to take this one day at a time. It would perhaps be easier to just take one day and go to fucking TOWN cleaning my entire apartment, but that’s a pretty daunting task for someone who, when depression hits, has to force themselves to shower and brush their teeth. And for someone who’s been messy since they were literally six years old (I had a bunk bed when I was six, and I recall one of my parents telling me to get everything off the floor, so I threw all the toys on my bottom bunk, and other parent walked in and said “well you did say to get it off the floor”).

I really struggle with not comparing myself to others, since I could always be doing so much more, and I constantly see others accomplishing so much more with so much less time. Honestly just saying that gave me a minor anxiety spike. It seems so easy to set it off these days. Maybe not to the point where I’m sobbing and wailing, or unable to get anything done in the house, but as I told my therapist, it seems to be a vibration, a low hum constantly playing underneath everything I do. I’m able to kind of enjoy things, but most of the time, everything is subdued. That could be due to my antidepressant, and I suppose it’s better to have everything a little subdued than to sob and wail for half an hour because you forgot to send the internet bill in last month

I still don’t trust the rare times when I’m feeling good either, like at the back of my mind I’m wondering what important thing I’ve forgotten, or I’m thinking there’s some terrible, life changing news I just haven’t heard yet. It’s very rare that I have a really good day, where I start feeling like a “normal” person again (normal in quotes because come on was I ever REALLY normal?). I mean, it does happen once in a great while, but I’m having trouble with just enjoying a day if there’s nothing to worry about.

Like today. Could I have done more, yeah, we’ve been through this. But I basically vacuumed an entire room, showered/got dressed, did a load of laundry, walked to the library, and applied for two jobs, all before 10:30 in the morning. I think I’m doing pretty good.

I still struggle a little bit hearing my dad’s voice in my head from years ago (when I was a huge piece of shit, instead of just a little shit) about how if it was him he’d hit the pavement and be out all day looking for jobs not just ‘sitting on his ass’ filling in apps online. Even if there was advice of my parents’ I should have probably taken into consideration back then, it still amuses me about the “hitting the pavement” part. I recall one instance when I set out to do just that, and of all the places I went to in a couple hours, only a couple of them had paper applications, the rest told me to do it online. My dad’s pretty progressive in a lot of ways, but in some ways he’s still old fashioned. And he doesn’t understand social anxiety the way he claims to. I’m legitimately getting anxious just picturing myself walking into a place and asking for an application. It’s much easier for me to do this stuff online. They’re not “excuses” so I don’t have to do something (or that I think I’m ‘too good’ for certain things), they’re reasons. I have mental illnesses and I don’t believe it’s just limited to anxiety and depression. There are things I literally cannot do, or would honestly rather endure bodily harm to avoid (I would never hurt myself to get out of doing something, it’s just meant to illustrate the point).

I also have physical limitations that my parents don’t completely understand. Yes, I’m fat, yes I’m lazy, yes all of this shit is my fault, but as a result I have issues with my knees, and my back (I had back strain on the job as a housekeeper in 2007), and these things can make some jobs impossible. Like the job apps that ask if you can lift 50 pounds regularly. Even though I click the yes dialogue box, they’d find out soon enough what I can and can’t do. My mom means well, but I can’t express even the slightest issue with not being happy with my weight because all she says is “Well you have the power to change that” which is obviously right, but that’s not really what I need to hear at that moment.  And obviously losing some weight would ease some of these issues, but again, not what I need to hear at the moment. When my back hurts, or I have a cramp in my knee, or the pinched nerve in my shoulder is bothering me, just a little sympathy or even just understanding would be nice. Obviously I’m not bitching about all this shit constantly like it’s someone else’s fault, but when people say things like that, it just makes me feel like shit about myself, and makes me want to go eat something.

I’m not always an emotional eater, but sometimes I am. And I have trouble convincing myself that yes, I have binge eaten before. I don’t fit all the symptoms, but I have eaten a ridiculous amount of food in one sitting before, and then felt like a complete piece of shit for it. So yes, a large portion of being large is my fault, but there are other factors than just my laziness (which is a tangible thing; I’m the first to admit I’m a lazy P.O.S.).

Idk. I’m just trying to figure myself out here, a better portion of which I thought I’d have done already by the time I was preparing to turn 30. Which happens in exactly two months from today, on the 9th of October. Ugh. I really hope my parents don’t do anything huge and embarrassing.

I really thought I’d be more mature by now. LOL. Not going to happen.

Well, I’m going to walk around and hit up some of the nearby pokestops.


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