Freedom stuck in my head

Sounds all deep and philosophical and shit but really, I just have the song by Richie Havens stuck in my head. Oops.

Well, it looks like my previous entry was on Thursday.

After going pretty gung ho cleaning in my apartment the first three days of last week, I kind of ran out of that energy the rest of the week.

Once again the cat has scattered cat food all over the kitchen and litter all around the catbox, and I actually sprinkled a little catnip for her to roll around in, so I need to vacuum the kitchen again. Although granted it won’t be as time consuming as when I vacuumed it last week.

I also need to vacuum a little in the living room again. I don’t have a kitchen/dining room table as it were, so I eat all of my meals on the couch, in front of the tv. So there are crumbs, basically. And cat hair on the couch.

I know I need to get a vacuum of my own (as I’m borrowing my parents’ at the moment), but it’s not an immediate priority. Plus, I don’t need a fancy assed bagless upright like my parents have, just get me a little shitty dirt devil type handheld for spot cleaning and I’ll be fine. If my job situation doesn’t do well enough between now and Christmas, I’ll ask for one for Christmas.

Yesterday, I made brownies/blondies swirled together, but they’re a little too moist and they’re kind of prone to falling apart. I’ve decided that once I get my food stamp card, I’m going to get almond bark or whatever to cover them and make ‘truffles’ out of them. They taste pretty good. I just made the brownie batter too runny and then didn’t bake them for long enough. When you go, yeah, I can put two recipes each meant for 8×8 pans into a large rectangular cake pan, it will totally work… yeah. Plus the oven in my apartment is realistically probably older than I am. And the other day, I had to close the oven door three times before the right side hinge on the oven door went in the right way (which is a problem I’d never had with it before). Just to clue you in as to the quality of said baking apparatus. I also did dishes several times, finished making  yellow/green/blue layered jello, and reheated some homemade beef stew (that dad made and sent home with me a couple weeks ago) with spaghetti noodles thrown in because I wasn’t in the mood for soup but I also wasn’t in the mood to cook anything from scratch lol. And I’m trying not to buy any more food whatsoever until I get my food stamp card in the mail. Realistically I could probably make it for a couple solid weeks without buying any more food, but I would run out of fresh veg/milk/shit like that. Whatever. It’ll just give me incentive to make stuff from scratch and be a little more creative.

Already today I submitted 3 online applications, and put a load of laundry in the wash at home. I need to hang said laundry up when I get back home, and then make an early lunch/late breakfast.

When I was working the call center job, I would pretty much eat at 6:30 in the morning, then again at 10 o clock break, then again at lunch break, then again at my 2:30 break, and then again after getting home at 4:30. At the moment, though, even if I open the fridge when I first stumble in the kitchen in the morning, I find that I honestly don’t get hungry until about this time of day (it’s 10:30am here currently) and then I’m like, well hell, it’s close enough to lunch time that I may as well wait until 11 something and then just call it brunch.

Granted, I am not by any means a completely healthy eater (the other night I literally made fancy ramen with veg and a boiled egg and everything at 12 o clock in the morning), and I haven’t lost any weight at the time of my last psychologist appointment (they’re the ones that prescribe you shit right? We have to video chat at the mental health place because he lives in Georgia or whatever). But it’s really nice not to have that stressful as fuck job dictating to me when I eat anymore.

Although yesterday, I was digging my homemade cold brew coffee so much that I drank way too much of it and the afternoon was one huge uncomfortable anxiety spike for no fucking reason. I have to be careful with caffeine. I used to be the person that drank highly caffeinated soda and didn’t bat an eyelash, who could order like triple shot espressos and barely even feel it, who could drink energy drinks and all manner of caffeine and not even give a shit. Now, if I indulge in an energy drink (which is a very rare occasion now) I literally have to sip on one single energy drink ALL DAMN DAY LONG or I think I’m going to die.

I have to be equally careful with coffee now. I’m far more sensitive to caffeine than I used to be. And honestly, sometimes it’s a gamble. I recall being highly caffeinated a few months ago and churning out an entire drawing in only a couple hours, and it was that euphoric creativity that made caffeine an enjoyable experience for me in the past. Other times, though, if I have more than two cups of coffee, I feel uncomfortable for no fucking reason and have so much energy that I can’t do anything and it cycles back around to feeling like I have no energy. IDK. Anxiety is a strange beast, especially with depression riding it around like a damn cowboy on a bucking bronco.

I honestly probably won’t do much of anything else today other than finishing up the dishes, and possibly cooking some sushi rice so I can make sushi to go along with one of those la choy stir fry kits I have in my pantry. And obviously hanging up the load of towels/rags/undies in the washer.

And this is once again giving me unnecessary guilt. I spoke with my therapist about this no matter what I do it isn’t enough or doesn’t matter feeling. This, no matter what I do I should have done more, feeling. I have no idea where this even comes from. Other than feeling like I’ve constantly and consistently let everyone down my entire life. It honestly serves no purpose. And when asked about my self esteem I have no idea what to say. Because on one hand, I literally don’t give a blistered, bleeding fuck what anybody thinks, and am confident in who I am as a person, and on the other hand, I constantly crave everyone’s approval and if I don’t get any I feel a failure as a person. I honestly don’t get it. As if it fucking matters if someone else approves of what I do. It’s like I constantly need advice because I feel like I’ll just fuck it up if I do it myself. If it’s not what someone else would have done, it feels like I did it “wrong”. I still can’t seem to get away from this underlying guilt/anxiety sitting just below the surface of what appears to be a somewhat productive day. I always thought once I actually started taking incentive and being productive I would feel better because I’m actually doing something and not just sitting on my ass all day, but I honestly almost feel worse.

Because I always think I should do more, but that’s not the solution either. Unless I literally spend every moment from the time I stumble out of bed until the time I stumble back into it submitting job apps or doing a chore, I won’t feel satisfied. And I simply do not have the stamina, or the spoons, for that. And let’s say I did one or two job apps an hour all day long, I would pass out in the evening going “fuck I should have put in just one more I’m a complete failure and should feel guilty for everything and why didn’t I also do the laundry and all the dishes”.

It’s hard to remember that at the end of the day, I do have illnesses that affect my life in a tangible way. Bad enough to affect daily activity and majorly affect my quality of life but not bad enough to get me on disability. I obviously don’t wish my problems were worse so I could get disability, but my therapist agreed that I was one of those people that falls through the cracks sometimes.

And really, in the grand scheme of things I could have it much worse. I’m on HUD right now that will pay the entirety of my rent until I find a job (at which point I only have to pay a percentage of my income as rent), I’m about to get food stamps for the next three months, and I have enough in my bank account to cover my bills for several months. It’s not like I’m gonna get thrown out into the street this afternoon. It’s hard to remember that sometimes.

Anyway, I’m really lazy but I only have like 1.4km left to walk to hatch two 5km eggs on pokemon go so I should wrap this up.

Okay just one more thing. Bitch about pokemon go all you want but since I joined on the 7th of July, it’s gotten me to go on literally 100% more walks than I would normally go on. I’m literally that lazy and shallow.



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