Well, here we are.

I’m honestly out of creative titles at this point. And I don’t really use song lyrics anymore because I’m tired of being bitched at when my blog entries show up when someone searches for the lyrics of whatever song I used so here we are.

Regarding my van, dad was in town before I was even out of my pjs and I didn’t know it, so I had to quick get up, throw on some decent clothes, and walk over. Where we stood in the sun in the grocery store parking lot for ages. And went to two different car places to be told the tire was junk. It had like, 3 distinct puncture marks that almost look like somebody jabbed it with a knife, but who knows. And there’s actually a big scratch along the driver’s side that I didn’t notice before now (it’s pretty much the same color as the paint of the stupid ass’ truck who I watched back into my van so it’s possible it’s from that and I’m just now noticing it). So now I owe my dad $115, and I feel even worse and more stressed about the job situation.

I realize this situation could have been much worse, but I felt bad the entire time dad was helping me. He had to make a what, 40 minute drive here and back home, and plus had to drive me around town and paid for the tire with his credit card (he obviously expects to be paid back when I get a job, even though I offered to get the money out of my bank account today). I don’t know. It’s like,  yesterday basically majorly fucked up a decent streak I’d been having. Now I don’t know. I cried so hard yesterday I still kind of have a headache.

I don’t know. I’ve pretty much been depressed all day. Granted, I did laundry, and I made myself walk here, so this too could have been worse. I just feel like shit and still feel like it doesn’t even matter that I’m here, putting in online apps.

It takes me so much energy just to put the basic amount of effort into getting dressed in the morning, the thought of dressing nice and actually driving around to places to ask about jobs… I just simply do not have the energy for that right now. I really don’t. And if a place is corporate run, they’re only going to tell me to do the application online, 9/10 I’d bet. And it’s so hard for me to get myself to walk into little mom and pop type places that’d be more likely to have physical paper applications, and I’m pretty much convinced that the second I ask they’ll be all ‘We’re not looking’.

I don’t know. I’m trying not to drive much so I can conserve gas.

I don’t know. I know I won’t get much of anything done beyond the dishes today.

I know nobody operates at maximum power 100% of the time, but it just makes me feel shitty. I wanted this week to start out the way last week did, with me busting ass getting a big chore done in the morning, a shower, my normal walk route, etc. It took me a massive amount of energy today just to shower and get dressed, so for today I guess it’s good enough that I’m putting in a few online apps, going on my normal walk route, and going home to recuperate.

I’m just so tired of constantly feeling guilty about existing

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